Dear Tyler;

Well, my Handsome Man, this will be the first year we will enter together. You have been such a blessing to me, I am one very lucky mummy to have you as my son. I know at first I was unsure of the whole situation, but now I couldn't be more grateful for your existence. Fate doesn't throw you things you can't handle, so I knew you were here as a blessing rather than a curse, and I was so right. You are an amazing little boy, you are always smiling and laughing, always pleasant. You can see how much love you have for your family, especially your sister, and even strangers, just by the look in your eyes. I can tell you are going to be an amazing man/son. A lot of 2012 has been about you; we found out we were expecting you, we found out you were a boy, you arrived, you had your first Christmas, and now you will be celebrating your first New Year. It's mad how much can happen in a year, and even nuttier to think that at the beginning of this year you were nothing but a bunch of cells slowly forming and growing, and now look at you. You are an actual person with his own cheeky personality. I am in awe of you. You, along with your sister, are the light of my life. You are the reason for me to make 2013 the best year yet. I am going to try my damn hardest, and I am going to do it for you. You deserve the best. you deserve my all, and that is what I am going to give. 2013 will bring your first birthday, and I am looking forward to it. It will be the first year we will have spent together right from January to December. You have only been here for 3.5 months, and they have been a hard 3.5 months, but definitely rewarding. It has all been worth it. In just fifteen weeks my family has been completed, my life has changed even more than it had before, and I have realised a hell of a lot. All thanks to you. I am writing this blog as I watch you and your sister in the living room. Your sister is playing happily in front of you and you are sitting in your bouncer gurgling and smiling at her. Love oozes from you, baby boy. Already I am proud. As I said to Lilia, when you become a teen you will probably find me embarrassing and irritating, wanting little to do with me, but that's okay. I get it. A few years of distance is totally worth it, you will always be a mummy's boy at heart. You have such a pure soul, with so much love to give, and I am proud to call you my own. So Happy New Year gorgeous, let's make this one ours.

I love you. Forever and always,

Your Mummy xxx

Dear Lilia;

Happy New Year my beautiful little girl. This has been the first year we have spent together all the way through, and it will be our second New Year to celebrate together. I am writing this as a thank you, for being in my life. I don't know where I would be without you. Thank you for being such an amazing daughter, a good girl, and an even better big sister. You are honestly one of the greatest human beings on this earth, and you are all mine. I am looking forward to 2013, where we can all be together as a complete family, and I am also looking forward to all the other new years to come. Even though you will be in bed by the time we enter the next year, I am glad for you to be here with me to go into it. When you are older I understand that you will be living your own life, that you will want to go out and celebrate it with friends or boyfriends rather than with your mother, so I will make the most of now. When you hit the stage of not wanting much to do with me I will take it on the chin, because I know that eventually the day will come when you will want to spend time with me again. When you will fully appreciate me for being your mother, when you will realise all that I have done for you. I know that you won't until you become a mother yourself, so until then I will just wait patiently. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to have you in my life. I started writing this letter with full intention to tell you how wonderful you are and how much I love you, but I simply cannot put it into words. I will tell you every day, remind you every night, and you will always know that even if the whole world walks out on you.. Your mummy will always be right here. I grew you in my tummy from a microscopic egg into an actual person. A teeny 7lb 11.5oz baby. I am so damn proud that I did that. 2013 is going to be such an amazing year for us beautiful, I promise you that not only as your mother but as your best friend too. I am going to do my very best to make sure that the year that begins tomorrow will be a year that you deserve, and you deserve the best. Sure, there are going to be some tough times in the year to come, but just one look at your gorgeous, smiley, face and I know that it'll all be worth it. The biggest ups I will have in 2013 will come from you and your brother. One of the biggest events in 2012 we shared was your first ever birthday. I wish I could have made it more special for you but nevermind, there is always your second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on.. 2012 also brought you your first easter. Not only that, but it was the year you became a big sister. And a brilliant one you are. I am so excited to see the new year in with you (in bed, but still, ha ha) and to make it our best year yet. Good things are gonna happen baby, I promise!

I love you. Forever and always,

Your Mummy xxx

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all my wonderful readers :) Hope your holidays have been/will continue to be as good as mine have been :)

This blog..

Was meant to be me recording everything precious that goes on in my babies' lives. Unfortunately I rarely have time to update it now, and I actually cannot be bothered with wasting an hour sitting here typing something out for no one to read. What a fail this project was. Wish I could have kept to it as I love looking back on previous posts and reliving when Lilia was younger. But oh well. I will still post occasionally..

This post is guaranteed to make you smile..

My lovely daughter has worked out how to use my camera and take photos.. Of herself. He he, makes me giggle. She is so precious!

And this lovely little thing here... Is four week old Tyler :). Yes, he's a month old already.. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!  :O

It's been a while..

Hello my dear blog readers. I am so sorry I have deserted you for so long, but I am sure you understand. My life is completely different now compared to what it was before I left my blog, and definitely compared to what it has ever been. It's true what they say, having two children is SO different compared to having one.

Sometimes having two children, especially both so young and close in age, can be so challenging. I will have days where I really struggle. Days where I get nothing done and both of them drive me insane. I had one night where I just burst into tears and completely broke down. Lilia woke up and wanted to cuddle me in bed, but Tyler needed a cuddle before going to sleep and they would both scream until I cuddled them. Each time Tyler went down Lilia would wake him up by crying, so he would then cry and need my attention too.. Lilia wouldn't let me cuddle them both at the same time and was getting so upset. It broke my heart seeing her so upset because of me. Eventually I managed to get both babies to sleep by having Tyler in my arms and Lilia wrapped up in my legs. I cried the entire night. I knew Lilia would feel left out but this was horrible. It was awful seeing my daughter break her heart because she wanted a cuddle with her mummy. Just a cuddle. That is something I should have been able to give her. I am crying thinking about that night now, it was the worst night I have had with them. But saying that, there are also times where I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I have to incredibly amazing children who are more beautiful than life itself. Where did I get off being so lucky? Since when do I deserve these babies? Because I certainly didn't think I did. I can be having the hardest day and just one smile will remind me why I am doing it. Just one toothy smile off my gorgeous little Princess will give me patience with her, will let me put up with her throwing her tantrums because I know she only wants more attention than what she has been getting. She is a baby too. When Tyler smiles, granted it is more than likely wind, it melts my heart. The lack of sleep doesn't matter.
Tyler is a completely different baby compared to what Lilia was. Tyler never wants to go down and it makes things so hard. But I am pushing through. When he is a bit older I will look back and realise that it was all worth it!

I don't know what is going on with James. A lot has happened since I have been M.I.A and it is just too much to explain. It's confusing to me and I have been living it, so I'm not sure if you guys would understand anything, ha ha.

The reason(s) I have been M.I.A are my children are my priority, my children are difficult to look after whilst being on a laptop, and my laptop has been broken for two weeks anyway. So that being said I will be on more often, I'm just not sure how often because obviously it depends on Tyler and Lilia.

Tyler will be four weeks old tomorrow. That's a month, weeks-wise. I actually can't believe it. I forgot how fast the newborn days fly passed you. He is no longer a tiny (not that he was ever tiny) little baby. He is such a whopper. I had the health visitor come out on Monday to do one of her vists and she weighed him.. He was 10lb 6.5oz! I couldn't believe it. What a fatty!

Sorry if this is getting boring to you..

But I have to write about my feelings with James otherwise I am just going to explode! I have no one I can really talk to honestly about this because everyone pretty much hates him for how he has treated me.
Friday was so amazing, and then Saturday everything messed up. On Tuesday, James called me a poisonous little girl and told me he hates me guts. He said he never wants to see me again and he can't stand me. This coming from someone I was with for nearly three years and have two children with really upset me. I can laugh at it, because I have realised that I am better off without him especially if that's the way he thinks he can talk to me.. But it still hurts. He was meant to have been in love with me. The fact that he can go from loving me to hating me pretty much overnight speaks volumes. Now I am left wondering if he lied to me our whole relationship and he never really loved me. Or maybe he thought he did but came to realise after we broke up that he didn't? I don't know. But whatever one it is, I doubt he ever loved me either way. It's upsetting really, because I was in love with every single piece of him, the good and the bad. I still am. I probably always will be. I mean it's hard to get over an ex anyway, but when he was the love of your life and you have two kids together it's so much harder. I can't exactly stop seeing him to help me heal.
We don't talk, text, nothing. We text about him having her for the day on Saturday and that was it. He doesn't want to know me. And to be honest if he is going to speak to me the way he did on Tuesday and think that's okay then I don't really want to know him either. That wasn't the James I fell in love with.
Some days I find myself so happy. I belt songs whilst cleaning, I giggle with my children.. I forget all the pain. But I don't forget him. While I sing I imagine I'm singing to him (it's usually break up songs). Other days I sit there bawling my eyes out for hours on end, looking at photos and being really depressed that we broke up. Either way, he is constantly on my mind. Maybe getting how I feel off my chest will take him off my mind for a bit, who knows.
I have removed him from Facebook and deleted his number from my phone. I know his number off by heart so if anything happened to the kids I could still text him. I thought erasing him like that would be the best thing. It would stop me from wanting to talk to him.. It doesn't. I basically stalk him from my friends profile now. Ugh.

So basically no matter how much I try to forget about him or not think about him.. I can't. I think about him all the time, whether it's good things or bad things it's still all the time. Even at the end of the day if I hadn't thought about him I'd sit down and think 'wow, I haven't thought about James today'.. I am a douche.

Why am I such a f#ck up?!

My life is such a mess. He can't stand to be around me and I can't stand myself either. Funny how things change in the space of an hour. I've ruined everything, and there's no going back now. Nothing I can say or do will change anything this time. I've made my bed, now I must lie in it. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and move on. Concentrate on my babies, not the hurt in my heart. I wish the pain was as easy to wipe away as the tears are. What is love? And why does it hurt so freaking bad?! Why can't love be accepted as imperfect and forgiven when the imperfections take over? Why can't people concentrate on the good times and not the bad? Why did I have to be so stupid and ruin everything, just as they were starting to look up? I really do hate the way I am sometimes. I never think. Ever.

My babies are perfect.

Enough said.

Updates!

I know I only posted earlier but I am just doing a quick post before bed as Tyler had his three day check today and Lilia has made progress too!
So a midwife came for Tyler's three day check and was very pleased with him. He is a proper boy and fancies himself a bit of a strong one.. He holds his head up for ages. He is slightly jaundice but that is normal. He got weighed and he is 8lb 8oz, had a total of 4% weight loss, which is perfectly normal. As for my post-partum check, she is pleased with everything apart from one thing.. I am trying to breast feed again but Tyler is not bothered at all. He will latch, he just doesn't seem bothered and keeps latching and unlatching. My nipples got so sore I had to stop to give them time to heal and had to switch to formula. Last, one nipple was healed enough for me to cope with pumping for a short while, but the other was way too sore still. Explained to midwife today and she asked to have a look.. The boob which the nipple is healing well on has mastitus. She told me to go to the GP tomorrow and get antibiotics and in the mean time to try and feed Tyler off of it to keep my supply going and to help heal the infection. Since then though, the other boob has gone quite red too. Tyler won't feed off my boob, he really doesn't seem interested, but he wouldn't be able to feed off the sore one anyway so I think that has got mastitus too, though I won't be able to know for sure until tomorrow when I visit the GP. Sucks.

And Lilia's exciting update.. SHE TOOK HER FIRST FEW STEPS TODAY! She has taken one and then fallen to her knee twice before, then she took three earlier this morning.. Then she took five! I cried. Later on this evening then she took seven! I'm such a proud mummy. My kids are so amazing.

Labour and Delivery:-

On Thursday, 20th September at around 1am I had a shower and went to bed as normal (just a bit later). Tyler was being very wriggly and I was in a bit of pain from him but thought nothing of it as I was usually in pain when he moved around anyway.. At 1:30am I had this intense feeling in my stomach from what I thought was him pressing down on my bladder.. It was when it happened again and rendered my breathless that I realised it was more than that. At 2am I phoned my mother to come and pick up Lilia and to bring me some Paracetamol for the pain. She got Lilia at half 2 and left me to drop Lilia off with my nan (she was going to come back to take me into hospital after I'd had a bath). I phoned James at around the same time telling him I was in labour and asking him to come down, I told him that judging by the pain (which was completely different to when I had Lilia!) I wasn't going to be in labour for very long and would probably already be in hospital by the time he got to my house, but asked him to phone me when he was close to be sure.. Oh, how right I was!
I ran myself a bath and kept the shower head going on my bump to try and calm the pain, but it didn't work. The pain was so bad that I couldn't move when I had a contraction, and I was VERY vocal. I started having a feeling that I remember having from Lilia - the baby coming down the birth canal. I knew it wouldn't be long and Tyler would be crowning. I ended up in tears because I thought I was going to end up giving birth to Tyler alone and in my bath tub. I was crying out for my mother.
My mum arrived at about 2:50 and James arrived around 3am. My mother phoned the hospital to tell them that we were going to be going in shortly and to expect us, but I told her we weren't going to make it. Tyler was coming soon. So they said they'd send an ambulance out to us and also a midwife. Well, neither arrived in time for Tyler's head to come out. I remember telling my mother that Tyler was coming and she kept telling me no he's not.. She then looked in between my legs and went "oh shit".  I said "It's him isn't it, he's coming". My mother had to deliver the head, and his cord was wrapped around his neck and his face was blue. My mother unwrapped the cord and we waited for another contraction.. The paramedics arrived before Tyler's body was delivered, but they didn't really help to be honest. My mother said "do you want to take over because I have no idea what I'm doing" .. and they just stood back and watched as his body started to come out. So my mother had to lean over the bath tub and deliver the rest of him. The midwife came just minutes after he was born. They got me out of the bath and onto the bed for the rest of it (placenta delivery, etc).
So all in all, my labour was 1 hour and 45minutes and Tyler was born at home, delivered by his Grandmother. We were all very shocked and at one point I thought James was going to faint! I had no pain relief (not by choice, I kept saying I needed gas and air but of course no one was there to give it!) up until it came to delivering the placenta. I had a second degree tear and needed stitches both internally and externally, had my gas and air for that. James and my mother both said I was calmer giving birth with no pain relief than I was having stitches with it!
I can laugh about Tyler's delivery now, and James calls him 'bath boy', but at the time it was such a shock and took us all a while to recover.. My mother still cries when asked about it, she was so scared. We all were, but she had to pretend she wasn't for my sake.

Introducing baby Tyler!

Baby Tyler.

Born on Thursday, 20th September.

At 3:15am.

Weighing 8lb 13oz!

My fingers are wriggling over the keyboard :/

So tonight I am in the mood to write.. But I don't know what about. I have so much going on in my personal life right now, and my fingers are itching to start typing about it, but it isn't something I want to put for the public eye. I need to get it out so I am tempted to write a post anyway and save it as a draft, but I wanted to actually publish something to my blog because it's gone so boring lately..
So I am sat here with my fingers hovering over the keyboard of my laptop as I watch Holby City, waiting for some inspiration.. I have nothing. I have got one hell of a sweet tooth tonight, so I ordered two slices of cheese cake, a tub of ice cream, and a bottle of Tango from Pizza Hut for delivery (the Tango to make up the amount needed for delivery). I wanted to go to the shop and get a massive bar of chocolate, but Lilia's in bed so I couldn't leave the house.. And I was NOT ignoring the call of my craving! Ha ha ha.
So I'm currently tucking into my first slice of cheesecake, hoping that I will find something to write about.. But I don't think I will. So I'm going to give up and go and enjoy my desserts instead. Ha ha.

Just letting you all know that I am still here, still very much pregnant. Four days over, and it is looking very likely that I will still be pregnant Friday. So that means I will be having a sweep.. Unless anything happens before then, or I find something interesting to write about, my next post will probably be telling you all about my sweep. :)

Hi!

Just letting you all know that I am still here.. With no baby. Three days overdue so far, and it's looking more and more likely that I am going to have a sweep. Fingers crossed I go before Friday!
Anyways I'm just letting you know that nothing exciting has happened yet in case you all got thinking it had, I'm just being really quiet on Blogger lately. Haven't got anything to write about to be honest!

40 weeks - I have hit my due date!

So today is my due date. I have reached it - something I didn't do with Lilia. It has brought me a mixture of feelings to be honest.. I am happy that I hit my due date as I hadn't done that before. We all thought that this little man was going to be early, but I had so much to do it has been kind of a relief that he didn't want to come yet. I am nervous, I don't want to go too far over my due date as I am not really wanting to have a sweep and I definitely do NOT want to be induced - I have heard some good stories of sweeps but whenever someone has been induced all I have heard is horror stories, apparently labour is worse when induced.. I am excited as I know the time is coming where I get to finally meet my beautiful baby. I think that it'll be twice as sweet meeting him now since he is making us wait a little longer than expected. I am also wondering if people were wrong about my due date. As I said when I first explained that I was pregnant - the first time we had unprotected sex led to the due date of the 28th. I was so confused when they gave me a due date earlier than that, and then even earlier again. Maybe they were just a little off and I was closer to my due date than them.. Who knows. I have been counting down the last weeks of my pregnancy, as I have been getting further along I have been getting more and more annoyed that he is not here yet. But I guess I should be grateful. I had all the time I needed to prepare for his arrival, plenty of time to appreciate Lilia as an only child, and enough time to prepare myself for this massive change that is happening.

As I have hit my due date I have started getting a little nervous. With every twinge I used to get excited and think "is this it?!" But it never was. So I decided I wouldn't get too excited anymore, and I would know when it was show time so there is no need for me to get excited over little tummy rumblings or even gas - which I have done so many times with this pregnancy, ha ha! I thought this would be hard for me, but it has actually been pretty easy.. Because instead I am getting nervous. I am wondering how I am going to cope, wondering how different this labour is going to be to Lilia's because I was SO lucky with Lilia's. I need to calm myself down because I know that when it comes down to it, staying calm is the best possible thing to do. I am dying to see my little man, don't get me wrong.. But every time I think something might happen (I am struggling to stop myself from thinking it with every little stir my body does!) I start getting nervous and thinking 'what do I do now!?' It's really frustrating, ha ha. I am training myself to ignore my head and listen to my body though - it is working so far! I haven't thought I was going into labour once today, yay! Ha ha ha.

Anyways; my symptoms are pretty much the same as always. My heartburn kind of went - or rather I didn't notice it - for a while but now it is back with full force. A few nights ago it was waking me up every hour or so because it was so bad. And I am supposed to be trying to avoid milk as much as possible as it prevents absorption. It is really hard to do so with heart burn from hell! New symptoms of this week though, I have been having period pains. I thought it was a sign that I was going to go into labour soon but nothing came of it. Shame. My stomach moves in and out so much more than it has before - sometimes he will sink right in and make my belly look soo small. The other day he actually sank in soo much my belly was completely soft and it felt like I had just had him and it was just baby weight! When I sit down sometimes my bump almost completely disappears. Since yesterday my legs have been aching so much. Especially down the insides of them. Now, me being me, I took this as a sign too. My lady area is feeling heavier so I put two and two together and got six. I thought I was going to go into labour either yesterday or today. I didn't. My legs still ache a little but it was probably from all the walking I done yesterday. My lady bits feeling heavy though.. I think this is just because he is engaged? That is what I was told to look out for before he was engaged anyway. Though I have had a horrible feeling up until last night that he had disengaged! I am feeling okay about it now though, I think he is okay - why else would I feel all heavy and the pressure on my bits, right?! :D

One day until my due date...

And this countdown is getting boring now. It doesn't look like Tyler is going to be here any time soon, he is quite comfy where he is. I have a 40 week update to do tomorrow and then that's my countdown finished! I was originally going to post every day I was overdue too, but there is no point. They are boring posts and I'm pretty sure you can all count for yourselves! So after tomorrow I will probably update you next when I am in labour or when I am going to have a sweep (booked for 21st) :D!

Anyways, this is not baby related but in regards to my soppy post last night.. I took Lilia out all day and really wanted to spoil her. We had a lovely day out, but when it came down to the shopping part of spoiling her there were no decent toys that were reasonably priced for her. There were loads of lovely dollies there and one that came with a bath which I really wanted to get her, but she has a doll as her present off Tyler so I didn't want her to be getting the same thing all the time. She came out with two rubbish toys that barely came to a fiver together. She likes them, and they didn't cost much, so I can't complain really.. I just wanted something nicer for her. I looked at some clothes too, and there were some lovely ones, but I decided that Lilia wouldn't really appreciate clothes and Christmas is coming up anyway so I can just buy them for her then. I saw quite a few Christmas ideas actually, I was going to start building up her presents now as most people I know have already started, but I decided not to because honestly I have nowhere to keep them and I want to keep as much money as possible in case I need anything when Tyler is here, etc. I am also still paying off the new sofas that I had about a month ago. Actually only today did I make the first payment.. Luckily it's only to family!
Lilia is having a nap right now, and when she wakes up I am taking her up my mothers to be showered with even more attention, as usual, ha ha. There is a lovely little park behind my mums which I am sure Lilia will be excited to go to! Plus that means I don't get to cook tea then :P Ha ha!

Rockstar Ronan.

Did any of you hear about Taylor Swift writing and performing a song for a little boy who died of cancer, aged just four years old? If you haven't, listen to the song. It is beautiful. I only heard about it today because I randomly came across an article on Daily Mail saying how she had recovered from her tearful performance.. So I read it and then heard about the blog that this little Angel's mother had wrote (and is still writing) while facing this struggle. I typed the name of the blog into Google and found it straight away. I read so many posts, and when it came to the post she had written telling everyone that Ronan had passed away.. I just lost it. I was already pretty emotional reading about him being diagnosed; I got pretty bad reading about his treatment, couldn't stop crying silently to myself when I read about him getting worse.. But then I read about him passing away. Oh my God, I just burst. I have been sat on my bed blubbing to myself like an idiot for an hour. How cruel life can be!
It has really made me think about life, and how much I have been taking for granted. It made me think about all the minutes I spend apart from Lilia, all the times I have let her play by herself at the other end of the room while I did my own thing.. I can't believe I ever took those moments for granted. After reading Maya's blog I got up and went into Lilia's bedroom. I tucked her in and kissed my hand and placed it on her beautiful cheek (I can't reach her in her cot because my belly is in the way and her cot is on lowest setting, lol). She woke up for a minute and I put her mobile on and gently stroked her hair until she fell back asleep. There I found myself crying again. I didn't want to leave her side. I wanted to sit next to her cot and watch her all night, or better yet I wanted to grab her out of her cot and cuddle her in my bed. Even writing this my eyes are filling with tears and my arms are longing to hold Lilia.
You never know what's around the corner, so you should make the most of everything. Even the little moments. IE; while bathing your child, take a moment to memorise every inch of their body. Every freckle, every mark, every dimple.. While your child pushes you away because they don't want cuddles or kisses, smile at them and sweetly tell them you love them as you watch them be independent. Join in when your child is playing with their toys. Read a story to your child, and then another.. Cuddle and kiss your child whenever they let you, remind them that they are your reason for living. Never let them forget. Simple moments like meal times, talk to them, make stupid noises as you feed them.. Make the most of everything. Because you really do never know what might happen. Maya had her entire world taken away from her, and I can't even begin to imagine what that is like. I would die if I lost Lilia or Tyler. She is so incredibly strong, and I really admire her. I don't know if I'd ever be able to do it.
So now here I am, 12:15am, sitting on my bed wide awake thinking of all the times I have taken my precious daughter for granted. Thinking of all the things I should do with her, if there was ever enough time in the world. I can't give her a lot of material things because I am not the wealthiest of people. But I can definitely give her something priceless. I can give her my heart. It was already my goal to shower my Princess with love each and every day, but now hearing about Ronan has encouraged me to do more with her than I have before. I want to shower her with hugs and kisses and attention. I know it will be hard when Tyler is here, but I will get by. I won't let her forget how beautiful she is. Ever.
I can't sleep now. I have found myself wide awake and my mind is working over time. I am desperate to go and sit in Lilia's room and watch her sleep. But I know if I do I'll either end up disturbing her or staying awake all night and being like a zombie in the morning or falling asleep on the floor and having an achey everything and then struggling for the rest of the day. I just want to make every moment count. I guess the healthy way to do that is not staying up all night watching Lilia, or possibly disturbing her, it is to get a good nights rest ready for the morning.. To go into her room with a big smile when she wakes up and give her kisses and cuddles and tell her I love her. To play with her little fingers and toes as I dress her and to sing to her as I change her bum. The weather forecast is rubbish tomorrow, but I need to get milk anyway so we will make the most of that walk - even if it does mean I get soaking wet! Play with her, make aeroplane noises as I feed her. Tell her I love her every other minute. Kiss her and cuddle her at every given opportunity.. Read with her. Oh God, I am getting all emotional yet again. Your love for your children really is overwhelming. You don't know love like this until you have children of your own. It is at the same time both a blessing and a curse. They are the most amazing things to ever happen to you, but they add so much stress to your life. When Lilia was born I was too afraid to sleep and would wake up to make sure she was still breathing.. I still do this now. I sneak into her room to check. If she is sleeping and I think she is too quiet I have a panic attack. Lol. That's just motherhood for you.

Anyways, I am going to go and tuck my baby in one last time! (I know, I shouldn't, but I have to!) Then it is sleepy time for me so that tomorrow will come quicker. Can't wait to spend it with my gorgeous little Angel. If you want to read the blog about Ronan, type 'Rockstar Ronan' into your search bar. It should be one of the top results.

G'night readers. G'night my gorgeous children. G'night Maya and family. G'night and sleep tight little Ronan.
Love you to the moon and back.

Two Days..

I know that I should be enjoying the last few days (maybe weeks) of my pregnancy, but I am not. I should be making the most of it being just me and Lilia, and I feel bad that I am not doing so, but I just want to meet Tyler now. I want to be able to cuddle my little man and to look after him on the outside. I do wish I could do more things with Lilia while it is just us but it is so hard for me to be myself now that I am so heavily pregnant. It is getting hard for me now, so I hope he comes soon.
That being said, I do believe that he will come when he is ready. And if he hasn't come yet then that means he isn't ready to be outside the womb yet.. I don't know how long it'll take for him to be ready, but I don't want to go over the 20th. If it comes to my due date and I have had no symptoms whatsoever, I have decided to start 'willing him on'. I won't do much, just long walks, bouncing, running up and down the stairs, etc. Nothing too major but I will try a couple different things:}

Three days..

Well, technically it is almost two days until my due date since it is nearly midnight. I am not liking how close it is getting to my due date. I really don't want to go into labour passed the 20th. But to be honest, right now ti looks like Tyler is staying put. It feels like I am going to be pregnant forever. Ugh!

Four days and counting..

I had already had Lilia by now. Please hurry up Tyler, Mummy is getting very impatient now, I just want to meet you already!

Why does love hurt?

Why do we fall in love? When the love is returned and it is never taken for granted it can be the most amazing thing in the world. But when something goes wrong, you are left feeling completely broken. I'm really struggling with my break up lately. I find myself looking at old pictures of us and remembering all the good times we have had together. How in love we were. He was my entire world - along with Lilia, of course - and I would have done anything for him. He made me so happy, I belonged in his arms and there was no place I would rather have been. He is still my world, in a way. I still have all the feelings for him that I had back when we first got together, I guess that's why I'm struggling so much. When things remind me of him I get so upset and end up re-living all of our amazing memories. It breaks my heart knowing that we took advantage of this amazing love we had between us. That we used and abused it so much that it ended in heart break. He has given me the best gifts anyone could ever give me - my beautiful babies - and no one can take that from him. He is my one and only first love, and always will be. Nothing and no one can replace him or what he is to me. He is my first love, the father to my children, the one who made me a better person, the one who helped me through a lot, the one who showed me a lot and taught me a lot more than anyone else ever could/can. I don't know where I would be if James and I didn't get together. I will always have feelings for him, and it's sad that they can't be put to use. Every day I long to be in his arms, to kiss his lips, to tell him I love him. When we talk about Lilia or Tyler I find myself aching to tell him I love him; to beg for him back, tell him I miss him, etc.. But I don't. I don't want to complicate things any more than they already are. I have no idea what is happening with us so I assume he doesn't either. We need to have a serious talk about it, but it's plucking up the courage to start that talk.. It's too painful to talk about how much I love him when we are not together. How I miss him and I cuddle his pillow and his side of the bed now that it's empty.. It's so embarrassing, because everyone tells me I shouldn't love him and I am better without him. But still I want him. I don't know why - if I could not love him I would. But I can't. I am drawn to him. He is like my drug, even though we are complete opposites. Like the saying in Twilight goes "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb". In this case it's the lamb loving the lion, but same concept.. Hmmm. Sorry, this is a pretty pointless post to most and some of you will probably find me pathetic. I just needed to get things off my chest. I've had an emotional day, I've pretty much been crying all night for various reasons.. The main one being me missing James. Love hurts. Nothing will change that whether you are with the one you love or not. Sadly. It's just the way it is.

Hospital bag;

Okay, so in a previous post I wrote how I'd finally be able to finish my hospital bag today as I ordered energy drinks with my food shop. How much of a relief would it have been if I didn't mess things up! Stupid baby brain, I forgot to checkout and so the shopping didn't come today. The earliest slot I got is between 8am and 10am tomorrow. I hope they don't come at 8 because that would be either when we are getting up or when we are getting dressed.. I can leave Lilia in her jammies but I don't think the poor delivery driver would appreciate seeing me in my pjs with no bra on!
On the bright side though, Lilia's present off Tyler arrived today (I only ordered it yesterday!). The bad thing is I've kept it in the box it was delivered in as I want her to kind of 'unwrap' it and am too cheap for wrapping paper when it's in a box, ha ha. I am DYING to look at it though!

39 weeks!

Just seven days until my due date. I honestly cannot believe it! It has gone soo fast! Nothing much to update everyone on to be honest.. He is moving less than he has been now, but I assume that's because there is hardly any room in there for the little guy and also they tend to stop moving as much now anyway, I think.. My nipples are so sore, sorry for the TMI, it feels like he is already here and has already been suckling on them. If they're sore before he's even out imagine the pain I am going to be in when he is out and feeding! My bump has dropped silghtly, but if you read my update yesterday that is because he is almost fully engaged! I am still getting incredibly horrible heartburn, which sucks because I am supposed to be avoiding milk or heartburn remedies as much as possible. My hip sometimes still gets bad, and it gave in the other day when I was on top of the stairs holding Lilia! So that was very frightening, but luckily I managed to catch myself. I am dying to meet my little boy, but I don't mind him staying in there a little longer if he wants to - I just don't want to go over due to the 21st, because that is when I will be having a sweep and to be honest they don't sound too pleasant! My hospital bag will finally be complete and I will be able to zip it up tonight! I am just waiting on my shopping to be delivered because I've ordered energy drinks from there to power me through labour ha ha. Everything is coming together nicely now. It was very hard work but it was definitely worth it! This may be my last weekly update, who knows!

Antenatal clinic;

So I had antenatal this evening and things went really really well. I couldn't be happier. Well I could if I didn't need more bloods, but still.. I got measured and I am measuring 2cms behind, as I always have, and she then checked Tyler's position. When she was doing this she looked like she was concentrating really hard, and asked if I've had any signs of labour.. I said no, not really. I had period pains last night and thought it might be the start of something but nothing since.. She looked a bit shocked when I said this, but she didn't say anything. She just wrote in my notes. We listened to Tyler's heartbeat and he was really low down, it took her a minute to find it because of how low he was. Everything was perfectly normal. She asked if I had any questions and I asked her about any more bloods I may have to have taken.. She said not today, as the tablets haven't been being taken long enough to actually start working yet, but I might need to have a blood count done when I go into hospital in labour. That was that and she told me that I won't have another appointment unless I go over up to the 21st, and then I will be having a sweep at home. She told me if I feel ill or anything because of my anaemia to phone them up straight away and they will need to come and take some more blood from me.
Anyways, after antenatal I read my maternity notes, I usually ask her what she's writing as she's doing it but I didn't today because I could see she was writing in more detail than usual.. TYLER IS 4/5THS ENGAGED! She wrote that I've had no signs of labour, so I guess the period pains didn't count. But I couldn't believe it! No wonder he was so low when taking his heartbeat! SOO exciting, hopefully this means that he won't be long!
Bump and how I am feeling and all that boring crap, etc, will be up tomorrow when I am THIRTY NINE WEEKS! Can you believe it!? :O

EIGHT DAYS LEFT!

I will do my pregnancy update tomorrow, this is just a short post because I am in disbelief.. Eight days left. Eight. That's just over a week. Tomorrow it will be ONE WEEK until my due date.. I mean seriously, how fast has this pregnancy gone!? Is it just me when I say this pregnancy has flown by? To me it has definitely gone faster than my pregnancy with Lilia did. But I don't know if it's just a personal thing because I have been so occupied with Lilia throughout this pregnancy or what? A woman on Baby Centre said how it annoyed her that someone said her pregnancy has gone by really fast because to her it has really dragged on.. She was due a few days before me.. I felt bad for thinking mine had flown, ha ha! Weird how time goes by differently for different people, huh!

I can't believe it..

Lilia was my precious little baby, with tiny little hands that just about wrapped around my finger. She was soft to the touch, and so innocent and new..

Now she is this (almost) walking, (kind of) talking, little girl. She is still tiny to me, but looking back on photos of when she was younger it's hard to believe she was ever any smaller.

Isn't it completely mad how they grow so big so fast? How we are the people who raised them, grew them, nurtured them.. I can't believe this beautiful little lady toddling around with her own personality used to be a minuscule little egg, small enough to fit into my ovaries.. Microscopic. It is a complete marvel. And yes, I am having a soppy moment ha ha. I love my Princess.

Insert loud sighing noise here..

I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to put down. Things I need to get out and say (well, write) before I explode. The only problem is, I don't really know where to begin. It will all be too complicated for you lovely readers to understand because I haven't explained anything of these situations, etc, to you, but I just need to start somewhere and get what I am feeling off my chest.
The only problem is... I don't know how I'm feeling. And I don't know if what I do happen to be feeling is right.

AAARRRGGGHHHH dgdfndfnhiodfgdngnklnjnfkjnhfkjgnkjdfxnhdxnhkldfxnh jdfn hndfhjnf.

Thirty Eight Weeks!

I can't believe I have made it this far. I was so nervous about Tyler coming early, everyone had predicted around the thirty six week mark and I was nowhere near ready by then. I still have a few bits and bobs to do before he comes, but he is welcome to come whenever he likes now really - as long as it is in his correct month! I don't think he is going to be long. I said this with Lilia for weeks before I gave birth to her, ha ha, but I genuinely believe Tyler will be here soon. (It'll be just my luck for him to come late now, you watch!) For the past two nights I have been struggling to sleep. I stay up really late at night tossing and turning and then once I have finally dropped off I find myself waking up on and off until between 6 and 8, then I am up for the day. Today I managed to squeeze an hour nap in at 9 after Lilia had been fed and changed, etc. But an hour was all she wanted and then she was up and ready to play. I'm even missing her nap times (lately I've been sleeping when she does) so that I am tired going to bed, but it still doesn't work. His movements are also really painful. I can feel him pressing on everything and it hurts SO bad, I don't remember it hurting like this when I was full term with Lilia.

My anaemia is still pretty much the same. I am expecting to have my blood taken at my next antenatal, which is on Thursday, to check my levels again but they haven't actually told me this. I still feel anaemic some days, and I had a bad turn a few days ago when I didn't eat my lunch and take my tablet at the time I usually do. I couldn't see properly, I couldn't feel my hands, everything was echoey, and it was like I was there but I wasn't.. A sort of out of body experience, if that makes sense.

Apart from that everything else is still pretty much the same as it always is. I had noticed a reduction in movement from him - which is to be expected - but today he seems to be a bit more active again and jabbing everything with all his might. Yay. Not long to go now, four weeks MAXIMUM.. Exciting stuff!

When money is tight..

So I pegged out about one this afternoon because my friend came over and didn't give me a chance to beforehand.. Anyways, consequently the washing still isn't dry now - there wasn't enough wind and it wasn't that hot either. I want to use as little electricity as possible, so instead of tumble drying my washing I have it dangled from anything it can possibly dangle from in my living room, as well as all the radiators (though they are not on). Ha ha. You gotta do what you gotta do, right!

Anyways.. Seventeen days to go, and counting! I really can't wait to meet my little man, but I am definitely
hoping for him to wait until September to come. I don't want an August baby, ha ha.
I have so much ironing I want to get done before Tyler comes. I also have to put the bedding on his crib, put about four loads of washing away (that's not including the constant washing I have to do anyway!), finish packing my hospital bag, clear the other end of my living room, move my dining table back in, and find a place for his moses basket. Believe me that is soo much less compared to what it was.
I can't remember if I have told you that Lilia is in her own bedroom now? Well she is :) and she is doing excellent in there. Usually sleeps all night. My mother is bringing down a cot bed for Tyler soon, and we are going to put it up in their bedroom ready for when he's too big for his crib and moses basket. It's so nice seeing their room done :)

Nineteen Days To Go!

I am EXTREMELY skint, so I am hoping that Tyler doesn't want to come for another two weeks. Which is sad because I wanted to meet him sooner, but I'd rather be prepared in every aspect first.
There is actually no point to this post, just me telling you all I have nineteen days left.. I did warn that the countdown had begun at thirty seven weeks. Ha ha.
This pregnancy has gone by super fast. Definitely seems faster than Lilia's did!

37 weeks - the countdown begins!

So the countdown to my due date finally begins today! I am officially full term, and if and when Tyler comes he will be fully developed and perfectly healthy :) (according to gestation). I am definitely feeling full term, too. I never used to swell up with Lilia but with Tyler my legs and feet swell up if I am on them for too long all the time - too long is apparently cleaning my downstairs! Also I stood up for two hours straight and they ballooned to like triple the size! They ache all the time too. I am constantly feeling tired and drained. Which brings me to my next point.. Yesterday, I had antenatal. I got the blood results back from the surprise bloods they took at my last appointment. Now they told me that they'd phone me if I needed to go on iron tablets, but I didn't get a phone call so I assumed everything was okay.. How wrong I was! My iron level was 9.5, and my midwife was furious that I wasn't on any iron tablets! It was the appointment where you discuss your birthing plans, so you have to see your named midwife. My named midwife seems to be the only one that actually cares about my well being beyond doing what she has to at antenatal, which is a bit ridiculous. (I have the same team as I did last time, and they never seemed this bad when I was having Lilia!) I explained to Amanda (my named midwife) that they told me they would phone me if I needed to go on iron tablets, but no one had phoned me so I just assumed everything was fine and I didn't need any.. She was disgusted that no one had phoned me. After I said this, she turned to me and said "you should have been on iron tablets since twenty eight weeks. Then, your iron levels were ten. At thirty four weeks, they were 9.5. They are dangerously low and someone should have told you about this. Now you only have three weeks to build them back up again otherwise you WILL be having an iron transfusion. Your iron levels are so low that if they drop any further the next time you are tested I will be admitting you for a transfusion. I understand that you didn't know, but now you have to really work hard in getting them levels up. Eat lots of veg, citrus fruits, drink orange juice, red meats, and if you can get any iron supplements to take for tonight then that would be great. Tomorrow first thing you need to phone up your GP and tell them I have told you you need an iron prescription. Any problems, phone the midwifery team and tell them to tell ME about it. I am taking this into my own hands and I will sort this for you." Clearly she wasn't very happy with her colleagues. I wouldn't be either! I was so nervous about this, because they said that I could go in for a transfusion and I know from seeing my nan go through it that it is not very nice at all! But I spoke to someone from my area who was severely anaemic and she said her iron levels dropped to 8.5 and they didn't do anything about it. She didn't have a transfusion, but when she went into labour they got everything ready for one just in case her body didn't cope but luckily it did. I am really going to work hard on building my iron levels up now because I am so nervous about needing a transfusion it's unbelievable! I wanted to buy some Floradix to help build them up, but it is so expensive! I am so skint for the next two weeks that I don't think I can afford to spend a tenner on one bottle!
Anyway, other things that happened in my appointment was I actually remembered to ask about positioning and measurements! Amanda told me she didn't know why they hadn't talked about it with me or even bothered measuring me, maybe they had forgotten because they were busy.. But she told me he is head down. He isn't engaged yet, his head bobs in and out of where it should be ready for labour but apparently that's normal for second time mums because everything is stretched. Lilia never engaged until labour anyway so I'm not really taking too much notice of him not being engaged. My bump is measuring 35cms, so that's 2cms smaller than what it should be. But I don't think they are worried because Amanda didn't say anything. I am more baby than anything else this time around anyway so I guess it makes sense.
I feel my tummy pulling and aching underneath my bump because of supporting all of his weight and him being so low. It isn't nice but usually it goes if I am sitting down, it just begins hurting if I've been stood up for a while or active. I still have a bad hip, just not as often. Same with my back. The pains are not so severe now either. More annoying, ha ha. I still have horrid heartburn too.

Slightly embarrassing!

Never have I been so open about my personal life before. I wish I had just kept to to myself for that little while longer, and then I would have saved myself all these explanations.
So going from my post yesterday about James and I .. Again, I have no idea where I stand. So no more updates until everything is final and 100% definite.
Not that anyone really reads my blog or cares about my love life, ha ha. But it is getting so embarrassing going back on what I've said in previous posts all the time. Men are worse than women, believe me.

Okay..? Confused!

So today James came down to help with sorting the house out and to spend time with Lilia. We got a lot done, and I am so pleased. We managed to sort my entire bedroom out, we just have a few clothes to go away in the wardrobe and then it's done completely! And move the moses basket in from my mums.. We moved Lilia into her bedroom and all we have left to do in there is empty a few bags which we haven't unpacked yet. I also got curtains up in my living room and a light shade (one more light shade to go up, but it's broken atm, don't ask!) and I had new sofas delivered and the old ones are currently in my garden awaiting collection on Thursday.
Anyway, that's not why I'm confused, obviously. I'm confused because once everyone had left (my parents were here helping us out), James ignored me for a little while. I offered him food, etc, but he wouldn't accept a proper meal - just snacks. Every time I'd try and make a conversation with him he'd just give short answers. He was more bothered with playing with Lilia. After Lilia went to bed, he stayed. I'd catch him looking at me when Lilia was awake, and vice versa. But as soon as she was in bed he started throwing a cushion at me from the other sofa. It turned into a massive play fight where he got up and came over. He started tickling me, and then held me tight. I teared up a bit, because I never feel as right as I do when I'm in his arms. I could hear his voice going wobbly too. He told me he's missed me. We had cuddles on the sofa and we kissed. I asked him what was happening between us. He said "well, we've both moved on and met new people.." I nearly burst into tears, I thought he was telling me he'd met someone new already. I mean his phone had been going off all night so I was already getting a bit suspicious.. But when I asked what he meant, he said "well, we can start a new relationship. A new us." I couldn't help but smile. I asked him to stay over the night, but he said no. He said we have things to sort out first before we can really move back in together and be in a full on relationship. Which I agree with.
But I am SOOO confused. I mean he seemed soo uninterested in getting back together, I don't know what happened. If I knew we were going to be working things out I wouldn't have even brought our break up into my blog at all.. Ah well.

Thirty Six Weeks;

No updates today, just a photo of my bump - which looks like it's shrinking, ha ha. I haven't had a phone call off my midwife saying that I need iron tablets, so I imagine that I don't anymore.

James and Isabella - what happened.

Monday night we got into a huge argument. It was quite petty really, he'd been annoying me all evening and I'd been biting my tongue so when it came down to something really little I just burst. He ate some sausage rolls that I'd bought for myself and Lilia to have for a quick lunch on days where we were going out and needed something fast and easy, etc. Anyway I started shouting at him for it and when I went upstairs he followed me up and continued the argument. I told him how upset I am that he kept choosing to go out over spending any time with me, and he said "yeah, because I can't stand you".. Long story short, we shouted and screamed for ages and I ended up in tears. He finished me then and there and slept out in my side passage shed thing. The next day he left early in the morning and we didn't get to speak much. He asked if he could spend the night here because he had nowhere to go that night, I said yes - foolishly thinking it'd give us a chance to talk about things rather than shout and I even thought that maybe we'd be able to work things out. Maybe he'd say he only ended it in the heat of the moment.. I was wrong. He came back at 10pm and didn't really speak to me. I tried to make normal conversation first and I was just getting short answers, nothing I could use to keep the conversation going. I figured there was no point in me even bringing up such a sensitive topic when he didn't even want to talk about random stuff. He fell asleep not long after, and I sat there just staring at him, with tears in my eyes. I wanted so badly to talk to him and to sort things out. To kiss his cheek goodnight or even to cuddle up next to him, in his arms where I belong..

I went to bed, and cried for a few hours, ha ha. I woke early in the morning thinking maybe he was just too tired to talk to me last night. He still didn't want to talk. He bothered with Lilia for a few minutes, before getting up to get washed and dressed and then leaving. I'm not stupid, so I knew this was really it. He didn't even want to speak about things so obviously he knew what he was doing when he broke up with me. I weren't going to bother trying to sort things out again. We didn't speak all day, and he text me saying he was picking up some of his stuff and going to live with his Gran and Grampa. I just said okay. When I got back to the house some of his clothes were already gone, I text him asking where he left my spare key and he said he'd bring it up Saturday when he comes to help me have new sofas delivered.

I still love him with all my heart and I still miss him, but he obviously doesn't want to be with me so what can I do. I'd rather be hurt over us not being together than him be with me and not actually want to.

I'm still a bit raw so I don't know how it is going to go when I see him tomorrow, I still find myself tearing up over stupid things now. Wish me luck, eh.

Single Mummy To Two?

Just a quick post to tell you all that James and I have split up again. We've been split up for two days, but I didn't bother mentioning it because up until today I thought we'd get back together. I don't think so now, though.
I'll post again talking about it when I have time or when I'm ready or whatever.. But thought you guys should know.

Yay!

Words can't express how unbelievably happy I am right now! I have had a very busy day and I'm soo exhausted right now, but it was so worth it. My mother came down today and helped James and I finish painting the babies' room. It is now almost completely painted! The ceiling needs to be cut in again, but that's all that's left to be done with the paint. This week coming up my mother and I are going to buy some decor for the wardrobe that is in there and funk it up to fit the theme of their bedroom. Once it's all nice and tidy looking, we will put it in it's place and James and his friend are going to have to move our wardrobe out of there and back into our room (it has been in the kids' room since we fitted the carpet in our room, James hasn't had a chance to move it back yet, plus our room isn't painted anyway and we thought we'd have it done by now). Once that is done we shall be moving Lilia's cot and her little bits and bobs which we have stored in our room at the minute into the bedroom, and work on getting her to stay in there. It is all coming along nicely now and it really feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Once it is completely done I am sure I'll feel like I am flying with the amount of baggage that will have been lifted, ha ha!
We even managed to wash all of Tyler's clothes and get them away, AND painted the entire bathroom! I am so happy it's unbelievable. It has definitely been exhausting though.
All I have left to do tonight now is get my washing in off the line, pick up Lilia's toys from the living room, do the dishes, take the recycling out, and then clean the bathroom. After that I will be soaking in a lovely hot bubble bath, and then curling up in bed to have a nice long sleep with a massive grin on my face.



ONE HAPPY MUMMY/HOUSE WIFE RIGHT NOW! :D

Thirty Five Weeks!

I have started to pick up a bit this week, not been as uncomfortable in the days now, just the nights, though his movements are becoming VERY painful. I am still finding myself to be tired in the evenings, but I don't seem to be that tired throughout the day any more. I am still nearly always hot and sweaty, and the weather has picked up a bit now so as you can imagine I am not loving the heat. The only other new update I have is that I had an antenatal appointment yesterday, just a regular check-up, and they had to take more bloods. Nothing serious, but at my last appointment where I had my bloods done (twenty nine weeks) I was borderline anaemic, and they needed to do another test to see if I need iron tablets. It explains why I've been feeling so awful and drained all the time. To be honest I just put it down to being pregnant and having a young baby on top of a house to sort out! So anyway I just gotta wait for them to phone me with my blood results now to find out if I need to get some tablets. My blood pressure was slightly low, but it usually is and it was when I went all dizzy and faint from having my bloods done anyway, ha ha. I forgot to mention my swelling to her, and I forgot to ask her to measure me too, because I was in such a tizz from my bloods. It took her a while to find Tyler's heartbeat, I knew he was fine but of course I am still going to worry. When I moved onto my back (I was lying in foetal position, feeling very sick, haha!) and she found his heartbeat, she said it was probably because I was in an awkward position and wasn't co-operating very well. She said he sounds like he is feeling better than I am anyway, ha ha! She felt his position too when she couldn't find his heartbeat, but she never told me or wrote in my notes what it was. Again I didn't ask because I wasn't feeling too good and it wasn't the first thing on my mind, ha ha. That's about it I think. Five weeks to go! I can't believe it!

Random post 'cos I can :)

Okay so I'm in the middle of cleaning and washing and organising, but my feet have swollen up and are aching like mad so I'm resting them for a minute. I could probably power through; since I only have a little bit of picking up, mopping, and turning a dial on my washing machine left to do, but I have a few things I wanted to write about so I'm using my achy feet as an excuse.. But hey, pregnancy is a good excuse for a lot of things :P!
Anyways, I thought it'd be easier to put everything into one post rather than do like three separate ones, so I've just titled them out to separate them, ha ha....

TWO SETS OF TWO!!
I'm a member of a group on Facebook for young mums in my local area and a few members wanted to meet up a couple of months back. I never went, but I have been talking to one of the members for a while and we are hoping to meet up soon (but maybe if it's hard for me to get organised for Tyler's arrival, a little later on after his birth). This woman is amazing, I have so much respect for her and what she has been through. When she was just twelve she got told that it was highly unlikely she would ever have children. Just three years after that she naturally conceived non-identical twins. At the very young age of fifteen, someone who thought she'd never be a mother at all became a mother of two. Her little boys, Oliver and Jack, are now seven years old and perfectly healthy, absolutely nothing wrong with them. Not to mention she also has ANOTHER set of twins! One year old identical little girls, Mollie and Maegan, who are also perfectly healthy and have nothing wrong with them. I was so fascinated by her story, even after having her first set of twins she was still told it is unlikely she'll conceive again.. And she did, with MORE multiples! She was telling me how she's met a few people who have been in the same situation - told they cannot have kids and conceived either multiples or more than once! This woman counts her blessings and thanks the lucky stars for her 'miracle babies', but really I just think sometimes maybe doctors don't know everything. I mean they've obviously gotten infertility wrong many times before! Really makes you think, huh.

YOU HAVE HOW MANY?!
I've known someone for a while now, but only ever met up with her once. She is just twenty one years old and has FIVE children, one angel baby, and she is pregnant.. She has a four year old son, a daughter who she lost at twenty odd weeks pregnant, an eighteen month old daughter, and four month old twin boys. And she is ten weeks pregnant with another baby.. Only fellow mothers will understand how much respect I have for this woman. I mean, I wouldn't be that crazy or do the things that she has done, but she is coping very well with so many kids and she also has a job! I honestly don't know how she does it. You would never believe she has so many kids. Because of her job, her energy, and also her body.. She has a better body than me, and I've only had one (so far)! She manages to find time to go to the gym for an hour a week, keep up her job, be a mother to these children, and never forget her beautiful angel. In my opinion, yes her choices have been silly and she is so incredibly stupid to have had so many children so young and by so many different guys - all of which are not in her or her children's lives (every child has a different father except for the twins and the baby currently growing), but she is managing so well and I really respect that! Still can't get over how many kids she has and the fact that she is pregnant again though. I mean what the?! Who in their right mind would?! .. I just can't believe it, ha ha.

IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU'D CONSIDER BEING A GOOD FRIEND?
So my friend has really peed me off lately. She comes over when she feels like it and doesn't care if she disrupts poor Lilia's routine. She gets pissed if I'm busy and not there to accommodate her last minute plans, and then writes bitchy Facebook status' aimed at me saying how I'm never there for her, etc, which is in fact far from the truth.. Very far from it. Anyway, she came over this morning when I was in the middle of cleaning. You could clearly tell I was busy and trying to clean and apart from that I'd already told her.. She emptied Lilia's toy box out completely for her little girl, and watched her little girl break two of Lilia's toys. One was a soft sheep that her little girl bit, and to be honest I'd been waiting for someone to break it because I knew it was coming, but the other was a light up sword thing that James paid a fiver for when we took Lilia to the circus.. I was gutted. Not only was it expensive and a nice little reminder of the fun we had that night but it was sharp and had wires in! I couldn't believe she just watched her daughter break it, and didn't say a word. She didn't tell her off, just kicked the toy to one side! Then she made a sly comment about how she only gives her child water, just because I give Lilia very weak squash! And then went on to say "fill Lottie's bottle up with the same amount" when I went to do Lilia a bottle of milk to help her go off to sleep.. As soon as I made the bottles up - which I only did because I felt a bit mean giving to one and not the other - she left! So I carried on cleaning and have found an empty fag box, a half empty can of Monster energy drink with the rest of it spilt all over my floor, puddles of juice which she had used my CLEAN washing to wipe up, and Lilia's toys were still left everywhere. I wouldn't mind the toys being left out if she hadn't tipped the entire box out. I mean, every mother knows what it's like to have a child and to constantly be picking up after them.. I don't need more mess on top of Lilia's mess already and being heavily pregnant. If I go over her house I always make sure Lilia treats Lottie's toys with respect, and I tell her off and take them off her if she doesn't. I make sure I pick up any mess Lilia has made and I certainly don't make any mess myself! If Lilia tips something I'll ask her what to use to wipe it up or use Lilia's wetwipes - I would never leave it or use her freshly folded washing to wipe it up! I just can't believe the state she has left my house in especially after knowing that I have been trying to clean it today! And I would also never be cheeky and ask for milk or ANYTHING off of her unless Lilia really needed it, I always make sure I go everywhere prepared. Not to mention the fact that Lottie had already had a bottle of milk in front of Lilia! Ugh. I don't think that's really a good friend tbh, do you?!

34 weeks;

So again I haven't really experienced anything different to last week and the week before. Tyler is still a very active baby, but definitely moves less than he used to. This may be a bit TMI for some of you, but my private parts are starting to feel very swollen. This is a sign of the baby dropping, I've been told. Though my bump doesn't feel as low as it did last week, so I don't know. I feel sick in the mornings and it takes about an hour of sitting around doing nothing except having breakfast and watching TV to make me feel okay. I have days where I have no energy at all and really don't want to do a thing, and then other days I nest and have to clean things otherwise it bugs me.. So I guess I'm kinda nesting, ha ha. I am working my way through three big bags of clothes that we have been given for Tyler from friends who have had boys in the past. So far I have done two loads of washing and emptied one and a bit bags. I also have a small bag of things that I have from Lilia or that me or my family have bought for Tyler left to wash. There are also multiple bags that James' mother has been given for us. I haven't seen how many, but James said there are A LOT of them. So it looks like I am going to spend my days doing lots of baby washing! Good job the teeny clothes are so cute to look at, ha ha. I have been having braxton hicks quite a lot this week. It has worried James' mother to the point that she has asked to have Lilia for a few days! She wanted Lilia from Thursday until Sunday but I would just miss her too much, so we came to an agreement of late afternoon Thursday until Saturday morning/early afternoon. I am missing her like crazy, but using the time wisely and preparing for Tyler, since everyone seems to be convinced that he'll be making an early appearance! I am going to spend the rest of today painting the babies' bedroom, hopefully I can get it all finished today and then we can move Lilia in and get the moses basket down here from my mums ready for Tyler!

Stressed, exhausted, fed up!

I am not feeling too good lately. Since yesterday I think. I was already constantly feeling tired but now I am feeling run down and just plain awful. I have a constant headache, I am always feeling dehydrated, I am feeling sick - sometimes so sick that I heave even when I cough, I have terrible bowel movements.. I was so worried it might be a sign that I am going into labour soon because I am constantly on the toilet. I just feel terrible and really want to be left alone to sleep all day. Of course that is impossible with Lilia around and no help during the day.
I am just getting so stressed over how much we have left to do before Tyler arrives and having to do everything while feeling like this is not fun at all. Poor Lilia is only doing little things wrong, like sitting in the way of me sweeping, and I am acting as if it's the end of the world! Usually I'd just ask her to move and if she doesn't I'd move her myself, but I am so stressed out and feeling so crappy that I find myself screaming at her. I feel so bad because I never shout at her, but I am just feeling so terrible I want to get all jobs over and done with so I can sit on the sofa. Even then she is crawling all over me and pushing on my stomach.
As soon as I shout at her I feel so bad, I can see her tear up and when she cries it breaks my heart knowing that she is crying because of me :( I cuddle her every time afterwards, the guilt just eats me up :(
But it is soo hard to be able to be everywhere and do everything while feeling so drained. I don't want to have a premature baby or anything, but I honestly cannot wait until I am not pregnant anymore. As soon as I have Tyler and my body is my own I am determined it is going to stay my own for a VERY long time!

33 weeks;

This week is pretty much the same as last. Only less pain in my back/legs, and more heartburn. The weather is so hot that it makes it even harder for me to sleep now. I've also noticed Tyler doesn't move as much in this weather as he does usually.I don't know if it is actually because of the weather, or just because he hasn't got much room left.. But he's definitely not moving as much. That's pretty much the only things I have to say on my pregnancy for this week:)

Bump Comparison;

Sun, sun, sun!

So I posted yesterday that Lilia and I were going to be making the most of the sun we are having, since we hardly ever get it. I promised photos of Lilia enjoying said sun, in her pool, etc.. Well, Lilia was NOT fussed on the pool. At all. I invited two of my friends up with their little girls, thinking it would be really nice for all three of them to get in the pool together and play outside.. Heck, even the mums could fit in the pool, too!
Well anyway, after all the effort it took James and his friend to blow up the pool (we don't have a pump and it is a biiig pool to blow up just using your breath - he and his friend both nearly passed out!), all the effort it took me to fill it (it took about fifteen minutes to fill since we don't have a hosepipe, we had to use the washing up bowl, the kettle, and Lilia's toy bucket), and all the kerfuffle it took to organise Lilia's little play mates to come over (my friends are both really lazy and though they promised they'd come over early, I had to nag them until TWO THIRTY PM!! For them to come round. So much for making a day of it, right!).. Lilia hated it.
She got in it at first, and she was a bit iffy. She just sat there for a while, but I brought her dummy out to her (she loves her dummy, it's so comforting to her) and she started to loosen up a little.. Then Lottie, my closest friends little girl, decided she was going to go absolutely mental in the pool. She crawled around EVERYWHERE, splashed Lilia and Amelia (the other baby), and screamed at them. We put Lilia's plastic balls in the pool, and Lottie just threw them everywhere. Amelia and Lilia both screamed to get out, and away from Lottie. Amelia's mum grabbed her straight away, but I was determined Lilia was going to make SOME use of the pool! So I sat in it with her and tried to play with her. She started to come round, and when she finally got off my lap, Lottie started going mental again. After about half an hour of me sitting in the pool trying to peel my screaming baby off of me, I gave up. I got out and wrapped Lilia in a towel for some cuddles instead. Amelia came 'round in the end, and she and Lottie played in the pool for about an hour, but Lilia refused to go back in.
After she had enough cuddles she decided she wanted to sit in a deck chair and watch chill out in the sun. So apologies for promising plenty of photos of Lilia in her pool and not delivering.. But I got one of her in the deck chair. That's okay, right? Ha ha!

James and I are going into town today, to pick up a birthday card for my Nan :) and for a nice little walk, to make the most of what will most probably be our only week of summer weather, ha ha. If you notice.. I said James and I. Yeah, he isn't in work. He quit. But that's another post for another day, when the weather is not so nice and all I can do is sit in the house and blog :P I will explain though, I promise!

Thirty two weeks;

So I'm going to make this post a short and sweet one. I wanna get it done out of the way fast because I owe you guys an update, but it is actually soo nice outside for once! I want to get out there in Lilia's new pool and  make the most of this weird new thing in the sky called the sun. Not much is different to my last update anyway. But I promise there will be pictures of Lilia making the most of summer :D .

Lilia loving on her little brother :)

Actually 32 weeks and 3 days in the photos.

Okay, so not much is different compared to last week, like I mentioned above. I get majour heart burn, I am always hot and bothered, I get out of breath so easily.. I am so uncomfortable it is unbelievable. I don't think I was ever this uncomfy with Lilia, not even near the end. I hardly ever sleep, I can hardly even sit comfortably. It is torture, for sure. Other than that, oh and my new stretch marks ripping, nothing else is new or different compared to last week.

Twelve months;

So I decided that Lilia is long overdue a development update. I pulled my camera out to take a photo to go with the update, but Lilia wouldn't put her quavers down. She did do her cheesy smile for the camera, but you can see the crisps in her mouth and on her face, ha ha. She's so cute!

Anyways, Lilia pretty much eats anything and everything. She is learning to feed herself, she can put the spoon to her mouth but she hasn't really grasped the 'neat' concept yet, ha ha. She can stand up and walk whilst holding onto either furniture or hands, she tried to stand by herself on occasion but hasn't quite got the balance yet. I love that she is trying though, she'll definitely get it soon. She can shake her head 'no' and nod her head 'yes', and she also raises both hands and drops them when we tell her "all gone!" She also says "gone", "iya", "mum", "dad", "ta", "ta-ta", and she babbles to herself an awful lot. She has also got a VERY healthy set of lungs on her! She loves to scream, ha ha. She also waves hello and goodbye.

She loves her books, especially her lift the flap ones. She loves to open the flaps and babble to herself, pretending to read. She loves her cuddly little monkey called Coconut, and she loves playing with balls too. She is so independent and will sit there and play quietly on her own. She is crawling, and if I leave the room she usually crawls behind me and follows me into whatever room I go into and then plays in there. We have a TV cabinet, and she loves opening the doors and hiding everything in there ha ha.

She is definitely a Daddy's Girl, and it upsets me in a way but it makes me smile so much to see how much she adores James. She can give lovely open mouthed kisses, sometimes she even generously sticks her tongue in, and afterwards she says "aaah". She also rests her head on us, or cuddles us with her arms, and says "aah". She's such a cutie.

You know when Lilia is naughty because she is quiet. If we look at her she will stick her tongue out and smile angelically. She also sticks her tongue out when she's planning her mischief. She hardly ever listens to me when I tell her no, but whenever James tells her off she will pull the biggest puppy dog face ever with her bottom lip like 5cms in front and then cry. She also has a TERRIBLE temper, and will have a hissy fit over almost anything when she doesn't get her own way.

She isn't in her own room yet because we haven't painted it, I know - shame on us! But she sleeps in her own cot and is really good at it considering we never used any method at all to enforce this rule on her. When she is awake in her cot, she will lie there until she goes to sleep (usually). Sometimes, she will peep above the cot bumper and spy on James and I, then look away when she realises we're looking. It's the sweetest thing ever, but it is hard not to play with her back.

She usually has one nap a day and that's around 11:30am, but she gets tired in the afternoons too. It's just she refuses to sleep and I won't let her after 4pm. She usually goes to bed around 7ish, though sometimes she will be naughty and stay downstairs a bit longer (it's not really her being naughty, it's us, but still, haha).

She loves looking at herself, she shouts "iya!" at her reflection in the mirror, in glass, on the laptop, and she loves it when I put my webcam on and she can see herself on the screen.

She has eight teeth. Four top, four bottom. Well, four top and three and a half bottom, the fourth is just cutting through the gum.

She is on cows milk and has two bottles a day, sometimes three depending on how tired she is or how much she has eaten.

She is such a polite baby, says 'ta' when someone gives her something and 'ta' when she gives someone else something, to tell them to say ta too. It's adorable. She claps her hands and dances whenever music comes on, even if it is an advert on the TV. She will clap her hands if someone says "cap 'ands" or "yay!" or "clever!", and will dance if someone says "dance" and jigs about with her.

She had an accident the other week, which lead to me realising just how much of a little monkey she is! She can now climb up the bottom step of my stairs. She hasn't got the balance to sit on the thin step yet though, that's what lead to her accident. I had no idea she could do this until she hurt herself.

I can't really think of much else, but if you have any questions on something then fire away :)