Dressing my baby;

I love dressing her up for days out and things:) Having a baby girl is definitely the best for dressing up!
But the thing is.. Everyone has given me stuff so I don't need to buy anything. Though it's useful and I'm not ungrateful, I've only kept the second hand babygrows and vests, etc.. It's not that there's anything wrong with the clothes I'm given, it's just I want to choose what my baby wears in the day and not only have things that people have handed down to me..
I'm not ungrateful at all, and sometimes if I really love an outfit I'll keep it, it's just part of the fun of having a baby is to shop for cute little clothes to put them in!
I'll obviously keep and use day outfits which are bought as a gift, but usually second hand clothes I'll throw out..
James' sister knows I do this, and she has made me feel really guilty for it. Is it really that bad of me to want to buy things for my own daughter? I know everyone thinks they're helping when they give me stuff, and they are! .. It's just that I'd like to spend money on my little girl too, you know?
Do you think this is bad of me? Please comment :)

Amy Winehouse and the 92 teenagers who died.

Why is everyone so shocked when a celebrity dies? It's like we think they're immortal or something, ha ha! It's such a tradgedy that Amy died so young, but even her mother said it was really inevitable. My heart goes out to all of her family, friends, fans.. But why is she in the news more than the 92 (or more) 14-19 year olds who got shot at a youth camp for absolutely nothing? Although it is upsetting and a huge loss that Amy has died, and she doesn't deserve any of the abuse she gets, she did do drugs and that was the cause of her death (or so everyone thinks). She basically killed herself, and all the teenagers had done was attent a youth camp..
I'm not saying one loss is justified or greater than the other or anything like that.. I'm just wondering why Amy has had so many news stories and the Norwegians have had half of that at the most.. Just because someone is famous it doesn't mean their death should be broadcasted all over the world with every detail for us all to see, and it doesn't mean that theirs should be bigger news than any other person dying.

Rant over..
R.I.P Amy Winehouse.
R.I.P all those teens lost on Utoy (I think).
R.I.P everyone who we have lost so far in 2011, and before.

Everyone deserves the same rememberance, no matter how they died, when, or where. Or who they were. :)

Surviving Lilia - Week Five.

Lilia is so much more awake now, and is responding to me talking to her by looking and smiling.
She hasn't yet smiled for anyone else apart from me, however my mother has seen her smile while she's sleeping.
She has given a little giggle a few times too :)
I can't believe my little girl is growing up so fast! I like it in a way.. But in other ways, I don't ha ha.
She has recently gone into 0-3months sized clothes, but can still fit into newborn day outfits - babygrows are too small for her if they're smaller than 0-3 now :o
She's still not completely strong in holding her head up but she does it for quite a long time now:)
She has 5oz and usually feeds every 4 hours :}

I honestly don't know what else is new because I'm around her 24/7 anyway so every change is just kinda natural to me. People have said she's losing her hair though.. And she is a bit of a ginger! (James has ginger in his family) She definitely hasn't inherited any of my Italian genes! Ha ha.

Four weeks, four days post partum;

I haven't actually done anything to lose weight, so it's probably exactly the same as it was two weeks post partum.. I can't find my Wii Fit disc :/
But I'm going to start walking soon (we haven't had very good weather recently, so I haven't had a chance to start) and hopefully I'll benefit from that :)
I'm just posting this so I can see if any changes actually happen, though comparing my photo to my two week post partum photo.. not much has! My skin has just sagged a little more! Ha ha ha! And I actually look bigger!
* I promise I'm not! It just must be how close I am to the webcam or the position I'm in or something.. HONEST! Lmao.

Anyway, I'm totally fine. I stopped bleeding and losing gunky stuff or whatever it was on the Sunday last weekend (so she was literally four weeks exactly then), and I'm glad to not have to wear pads all the time now! Though I am getting period pains and have been told I'll probably come on very very soon, ugh!
My boobs still leak little drops of milk but since I lost my milk supply it's not much. I still put breast pads on sometimes, if my leakage is a bit more than usual (days when Lilia's very whingy), but mainly I don't wear them anymore.
My stretch marks are fading well, and are SOOO much lighter around the front of my belly now! They're obviously still visible and most are still a purple-ish colour, but they're getting there!
My skin is really loose and sagging and it always wobbles when I laugh (hahaha) which kinda depresses me! I know it'll never get back to normal, but I wish I'd have time to start making sure I lose now! I don't eat very much anymore, mainly due to not having time, but if I do eat it's usually healthy so at least I'm doing something, right!

On the 19th..

Lilia had a little bit of a giggle! Her first ever one! How cute!
I was tickling her chin with my nails and she giggled twice! She hasn't laughed since then so I think it was just a one-off until she gets a little more deveoped, but I'm still counting it as her first laugh! It truly melted my heart :)

The chair..

So I ended up choosing the bottom chair. Mainly because my friend has the boy version of the other chair for her little man and I know she'd just compare.. Her opinion is everyone has to do things her way, and she doesn't like the fact that I completely disagree.. She's put her little boy on baby rice already and he's two months old. In my opinion that's too soon.. So she'd just tell me what to do with the chair and stuff and I think it'd get to her head if I had the same one as her.. Ha ha. But also because I had a £10 voucher off someone for Mothercare, and that's where the other chair was from :) I'd been looking for something to spend that voucher on for aages! I HATE vouchers, ha ha! Mothercare just never had anything.. That chair was perfect :D

I'm really glad with my choice. Even my friend said that the chair is better than hers, and she's jealous ha :P But I really love it, and Lilia loves it too :) A photo of her in it is below :}

Surviving Lilia - week four.

Sorry this is two days late, I honestly forgot about my blog for a little while, ha ha! I've been busy shopping :D

Anyways.. Lilia has been really unsettled, and spent almost every night last week in my bed:| (I love co-sleeping, but she needs to learn to go down in her own bed and without me too..) I didn't have much sleep at all and was also surviving on little food because I didn't have any time to eat due to Lilia being unsettled in the daytime also. I'm pretty sure she has the beginning of colic. I've started giving her infacol and this week she seems a little more settled and is actually sleeping in her crib. Sometimes she still wants cuddles to go off to sleep, but who can complain about that, right!
She's changing by the day and so big now! She's getting weighed again in a week so I can't wait to see how much she weighs now! Last time she was weighed she was 9lb! Went from 7lb 9oz right up to 9lb in less than two weeks! CRAZY!
I can't wait until she starts to get a personality, it'll be so exciting!

Being a mummy;

Being a mother is the most emotional role that I have ever played. I've found myself crying, laughing, fearing, being proud, being worried, loving someone so much it feels like my heart will explode, etc.. All that the same time. My emotions are running wild, and it's not due to my hormones being all over the place. I will be this emotional forever now. Sometimes I just watch my baby and cry... Because I'm so lucky, because she's beautiful, because she's mine, because I don't deserve her, just simply because.
Being a mother has allowed me to respect people a lot more than I did before. I certainly respect women more than I did. We truly are miraculous creatures! I have no idea how we do what we do.. But we do. To be able to raise a child is one of the hardest things to accomplish.. But to be willing to let them go is even harder. And that's why I think my mother is the most respectable woman in the world. My mum was willing to let me grow up; let me be independant. She let me move out, she let me think that I knew everything and she let me do what I wanted because as always - I knew best. A mother is the one person that every child needs most. And when it came down to me becoming a mother.. All I wanted was my mother.
Being a mother has helped me let go of any anger I have with people, and taught me to concentrate on only the positives.. Take James, for example.. He is a complete and utter twonk. But I have him to thank for my beautiful daughter. She wouldn't be who she is if it wasn't him who helped me make her.. She wouldn't be as gorgeous. He is the one who has given me this amazing, ongoing experience, to look forward to. I'm actually grateful that I got pregnant. It has taught me a lot, and has been the best thing to ever happen in my entire seventeen years and (almost) ten months of life.
Being a mother is a massive learning curve.. I've already learrnt so much. Not only how to make bottles up and the rules that come with them, or any little thing that most people already know, but I've learnt how to function on broken sleep. I've leant all the hardships that come with being a mum, how much emotion is involved in parenthood, and that there are times where you feel you can't go on - but there are much more times where you wouldn't change anything in the world. Being a mother may be extremely hard, I've learnt that, but it's definitely worth it.. And I've learnt that too. I learnt it very quickly.
Being a mother means my time isn't mine anymore. I spend any spare moment I get sterilising bottles, preparing baths, packing changing bags, tidying up, etc.. But I couldn't think of a better way to spend the time. It's making sure that my Princess has the best start in life, and it's putting her first. That's the best way to spend any free time, in my opinion :).
Being a mother is EXPENSIVE. With no income (I haven't started claiming anything yet), I've learnt just how hard it is to provide things for a baby - especially since I'm so young. A box of formula, which lasts between one and two weeks if I'm lucky, is around £7. A packet of two teets is around £5. Washing powder (believe me, this is a necessity for mothers!) is around £10. I use Fairy Non Bio, and the one I buy is enough for a good few washes.. I went through that, and two bottles of Comfort Pure, in about a week! Terrible! As for nappies and wipes, I'm not sure how much they cost as my mother has bought all my nappies and wipes for me so far since I haven't applied for benefits yet, and she bought in bulk anyway. But I'm sure even if they're on offer or something they're still going to cost a lot because nappies are something a mother needs a lot of for a very long time! I haven't had to worry about the cost of clothes, or stuff such as the pram, moses basket, crib, cot, etc.. Because I've been lucky enough to have had everything given to me for free, or bought for me from others.
Being a mother has only made me wish I could do more. I can only do my best for my darling daughter, and there's days where i feel she deserves so much more. But I wouldn't give her up for the world; she's my entire life, entire world... My everything. I honestly can't wait to have more! Which is something I never thought I'd say, as even ast the end of my pregnancy I was determined Lilia was my first and last! But I do miss being pregnant, ha ha!

My new mum resolution..

So rather than a new year resolution, I figured I'd create my own 'new mum resolution' since there's a while til new year :)
My resolution is to go on Wii Fit once every week day (weekends I'm usually out visiting people, etc) if I can. I just want to lose this baby fat now. I won't get rid of my stretch marks but I'm trying to make them fade. It's depressing that I don't have a bikini body in the summer, so I decided I'm going to get into shape ready for next summer (lol!), but hopefully I'll lose a bit before then.

My other resolution is to start wearing makeup if I see people or go out again. Obviously I won't be able to all the time because I do have a baby to take care of as well... But I want to start making an effort whenever I can again, because since my pregnancy I've gone really downhill and don't seem to care about my appearance any longer. NOT like the old me at all!

My third and final resolution is to not let others get me down, especially James. I took Lilia over his this weekend and it just didn't work out. I don't want to get into details because it's a bit personal, I'd only share with certain friends, but it wasn't a nice weekend. His whole family came over to see Lilia and they were just really mean. James didn't say anything and when I asked if he could stick up for me, he joined them and started insulting me. I ended up coming home early, and I'm never going up there again. His father actually smoked in the living room! Didn't open a window or anything and didn't go outside. The baby was about 5ft away from him, that's all! I was so disgusted. I took the baby and left the house and they were NOT happy with that. Well... Tough Sh** is what I say! Anyways.. If they want to see Lilia they can come to my parents house, where they're in charge and his family can't boss me around or spend the time insulting me or damaging the health of my baby. I know James is the dad and he has every right to see her.. But he doesn't bother. If it's not us going to him he won't make an effort at all. He doesn't realise that for me to come up to him it's not just the baby and myself that I have to take.. UGH. So yeah. This resolution is mainly based on him and his family. I don't want to feel like crap because of what other people say or do.. So I'm determined I'm not going to take things to heart anymore!

Surviving Lilia - week three.

I can't believe my little girl is nearly a month old.. Not so little now!
I keep listening to never grow up by Taylor Swift, and crying because now I really know the true meaning behind the song. Obviously everyone knows it's about a child growing up and a mother not wanting them too and blah blah.. But only now do I understand the full meaning behind the song.

Anyways. This week things have been a lot more routined and stuff. I've finally found a knack to doing things, and I manage to get a lot done when she's sleeping. I'm not so tired in the nights anymore, however she still does wake up twice and obviously once I've been woken up it's hard to not be tired.. But I manage.
Near the end of the week things went a little wrong. She's less settled when we go upstairs to bed, and she ended up sleeping in my bed with me for two nights..
Other than that, nothing much has changed. Apart from the way Lilia looks :)

Rant.

Please excuse this post. I just need somewhere to express my anger, before I express it on someones face. I'll try my best not to use nasty words, I like my blog to be clean.. But I am just sooo f***ing pissed!

So James. Remember him? That amazing guy I was so madly in love with, the perfect guy who loved me more than anything and couldn't wait to meet his daughter who he was going to be the best dad to? Yeah.. That James is non-existant. Dont get me wrong, he can still be a great guy when he wants to be.. It's just.. He doesn't want to be one at the moment. He hasn't seen Lilia in eight days (which is a long time, considering she's only nineteen days old) and it's really annoying me. Just before she was born, after we broke up, James made a huge fuss about how he wanted to see her every day. I said that was no problem and that he could come over my mother's house every day after work to visit her. He said he wanted her on weekends, but me being an over-protective mother said he could only have her over his on weekends provided I was there too. He didn't really take it personally and said fine, I could stay in the spare room (which was going to be Lilia's nursery) with her. So we made that agreement and for the first five days of her life, we stuck to it. James was over every day. When it came to the weekend, he didn't want to see her. Then he didn't see her all week because he was busy at work, until Thursday last week. Thursday he came over and gave me £20 to buy her milk, nappies, wipes, whatever I needed. He stayed for an hour, gave her a quick cuddle, then left. He hasn't seen her since. I've invited him over many times, but he's always said he's busy.
He told me he was busy earning money by doing DIY jobs for people in his street. I thought that was fair enough, because I need more money for the baby's milk and he knows this. I invited him to come round today but he said no. So I said that I need money for formula and asked him if I could have some of the money he'd earned. He said he was too busy to give it to me, so I offerec to bring the baby 'round to the bungalow to see him and I'd pick it up... Then the truth came out. He said he didn't want to give me any of his money because he worked too hard earning it, and he wanted to spend it on drink to reward himself for working so hard.. So he's choosing drink over his daughter. He better shape up soon or I won't be letting him see her at all.
It's just kinda worrying because he's already on the birth certificate. He could take her whenever he wanted and it would be allowed, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I'm nervous about that, but I doubt he'd actually do something like that.

F***ing b****** of a man!

My confession.

Having a child is definitely very very very difficult. Last night was the worst night yet - Lilia hadn't slept all day yesterday, so of course I hadn't had a chance to nap either, and she wouldn't settle in the night. She just would not go to sleep and I was so tired from not having a nap in the day. I was grring and cursing and I very nearly broke into tears. I was so tempted to just fob Lilia off to my mother so I could get some sleep. But then I looked at her, and I was calm again. I realised that yes, it was hard, but it was worth it. I didn't care if I would have no sleep at all, because my energy would be spent looking after my daughter and bonding with her, etc..
It is extremely difficult and I wouldn't suggest having a child as young as me to anyone, but it is definitely worth it and it's a blessing. Becoming a mother is the best thing that has happened to me ever, and though times are tough, I wouldn't change it.

Anyway.. My confession (along with the one about last night!) is that I didn't want to have kids until I was a lot older, and even then I wasn't sure if I would want any. I was a career minded girl, and children would get in the way. But now my little princess is here... I want another! She's not even 3 weeks old yet, and I really can't wait until I get pregnant again! It probably won't be for a while yet, and I don't think James wants another one for a looong time, but I just can't wait! I really really want more children. Never thought I'd say that, but I do. I can't wait.
My friend gave birth today, and I was jealous. Ha ha!

Choices, choices!

Which chair do you prefer? They're both very similarly designed, and both vibrate.. I can't decide which one I like best.. Help? :')

Lilia Jade ♥

On November 2nd 2010, my life changed forever. I found out that I was going to be a mother. This news was really hard for me to process; I was going to be in charge of a life - of raising a person in the right way.. I could no longer afford to make any mistakes. It wouldn't just be me who would suffer the consequences anymore.

I soon came 'round to the idea of a little life being inside me. I was growing an actual person in my tummy - someone who would one day be jsut as big as I am right now.. And that's the best feeling in the world. I felt like I had some kind of super power.

As my pregnancy went on, I watched my belly grow and grow. With each new centimetre my stomach stretched, another tonne of love poured from my heart for my child. It's weird how you can love someone so much when you've never even met them.

Finding out I was going to have a little girl made me so so happy. I had images of us being more like best friends than mother and daughter (kinda like Gilmore Girls, aha!)... And I'm determined that it's exactly what we'll be like.

I couldn't wait to meet this wonderful creation that my boyfriend and I had made. I had so many questions running through my mind - like 'what will she be like?' 'who will she look like?' etc..

Near the end of my pregnancy, I was growing more and more impatient. I couldn't wait to meet this wonderful stranger much longer. It was weird.. I'd been growing her inside of my body for so long, yet I knew nothing about her. With every kick I wished I could exchange it for a kiss or a cuddle off her.

Being in labour was the most exciting time for me. Just knowing that soon all the questions my mind had been asking will be answered made me so happy - I couldn't wait to meet my little girl and finall give her all the kisses and cuddles I'd waited 39 weeks and 2 days for.

When Lilia was first placed on my chest my eyes filled with tears. I kissed her straight away (and ended up with blood on my lips, ha ha!) and just stared at her little face. I couldn't believe that I had made such a beauty!

My baby girl is my entire world. I stay awake just to watch her sleep, even though I'm half dead from the sleep deprivation. She's my entire world, and honestly Ican't believe I ever survived without her! I've never known a love so strong.

I just don't want her to grow up. Although it's hard that she relies on me for everything, I know that it will be even harder as she begins to learn how to be independent and no longer needs me. I want to give her everything and anything that she ever wants, but I know I won't be able to. There's just so much I want to do in order to thank her for being in my life. She's given me the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I honestly don't deserve such a beautiful baby girl.

The proof pictures :}

I'm making the most of Lilia being asleep and blogging until she wakes up :)
I still have two more posts that I want to write after this, but whether I do or not is another thing.. I might just go for a nap instead, ha ha :)

Anyways, I took the proof pictures today - literally like an hour ago when I'd just put Lilia down :) Hope they're up to your standards.

Two weeks postpartum..

My stitches came out after exactly two weeks (well, the knot at the start of them did anyway. I'm not sure if the rest has already dissolved, but if it hasn't then its going to soon..). I went to the toilet and when I was wiping the knot was just there in the tissue. My stitches were white (I've been told they're usually blue) and thicker than what I thought they'd be. I've felt a bit of pulling lately, which must have been my stitches pulling my skin back and my tear healing, etc. But mainly everything is okay down there and slowly getting back to normal :) - well, as normal as can be anyway! I'm still bleeding, but nowhere near as much as I was. It's mainly just like a gunky kinda substance that I'm losing now. I have no idea what it's meant to be, but apparently it's normal ha ha!
My boobs still leak a little bit if I don't wear a bra or the baby cries, etc, but it's not much at all. It's actually less than it was when I was still pregnant! So my milk is still there a little bit, but it's basically gone - and the midwife said I probably wouldn't get it back now. :/
My belly is sagging and I have a lot of excess skin, but it's slowly going and it's gone down a hell of a lot since I gave birth! It's still there, but I'm almost back to what I was like before - just with more skin (and saggier) and lots and lots of stretch marks!
I have a really pale face and baggy eyes 24/7 as a result of being so tired. I look terrible, but I barely have time to shower now so obviously doing my hair and making myself look pretty is last on my list and never gets done. Well.. It's not that I don't have time to shower.. It's just that I'm always nervous when I leave her on her own to go in the shower (she's asleep in her moses basket or crib and completely safe) ... Stupid, I know!
I'm still wearing pads and breast pads (breast pads are just in case) and it's really uncomfortable. I have a really bad rash/sore spot on both of my legs from where the pad has been rubbing the insides due to me wearing them for so long. I can't wait to not have to wear them every day!
I get random aches/twinges in my back, bum, and sometimes my lady area (lack of a better word, aha!) but it's all normal and other than that I feel completely healthy physically :D

So I haven't really done too bad!

This is my two weeks and one day post partum belly;

Surviving Lilia - the second week!

This week has been much better than the first. Both Lilia and I seem to be more settled now, and we more or less have a routine going on. Lilia is wide awake and much more alert and nosy than a two week old should be! She's also trying to hold her head up all the time, and she can actually manage to hold it up for a good 10 seconds or even a bit more! It's crazy!
Sadly I haven't been able to get my milk supply back because when I pumped my nipples started to bleed, and it got too much for me. (Sorry if it's too much information, aha!) A midwife who was helping with Lilia's feeding problem said as long as I'm happy then it's okay that I haven't got milk anymore. She said Lilia is now 7lb 9 (or was when she last got weighed on Wednesday by my health visitor) which is nearly back up to her birth weight so she's doing really really well. She said I don't need to be worried at all, and they're discharging me on Friday :)
The health visitor made her first visit on Wednesday and said Lilia is looking really lovely. Lilia's notes said she was severely jaundice and she would have to be taken into hospital and put under a UV light if it didn't clear within a certain amount of time.. But it had completely cleared and the health visitor was really impressed! :) So I guess that was down to me bottle feeding her and making sure she had eaten enough.. Thanks Tommee Tippee;)
Lilia's changing already. It's hard to believe she's only two weeks old.. She looks completely different to what she did before! The spare time that I have I spend editing pictures of her (if I'm not napping) because I've decided I'm going to make a scrap book for her, full of pictures and stuff throughout her first year (maybe longer). And I want to buy her a charm bracelet for her first birthday, so that it's something sentimental. For each occasion then I will buy her a charm (possibly another present as well cos it'd be boring having a charm every year) to add to the bracelet. I just think it's a really great idea :)
Oh and my stitches have come out :) Well, the knot that is at the top came out today, exactly two weeks after I had them done (at Lilia's birth) so I suppose that's a good sign that everything is all healing well! :)

I've yet to provide the salutes that I have promised certain people. But as you can understand, it's very busy being a new mommy! I do promise I will do them though. Hopefully next week, but I'm not sure yet as my mother and James are back in work (both had time off because of the baby) and I'm left to look after Lilia and myself and the house completely on my own for the first time. I'm going to struggle with the washing of clothes and dishes, etc, but I'm not going to struggle with taking care of my girl. I'm used to that already now and its just kinda instinctive. I doubt I'll look after myself though tbh, haha. My mother had to basically force me to eat during the first week and a half!


More soon! I do try and get on whenever I can but obviously it's hard. Hence I'm just doing weekly updates. I hope that my blog will be more back to normal (still with the weekly updates) soon though!