This post is guaranteed to make you smile..

My lovely daughter has worked out how to use my camera and take photos.. Of herself. He he, makes me giggle. She is so precious!

And this lovely little thing here... Is four week old Tyler :). Yes, he's a month old already.. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!  :O

It's been a while..

Hello my dear blog readers. I am so sorry I have deserted you for so long, but I am sure you understand. My life is completely different now compared to what it was before I left my blog, and definitely compared to what it has ever been. It's true what they say, having two children is SO different compared to having one.

Sometimes having two children, especially both so young and close in age, can be so challenging. I will have days where I really struggle. Days where I get nothing done and both of them drive me insane. I had one night where I just burst into tears and completely broke down. Lilia woke up and wanted to cuddle me in bed, but Tyler needed a cuddle before going to sleep and they would both scream until I cuddled them. Each time Tyler went down Lilia would wake him up by crying, so he would then cry and need my attention too.. Lilia wouldn't let me cuddle them both at the same time and was getting so upset. It broke my heart seeing her so upset because of me. Eventually I managed to get both babies to sleep by having Tyler in my arms and Lilia wrapped up in my legs. I cried the entire night. I knew Lilia would feel left out but this was horrible. It was awful seeing my daughter break her heart because she wanted a cuddle with her mummy. Just a cuddle. That is something I should have been able to give her. I am crying thinking about that night now, it was the worst night I have had with them. But saying that, there are also times where I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I have to incredibly amazing children who are more beautiful than life itself. Where did I get off being so lucky? Since when do I deserve these babies? Because I certainly didn't think I did. I can be having the hardest day and just one smile will remind me why I am doing it. Just one toothy smile off my gorgeous little Princess will give me patience with her, will let me put up with her throwing her tantrums because I know she only wants more attention than what she has been getting. She is a baby too. When Tyler smiles, granted it is more than likely wind, it melts my heart. The lack of sleep doesn't matter.
Tyler is a completely different baby compared to what Lilia was. Tyler never wants to go down and it makes things so hard. But I am pushing through. When he is a bit older I will look back and realise that it was all worth it!

I don't know what is going on with James. A lot has happened since I have been M.I.A and it is just too much to explain. It's confusing to me and I have been living it, so I'm not sure if you guys would understand anything, ha ha.

The reason(s) I have been M.I.A are my children are my priority, my children are difficult to look after whilst being on a laptop, and my laptop has been broken for two weeks anyway. So that being said I will be on more often, I'm just not sure how often because obviously it depends on Tyler and Lilia.

Tyler will be four weeks old tomorrow. That's a month, weeks-wise. I actually can't believe it. I forgot how fast the newborn days fly passed you. He is no longer a tiny (not that he was ever tiny) little baby. He is such a whopper. I had the health visitor come out on Monday to do one of her vists and she weighed him.. He was 10lb 6.5oz! I couldn't believe it. What a fatty!

Sorry if this is getting boring to you..

But I have to write about my feelings with James otherwise I am just going to explode! I have no one I can really talk to honestly about this because everyone pretty much hates him for how he has treated me.
Friday was so amazing, and then Saturday everything messed up. On Tuesday, James called me a poisonous little girl and told me he hates me guts. He said he never wants to see me again and he can't stand me. This coming from someone I was with for nearly three years and have two children with really upset me. I can laugh at it, because I have realised that I am better off without him especially if that's the way he thinks he can talk to me.. But it still hurts. He was meant to have been in love with me. The fact that he can go from loving me to hating me pretty much overnight speaks volumes. Now I am left wondering if he lied to me our whole relationship and he never really loved me. Or maybe he thought he did but came to realise after we broke up that he didn't? I don't know. But whatever one it is, I doubt he ever loved me either way. It's upsetting really, because I was in love with every single piece of him, the good and the bad. I still am. I probably always will be. I mean it's hard to get over an ex anyway, but when he was the love of your life and you have two kids together it's so much harder. I can't exactly stop seeing him to help me heal.
We don't talk, text, nothing. We text about him having her for the day on Saturday and that was it. He doesn't want to know me. And to be honest if he is going to speak to me the way he did on Tuesday and think that's okay then I don't really want to know him either. That wasn't the James I fell in love with.
Some days I find myself so happy. I belt songs whilst cleaning, I giggle with my children.. I forget all the pain. But I don't forget him. While I sing I imagine I'm singing to him (it's usually break up songs). Other days I sit there bawling my eyes out for hours on end, looking at photos and being really depressed that we broke up. Either way, he is constantly on my mind. Maybe getting how I feel off my chest will take him off my mind for a bit, who knows.
I have removed him from Facebook and deleted his number from my phone. I know his number off by heart so if anything happened to the kids I could still text him. I thought erasing him like that would be the best thing. It would stop me from wanting to talk to him.. It doesn't. I basically stalk him from my friends profile now. Ugh.

So basically no matter how much I try to forget about him or not think about him.. I can't. I think about him all the time, whether it's good things or bad things it's still all the time. Even at the end of the day if I hadn't thought about him I'd sit down and think 'wow, I haven't thought about James today'.. I am a douche.