Some people need to sort their priorities out.

I really need to vent but if I put a Facebook status then I'd get shit off James' sister, and if I try to talk to James about it he'd juts argue with me and tell me I'm being a controlling bitch or something..
But OH MY GOD! I can't even describe how annoyed I am! My fingers are going too fast on this keyboard for me to even make any sense because I just have SOO much I need to get off my chest, and it's just like AAAAGHH!!

Okay, so James smokes weed. Please don't judge him because of it, where he grew up everyone did it and you know that once you get started... Well anyway, I didn't have a problem with it provided he didn't lie about doing it to me like he used to (he used to say he'd given up, but smoked it all the time behind my back). My friend who lives opposite me (I was in the hostel at the same time as her) has a boyfriend who smokes weed too. So the boys get together and have a joint every now and again and my friend and I get together with our babies and do something fun.. I didn't mind him having a spliff here and there because it meant he made a friend with someone in my street and I know it was nice for him to have one while we were having a barbecue, etc. (He did NOT smoke around the children and neither did my friends boyfriend, they went away to do it. Smoking around Lilia is something I do NOT tolerate, especially when it's weed!!!!) So anyway, I haven't minded it at all up until now. James got a new job Monday which means we barely spend any time together at all. He was meant to be staying over tonight and I was planning a nice film night with a -ahem- romantic ending, if you catch my drift. I was really looking forward to Lilia spending some time with her dad as well. But he was in a mood with me when I got in (he arrived before me - he has a key) and didn't speak to me decently for about half hour to an hour after I got in. Then by the time he was speaking to me again my father had arrived to fit a carpet in Lilia's bedroom so he went off to help him. Then by the time they were done, my friend came over. So we had spent no time together and it was already half eight. Lilia was tired so I was hoping he'd cuddle her and put her to bed and then we could spend some time together. Instead all I got was "I'm going over the road to have half a joint. Do you mind?" UMM, YES?! I said do what you want to, and he went.. I said it sarcastically, hoping he'd think "oh wait, she does care and she's right - I'd rather spend time with her and Lilia" ... But no. He's still staying over tonight but oh my God I just cannot even speak to him! I am SO annoyed!
The worst part is he keeps on asking why I'm pissed. I mean come on, ANYONE would know why I'm pissed! He basically just chose weed over his own daughter and his girlfriend.. How could he?!?!?!?!?! Now I officially hate him smoking the stuff, because I know it's more important than his family, and I really am questioning this relationship.. Again. I mean what good is he as a boyfriend or a dad if he'd rather a spliff with a mate than a cuddle with his pregnant girlfriend and daughter who he hasn't spent time alone with in DAAAYS?!

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I just breathed a sigh of relief after getting all that off my chest! Thank you readers!

Does anyone else?

Sometimes I just don't feel good enough. Tonight is one of them times. I am being put down in everything I do, including being a mother and a girlfriend, by James' sister. I've been told I'm lazy and I take the pee when I go up James' mothers.. I am sat here in tears and I just don't feel like a good enough person. I feel like I am a waste of life and someone else who is worth something should be the mother of my little angel, so that she could have someone to look up to. Not just me. I can't stop crying and James is staying over tonight but I am too darn afraid to go upstairs to him because I don't want him to see that his sister and I are arguing and that his sister has made me cry. I don't want to cause an arguement between them too:( Gaah. LKNKLSD FHIPO SDFS LKFNKLFKLVNJVNOINOLNlnlkd nlskjdngfil hHIDFNVL DSKJVNILDS B#X;J BNKJDFNBVDK FJBGKJ;ZDBGKJZ;DBSGKJ;DGKJBZDSGKJZBDSGKJLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBZDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ultrasound scans on Baby #2..

Sorry about the rubbish quality of this picture, the
scan was already very dark and unclear due to it being
an internal one, and I took this photo on my phone so that
didn't help with the quality either.

Early ultrasound;

So the first ultrasound you have in the UK is at twelve weeks, but I didn’t know when I was going to hit the twelve week mark. I didn’t even have a midwife so I texted my friend and asked how she got her early dating scan, she said to go to the doctors and tell them you don’t know how far along you are and they should book one for you. I did that, and they didn’t book one. All they did was frown. They didn’t even refer me to a midwife. I was having bad cramping pains when I decided that I should get a doctor to check them out, to make sure everything was okay. Deep down I knew everything was fine, and that it was just growing pains, but I really wanted that early scan. So I guess in a way I kinda cheated my way into having one. Anyway, my friend agreed to come with me and we went straight to A & E.. I told them that I was having severe pains and they said to take a seat. We waited about two hours before I got seen. When I got seen they questioned me about the pains and about my pregnancy.. Because I didn’t have a midwife yet, they didn’t believe I was pregnant. I was there for about an hour before they decided that in order to book me a scan, I needed to do a pregnancy test for them. I told them they could just call my doctor because they did one for me when I went there, but they said no. They told me the hospital didn’t have any pregnancy tests left, and sent me away. My friend got a little pissed, and went up to the maternity ward and asked for a pregnancy test. They had loads. So I took the test and we went back down to A & E with it. They were a bit annoyed that I'd figured out that they lied to me and so they booked me a scan and told me it'd be in two days because I assured them it wasn't an emergency. Two days later, I went to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) to have my scan. Because I was so early on it was an internal one (can I saw OUCH!). Everything was totally fine with the baby and I got told I was eight weeks and six days, making me due September 20th.

Twelve Week Ultrasound;

This was the first 'official' ultrasound I had. It's just a quick one where they measure the baby, check where everything is, and give you a due date. Everything was fine with Peanut and I got told I was fifteen weeks and three days. I had to go for my bloods afterwards so the ultrasound was really quick and I don't really have anything to write about on this one. The only thing I can really think of is I got really excited and thought  I saw boys parts during the examination, so I turned to the woman and asked if she could tell what it is yet and if I could find out.. Sadly she told me I had to wait until my twenty week ultrasound for the baby to be gendered. I had three different photos but I've only put the best one up, in all of them I thought that you could clearly see it's a boy (I'm sure you can notice too if you really look) but I found out that it was just the cord, ha ha.

Twenty Week Ultrasound;

We were there for ages with this scan. I mean I know it takes a little longer than the twelve week one because there are more things to check, but in all honesty the sonographer we had didn't seem to really know what she was doing as well as the sonographers I have had in every other scan (including Lilia's). She was explaining what she was doing when she checked the spine, kidneys, heart, brain, etc.. But she took a long time to do them. She is the only one that explained things and I did like that aspect of it, but she didn't seem that confident. Anyway, she couldn't finish her checks on Peanut's spine, kidneys, heart, or lips. So she sent me for a pee. When I came back she managed to finish checking the spine, but couldn't get anything else because Peanut was lying awkward. She sent James and I for a twenty minute walk, and when we came back she managed to get the kidneys done but couldn't get the lips or the heart done properly. We also had tokens for pictures, but she didn't give us any because the baby was in too awkward a position to give us one. We had to go back in a week to finish the checks and the woman promised us we'd get our pictures then. We asked if she could tell the gender and she had a look for us, but she struggled to tell what it was. I struggled too - at first I thought it was a girl, then I thought I saw a winky, then it disappeared and I thought it was a girl again.. She told us that there were three white lines, which typically means it's a little girl. James and I were a bit gutted, but we'd rather have a healthy girl than an unhealthy boy. Anyways, we went back eight days later and Peanut was being awkward again! I had to lie on my side for two minutes and then  the technician tried again.. Still no luck, so I had to lie on my side for TEN minutes and then Peanut moved. The technician was able to check everything with Peanut's heart, but he was still being awkward with his lips - he kept putting his hand in the way or moving his head. The woman was SOOO nice and definitely the friendliest sonographer I'd had in both my pregnancies.. She kept saying how cute the baby was and she seemed really into the scan. She asked about us and if we had any other kids, when I mentioned Lilia she spoke about her and really interacted with us :). Anyways, she said we'd give him a break and asked us if there's anything we'd like to do - like have a view of the baby's bits.. So we asked if she could confirm the baby's gender for us. We told her we'd been told it was a girl, but the woman wasn't sure, so we'd like her to check for us. She agreed to it, and we saw a flash of two balls and a willy! She said "Actually.. I think it's a boy!" And checked again. Then, another sonographer walked in with some paperwork ready for the next woman who was going to be scanned. She closed the curtain so she couldn't see us and apologised. The sonographer asked if we minded her looking and we said no. So she called the other woman to come and have a look to see what she thought the baby was. She whispered to the other woman what she thought it was. Our sonographer told us that it is definitely a boy, and we had another look at the bits! It is DEFINITELY a boy, ha ha. After that, our sonographer tried to get the lips in view but Peanut was STILL being awkward. So the other sonographer tried and she managed to get them eventually. All is fine with Peanut, and they didn't say anything about a due date so I'm guessing it's still the same.

Conjunctivitis and annoying, know-it-all, doctors... -Eye roll-

So let’s start from the beginning.. Lilia started getting bits of green gunk in the corner of one eye about a couple of months ago. I’d wipe it and like an hour later the gunk would be back. As a child, and embarrassingly enough a teen as well, I was prone to conjunctivitis. I had it whenever I was run down or ill or stressed, etc, only recently have I not got it during stressful times, illnesses, etc. Anyway, I automatically thought it was conjunctivitis and started to bathe her eye in cooled boiled salt water. Then my friend pointed out that it looked like Lilia had thrush in her mouth. I am still to this day very grateful that she did point it out; I have never seen thrush before so I would never have known any different – I just thought it was dead skin on her lips. So I booked her a doctor’s appointment to get some medicine for her so it could clear up. I figured while at the appointment I could point out her eye to the doctor she was seeing. All the doctor said was “oh, it’s sleep. Wipe her eyes when she wakes up in the morning.” So I explained that it came back all through the day, not just in the mornings. She was persistent that it was just sleep and said to bathe the eye if it keeps on coming back.. It kept coming back so I kept bathing it. The doctor’s told me again and again just to bathe it and I was worrying over nothing.. But come on. A mother knows her baby, right? And I knew something else was up with her gunky eye. Well, it started getting more gunky, so I bathed it again and all of a sudden her eye got all red and bloodshot. It started to swell, too. The next morning she woke up and her eye was completely stuck together, bless her. Conjunctivitis. I booked her a doctors appointment for that day and waited to take her to it. I didn’t wash or wipe her eye at all, so that they could see just how bad it was. It just so happened to be the same doctor who I saw about her thrush, and who said her gunky eye was nothing. She rolled her eyes when I said I thought Lilia had conjunctivitis and checked her eye. She was quiet for a while, before saying “yeah she has a spot of conjunctivitis”.  I knew it. I couldn’t help but have a little smirk on my face when the doctor frowned, knowing she’d been proven wrong. She got prescribed some eye drops and within a couple of days her eye was better. Her other eye started to gunk up so I used the drops on it once or twice to prevent it from getting any worse. Her eye is starting to get gunky again (the same eye she had conjunctivitis in) and I’m worried she’ll get the infection again. I still have her previous eye drops but I don’t know if it’s safe to use them and don’t really want to risk it. Once I’m sure it’s conjunctivitis I’m not going to bother bathing her eye, I’m going to let the infection come up quicker so that I can take her back to the doctors and hopefully get a fresh batch of drops. I’m not sure if it is conjunctivitis this  time around though, I have a feeling I may be overreacting, ha ha.

Dehydration.. Again.

I feel so dehydrated all the time lately. I don’t know if it’s just a common pregnancy symptom when you’re passed the first trimester or what, but I felt like it on Lilia too. Well, I was actually severely dehydrated in the beginning with Lilia, but after that I still always felt thirsty. I do now too, but nothing seems to quench my thirst. I’ve tried juices, squashes, water, everything..  Nothing keeps me feeling okay for long, it’s like I have this constant headache – not a bad one, just a little annoying one – and nothing will make it go. I’m not going to take painkillers because obviously you’re not supposed to during pregnancy anyway, but I know why this pain is here and I just haven’t found something to make me any less thirsty for a long period of time yet. Ugh, it’s so frustrating. I’ve spent so much money on drinks from the shop to try and keep myself hydrated if I’m out, or if I’m in the house and don’t have anything (I only drink water if I really need to, it’s disgusting). I try to drink a lot of squash but I just find it makes me feel a bit queezy and it doesn’t actually help at all. Ribena helps the most so far, and it only helps for a little while, so I’m stuck. Any of you got any ideas on what I could drink? It would be appreciated! Water doesn't work that well before you suggest it, plus I hate the taste, lol. Thank you (: .

Mother of two;

So last night I was sitting there watching my little angel sleep when Peanut kicked. It dawned on me that soon I was going to be a mother of two. Two babies to take care of, love, play with, etc.. Two. I don’t know how different being a mother of two will be to being a mother of one but I can imagine it’s going to be completely different. It’s going to be so busy, so much more hard work. I’ve already been warned that I’ll have little time for myself in the beginning, but I’m sure I’ll manage. I mean I’ll have two beautiful little miracles and that would make up for any of the sleepless nights and struggles.
There are certain things I have done, or didn’t do, with Lilia that I want to change with Peanut. Like, Lilia wouldn’t take to my breast so I was unable to breastfeed her, I want to be able to breastfeed Peanut. Maybe not exclusively, I think I’ll want to pump as well so that James can do some of the night feeds, but I do want to give Peanut the best. I really regretted not being able to do so with Lilia, and I still do sometimes. I want to spend more time with my babies and do more with them, I mean I’ve played with Lilia but I’m yet to take her swimming. I want to do more activities, even if it’s just walking with them, it’ll make me feel better and I’m sure Lilia will enjoy it too. I don’t want her to be forgotten. A big issue for me is jarred food. They’re so useful when you’re going out or in need of a quick meal for your baby, but Lilia clearly enjoys fresh food more and I’m sure this baby will too. I don’t think I’ll stop using jars completely, but when Peanut is on solids I want to cook my own vegetables and stuff like I started doing for Lilia. Luckily with Peanut I will already be in my own house, with Lilia she ended up staying on jars because of being in a hostel, etc.
I don’t know what it’s going to be like, obviously, but I’m going to make the best of it and I’m really going to try my hardest to be a brilliant mother of two :}

He loves me, he loves me not... He loves me?

Since James and I broke up I’ve never really been looking for another partner. I’ve been concentrating on my gorgeous little girl; I didn’t really need anyone else.  Not to sound big headed but I had a few offers, a few guys hit on me and tried it on with me.. But I wasn’t interested. Then James and I decided that we should spend more time together for the sake of our daughter, and the inevitable happened.. We didn’t really get into an emotional relationship, but we found ourselves in a sexual one. We didn’t really think of the consequences, and to be honest I guess I was being selfish. I didn’t think I felt anything for James, in a kinda twisted way I thought I was using him for my own greedy gain.. But then I got pregnant. Again. I told James and he stopped most contact with me. It was then that I realised my true feelings for him. I wasn’t using him at all, he was using me. I still loved him. F*ck. I spent weeks crying to myself at night, holding Lilia and just wanting to protect her from ever having to feel this kind of hurt. I went to my first ultrasound alone, and he didn’t seem to care about it. He didn’t ask how the baby was doing or when I was due; nothing.  It upset me so much that he didn’t seem to care, but when he came to pick Lilia up one weekend after the scan, he seemed different. The conversation between us was awkward; James talked to me in short sentences or one word answers. I didn’t understand why because in my opinion we had so much to say. He took Lilia and left without saying bye to me or letting me kiss Lilia goodbye for the weekend. I text him with a sarcastic thanks for letting me say bye to my daughter, and he replied with “we need to talk, Bella.” I got so nervous at that text; I didn’t know what to say so I just replied with “I know.” After that, nothing more was said. We never talked and didn’t even bring up that we texted that we should in the first place. I don’t know why James didn’t, but I didn’t simply because of nerves.

When I got my appointment for my second scan/first official scan, my twelve week one, I didn’t bother telling James. I figured that he didn’t care about this baby at the moment, and he was still in shock. I thought there was no point in telling him just to get an “ok, cool” out of it, and him not even come. But he saw the pink letter on my refrigerator and told me he was coming. Soon after he left, I invited my friend over and she told me I think too much into things. I made such a big deal that he TOLD me he was coming rather than asking, I was stressing about what that meant, if it would change everything.. I was being totally ridiculous. But I was right.
At my scan, James seemed so interested at the baby. He was explaining how different the baby looks compared to Lilia did at my first scan, and how it’s insane how just three weeks can make such a huge difference. I couldn’t help but smile. I finally knew he cared about this baby. When we got back to my mother’s house, he asked if he could stay a while and if we could take Lilia up the park because the weather was hot. I said yes, and all the way there (it’s only about five minutes away from my mother’s house) he kept telling Lilia how she was going to be a big sister, and how beautiful this baby is going to be, just like her. I just smiled and walked in silence. When we got there he pushed Lilia on the swing and finally decided to talk, which is something we should have done a long time ago. He told me that he’s sorry everything has been so awkward, it’s just he was in shock that I got pregnant again. I told him I understood and kinda thought as much. He told me he needed me to be quiet and just listen to everything he had to say before interrupting or jumping to conclusions. I agreed, a bit confused as to why he would say such a thing.. But then I got why. He told me how he was using me for sex because he couldn’t look at another girl since me. He said he wasn’t able to have sex with any of the girls that tried it on with him. I shivered at the thought of what girls he meant. James is a very good looking guy, and practically anyone would throw themselves at him. Some girls I know tried hitting on him when we broke up… Were meant to be my friends. Yeah, some friends, huh. Anyway, I opened my mouth but James shouted “DON’T!” before I could talk. I shut my mouth and then James told me how he didn’t want a relationship with me and he needed to feed his sex drive, so he turned to someone he knew he could have sex with without any feelings.. Me.  I could feel my eyes starting to tear up, and he told me he only thought of me because he’s already been through having feelings for me and he thought since we had already broken up there was nothing else left. I shook my head to say I understood, but I was so upset I only said it so I could leave. When I got Lilia and started heading back to my mother’s, James chased me and stopped me. He grabbed my hand and told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore.. Then he kissed me. I couldn’t help but melt. I still loved him, but he just said he didn’t love me. I couldn’t say anything after the kiss, I just looked away. He said “I know I love you”.  I closed my eyes, was it just a dream? I was so confused.. And speechless.  He told me he wanted to give us another go, and that he wanted to be a family with our two precious babies. I agreed, but said we needed to take things slow. We’ve agreed to give our relationship another try, but to take our time in everything and start from the very beginning. We’re dating at the moment, we haven’t spent a night together and we haven’t done anything but kiss or cuddle or watch stupid movies together. It’s going great, and I’m so happy. It was just a little confusing at the beginning. But now I know where we both stand, I’m so glad.

Brief blog..

Something happened Tuesday morning and I wanted to share it all with you, but only one person commented on my other blog so I figured there's no point in making such a detailed blog about it.
I had my twenty week scan (I did have it last Monday but baby was being awkward, so we had to go back this Tuesday) and I found that Peanut is a little BOY! Yay!

I'm back!

I am so sorry that I haven't been posting lately, but being a mummy is a very busy job! Plus, I didn't have the internet in my house. But now I do so I'm hoping to update everyone on everything as soon as I possibly can. Also I want to post about my ultrasounds. All of them. It's going to be a lot to write so please bare with me as the post may not be up for a while yet, but I have another ultrasound tomorrow so once I've been to this ultrasound then I can start writing.
I don't notice much activity on the homepage any more, by the way. Hardly anyone seems to be blogging lately. So just a quick favour I'd like you all to do me.. And that's to comment this post if you still read my blog and my updates. I don't want to waste my time posting in this blog if no one reads it any more, so I'd like an honest answer. Please keep in mind that I am already very busy with my daughter, my house, and my little Peanut on the way.. It takes time to write my blogs and post the pictures and edit them so I can actually post them, etc, and this is time that I could spend doing other things if what I write isn't even being read. So please be honest, don't just say you read my posts because you read them every now and again..
Updates soon, but I am considering not posting in my blog often anymore, it depends on the response. I won't delete my blog but I will only post when something major happens - ie gender reveal, birth, etc..