Why am I such a f#ck up?!

My life is such a mess. He can't stand to be around me and I can't stand myself either. Funny how things change in the space of an hour. I've ruined everything, and there's no going back now. Nothing I can say or do will change anything this time. I've made my bed, now I must lie in it. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and move on. Concentrate on my babies, not the hurt in my heart. I wish the pain was as easy to wipe away as the tears are. What is love? And why does it hurt so freaking bad?! Why can't love be accepted as imperfect and forgiven when the imperfections take over? Why can't people concentrate on the good times and not the bad? Why did I have to be so stupid and ruin everything, just as they were starting to look up? I really do hate the way I am sometimes. I never think. Ever.

My babies are perfect.

Enough said.

Updates!

I know I only posted earlier but I am just doing a quick post before bed as Tyler had his three day check today and Lilia has made progress too!
So a midwife came for Tyler's three day check and was very pleased with him. He is a proper boy and fancies himself a bit of a strong one.. He holds his head up for ages. He is slightly jaundice but that is normal. He got weighed and he is 8lb 8oz, had a total of 4% weight loss, which is perfectly normal. As for my post-partum check, she is pleased with everything apart from one thing.. I am trying to breast feed again but Tyler is not bothered at all. He will latch, he just doesn't seem bothered and keeps latching and unlatching. My nipples got so sore I had to stop to give them time to heal and had to switch to formula. Last, one nipple was healed enough for me to cope with pumping for a short while, but the other was way too sore still. Explained to midwife today and she asked to have a look.. The boob which the nipple is healing well on has mastitus. She told me to go to the GP tomorrow and get antibiotics and in the mean time to try and feed Tyler off of it to keep my supply going and to help heal the infection. Since then though, the other boob has gone quite red too. Tyler won't feed off my boob, he really doesn't seem interested, but he wouldn't be able to feed off the sore one anyway so I think that has got mastitus too, though I won't be able to know for sure until tomorrow when I visit the GP. Sucks.

And Lilia's exciting update.. SHE TOOK HER FIRST FEW STEPS TODAY! She has taken one and then fallen to her knee twice before, then she took three earlier this morning.. Then she took five! I cried. Later on this evening then she took seven! I'm such a proud mummy. My kids are so amazing.

Labour and Delivery:-

On Thursday, 20th September at around 1am I had a shower and went to bed as normal (just a bit later). Tyler was being very wriggly and I was in a bit of pain from him but thought nothing of it as I was usually in pain when he moved around anyway.. At 1:30am I had this intense feeling in my stomach from what I thought was him pressing down on my bladder.. It was when it happened again and rendered my breathless that I realised it was more than that. At 2am I phoned my mother to come and pick up Lilia and to bring me some Paracetamol for the pain. She got Lilia at half 2 and left me to drop Lilia off with my nan (she was going to come back to take me into hospital after I'd had a bath). I phoned James at around the same time telling him I was in labour and asking him to come down, I told him that judging by the pain (which was completely different to when I had Lilia!) I wasn't going to be in labour for very long and would probably already be in hospital by the time he got to my house, but asked him to phone me when he was close to be sure.. Oh, how right I was!
I ran myself a bath and kept the shower head going on my bump to try and calm the pain, but it didn't work. The pain was so bad that I couldn't move when I had a contraction, and I was VERY vocal. I started having a feeling that I remember having from Lilia - the baby coming down the birth canal. I knew it wouldn't be long and Tyler would be crowning. I ended up in tears because I thought I was going to end up giving birth to Tyler alone and in my bath tub. I was crying out for my mother.
My mum arrived at about 2:50 and James arrived around 3am. My mother phoned the hospital to tell them that we were going to be going in shortly and to expect us, but I told her we weren't going to make it. Tyler was coming soon. So they said they'd send an ambulance out to us and also a midwife. Well, neither arrived in time for Tyler's head to come out. I remember telling my mother that Tyler was coming and she kept telling me no he's not.. She then looked in between my legs and went "oh shit".  I said "It's him isn't it, he's coming". My mother had to deliver the head, and his cord was wrapped around his neck and his face was blue. My mother unwrapped the cord and we waited for another contraction.. The paramedics arrived before Tyler's body was delivered, but they didn't really help to be honest. My mother said "do you want to take over because I have no idea what I'm doing" .. and they just stood back and watched as his body started to come out. So my mother had to lean over the bath tub and deliver the rest of him. The midwife came just minutes after he was born. They got me out of the bath and onto the bed for the rest of it (placenta delivery, etc).
So all in all, my labour was 1 hour and 45minutes and Tyler was born at home, delivered by his Grandmother. We were all very shocked and at one point I thought James was going to faint! I had no pain relief (not by choice, I kept saying I needed gas and air but of course no one was there to give it!) up until it came to delivering the placenta. I had a second degree tear and needed stitches both internally and externally, had my gas and air for that. James and my mother both said I was calmer giving birth with no pain relief than I was having stitches with it!
I can laugh about Tyler's delivery now, and James calls him 'bath boy', but at the time it was such a shock and took us all a while to recover.. My mother still cries when asked about it, she was so scared. We all were, but she had to pretend she wasn't for my sake.

Introducing baby Tyler!

Baby Tyler.

Born on Thursday, 20th September.

At 3:15am.

Weighing 8lb 13oz!

My fingers are wriggling over the keyboard :/

So tonight I am in the mood to write.. But I don't know what about. I have so much going on in my personal life right now, and my fingers are itching to start typing about it, but it isn't something I want to put for the public eye. I need to get it out so I am tempted to write a post anyway and save it as a draft, but I wanted to actually publish something to my blog because it's gone so boring lately..
So I am sat here with my fingers hovering over the keyboard of my laptop as I watch Holby City, waiting for some inspiration.. I have nothing. I have got one hell of a sweet tooth tonight, so I ordered two slices of cheese cake, a tub of ice cream, and a bottle of Tango from Pizza Hut for delivery (the Tango to make up the amount needed for delivery). I wanted to go to the shop and get a massive bar of chocolate, but Lilia's in bed so I couldn't leave the house.. And I was NOT ignoring the call of my craving! Ha ha ha.
So I'm currently tucking into my first slice of cheesecake, hoping that I will find something to write about.. But I don't think I will. So I'm going to give up and go and enjoy my desserts instead. Ha ha.

Just letting you all know that I am still here, still very much pregnant. Four days over, and it is looking very likely that I will still be pregnant Friday. So that means I will be having a sweep.. Unless anything happens before then, or I find something interesting to write about, my next post will probably be telling you all about my sweep. :)

Hi!

Just letting you all know that I am still here.. With no baby. Three days overdue so far, and it's looking more and more likely that I am going to have a sweep. Fingers crossed I go before Friday!
Anyways I'm just letting you know that nothing exciting has happened yet in case you all got thinking it had, I'm just being really quiet on Blogger lately. Haven't got anything to write about to be honest!

40 weeks - I have hit my due date!

So today is my due date. I have reached it - something I didn't do with Lilia. It has brought me a mixture of feelings to be honest.. I am happy that I hit my due date as I hadn't done that before. We all thought that this little man was going to be early, but I had so much to do it has been kind of a relief that he didn't want to come yet. I am nervous, I don't want to go too far over my due date as I am not really wanting to have a sweep and I definitely do NOT want to be induced - I have heard some good stories of sweeps but whenever someone has been induced all I have heard is horror stories, apparently labour is worse when induced.. I am excited as I know the time is coming where I get to finally meet my beautiful baby. I think that it'll be twice as sweet meeting him now since he is making us wait a little longer than expected. I am also wondering if people were wrong about my due date. As I said when I first explained that I was pregnant - the first time we had unprotected sex led to the due date of the 28th. I was so confused when they gave me a due date earlier than that, and then even earlier again. Maybe they were just a little off and I was closer to my due date than them.. Who knows. I have been counting down the last weeks of my pregnancy, as I have been getting further along I have been getting more and more annoyed that he is not here yet. But I guess I should be grateful. I had all the time I needed to prepare for his arrival, plenty of time to appreciate Lilia as an only child, and enough time to prepare myself for this massive change that is happening.

As I have hit my due date I have started getting a little nervous. With every twinge I used to get excited and think "is this it?!" But it never was. So I decided I wouldn't get too excited anymore, and I would know when it was show time so there is no need for me to get excited over little tummy rumblings or even gas - which I have done so many times with this pregnancy, ha ha! I thought this would be hard for me, but it has actually been pretty easy.. Because instead I am getting nervous. I am wondering how I am going to cope, wondering how different this labour is going to be to Lilia's because I was SO lucky with Lilia's. I need to calm myself down because I know that when it comes down to it, staying calm is the best possible thing to do. I am dying to see my little man, don't get me wrong.. But every time I think something might happen (I am struggling to stop myself from thinking it with every little stir my body does!) I start getting nervous and thinking 'what do I do now!?' It's really frustrating, ha ha. I am training myself to ignore my head and listen to my body though - it is working so far! I haven't thought I was going into labour once today, yay! Ha ha ha.

Anyways; my symptoms are pretty much the same as always. My heartburn kind of went - or rather I didn't notice it - for a while but now it is back with full force. A few nights ago it was waking me up every hour or so because it was so bad. And I am supposed to be trying to avoid milk as much as possible as it prevents absorption. It is really hard to do so with heart burn from hell! New symptoms of this week though, I have been having period pains. I thought it was a sign that I was going to go into labour soon but nothing came of it. Shame. My stomach moves in and out so much more than it has before - sometimes he will sink right in and make my belly look soo small. The other day he actually sank in soo much my belly was completely soft and it felt like I had just had him and it was just baby weight! When I sit down sometimes my bump almost completely disappears. Since yesterday my legs have been aching so much. Especially down the insides of them. Now, me being me, I took this as a sign too. My lady area is feeling heavier so I put two and two together and got six. I thought I was going to go into labour either yesterday or today. I didn't. My legs still ache a little but it was probably from all the walking I done yesterday. My lady bits feeling heavy though.. I think this is just because he is engaged? That is what I was told to look out for before he was engaged anyway. Though I have had a horrible feeling up until last night that he had disengaged! I am feeling okay about it now though, I think he is okay - why else would I feel all heavy and the pressure on my bits, right?! :D

One day until my due date...

And this countdown is getting boring now. It doesn't look like Tyler is going to be here any time soon, he is quite comfy where he is. I have a 40 week update to do tomorrow and then that's my countdown finished! I was originally going to post every day I was overdue too, but there is no point. They are boring posts and I'm pretty sure you can all count for yourselves! So after tomorrow I will probably update you next when I am in labour or when I am going to have a sweep (booked for 21st) :D!

Anyways, this is not baby related but in regards to my soppy post last night.. I took Lilia out all day and really wanted to spoil her. We had a lovely day out, but when it came down to the shopping part of spoiling her there were no decent toys that were reasonably priced for her. There were loads of lovely dollies there and one that came with a bath which I really wanted to get her, but she has a doll as her present off Tyler so I didn't want her to be getting the same thing all the time. She came out with two rubbish toys that barely came to a fiver together. She likes them, and they didn't cost much, so I can't complain really.. I just wanted something nicer for her. I looked at some clothes too, and there were some lovely ones, but I decided that Lilia wouldn't really appreciate clothes and Christmas is coming up anyway so I can just buy them for her then. I saw quite a few Christmas ideas actually, I was going to start building up her presents now as most people I know have already started, but I decided not to because honestly I have nowhere to keep them and I want to keep as much money as possible in case I need anything when Tyler is here, etc. I am also still paying off the new sofas that I had about a month ago. Actually only today did I make the first payment.. Luckily it's only to family!
Lilia is having a nap right now, and when she wakes up I am taking her up my mothers to be showered with even more attention, as usual, ha ha. There is a lovely little park behind my mums which I am sure Lilia will be excited to go to! Plus that means I don't get to cook tea then :P Ha ha!

Rockstar Ronan.

Did any of you hear about Taylor Swift writing and performing a song for a little boy who died of cancer, aged just four years old? If you haven't, listen to the song. It is beautiful. I only heard about it today because I randomly came across an article on Daily Mail saying how she had recovered from her tearful performance.. So I read it and then heard about the blog that this little Angel's mother had wrote (and is still writing) while facing this struggle. I typed the name of the blog into Google and found it straight away. I read so many posts, and when it came to the post she had written telling everyone that Ronan had passed away.. I just lost it. I was already pretty emotional reading about him being diagnosed; I got pretty bad reading about his treatment, couldn't stop crying silently to myself when I read about him getting worse.. But then I read about him passing away. Oh my God, I just burst. I have been sat on my bed blubbing to myself like an idiot for an hour. How cruel life can be!
It has really made me think about life, and how much I have been taking for granted. It made me think about all the minutes I spend apart from Lilia, all the times I have let her play by herself at the other end of the room while I did my own thing.. I can't believe I ever took those moments for granted. After reading Maya's blog I got up and went into Lilia's bedroom. I tucked her in and kissed my hand and placed it on her beautiful cheek (I can't reach her in her cot because my belly is in the way and her cot is on lowest setting, lol). She woke up for a minute and I put her mobile on and gently stroked her hair until she fell back asleep. There I found myself crying again. I didn't want to leave her side. I wanted to sit next to her cot and watch her all night, or better yet I wanted to grab her out of her cot and cuddle her in my bed. Even writing this my eyes are filling with tears and my arms are longing to hold Lilia.
You never know what's around the corner, so you should make the most of everything. Even the little moments. IE; while bathing your child, take a moment to memorise every inch of their body. Every freckle, every mark, every dimple.. While your child pushes you away because they don't want cuddles or kisses, smile at them and sweetly tell them you love them as you watch them be independent. Join in when your child is playing with their toys. Read a story to your child, and then another.. Cuddle and kiss your child whenever they let you, remind them that they are your reason for living. Never let them forget. Simple moments like meal times, talk to them, make stupid noises as you feed them.. Make the most of everything. Because you really do never know what might happen. Maya had her entire world taken away from her, and I can't even begin to imagine what that is like. I would die if I lost Lilia or Tyler. She is so incredibly strong, and I really admire her. I don't know if I'd ever be able to do it.
So now here I am, 12:15am, sitting on my bed wide awake thinking of all the times I have taken my precious daughter for granted. Thinking of all the things I should do with her, if there was ever enough time in the world. I can't give her a lot of material things because I am not the wealthiest of people. But I can definitely give her something priceless. I can give her my heart. It was already my goal to shower my Princess with love each and every day, but now hearing about Ronan has encouraged me to do more with her than I have before. I want to shower her with hugs and kisses and attention. I know it will be hard when Tyler is here, but I will get by. I won't let her forget how beautiful she is. Ever.
I can't sleep now. I have found myself wide awake and my mind is working over time. I am desperate to go and sit in Lilia's room and watch her sleep. But I know if I do I'll either end up disturbing her or staying awake all night and being like a zombie in the morning or falling asleep on the floor and having an achey everything and then struggling for the rest of the day. I just want to make every moment count. I guess the healthy way to do that is not staying up all night watching Lilia, or possibly disturbing her, it is to get a good nights rest ready for the morning.. To go into her room with a big smile when she wakes up and give her kisses and cuddles and tell her I love her. To play with her little fingers and toes as I dress her and to sing to her as I change her bum. The weather forecast is rubbish tomorrow, but I need to get milk anyway so we will make the most of that walk - even if it does mean I get soaking wet! Play with her, make aeroplane noises as I feed her. Tell her I love her every other minute. Kiss her and cuddle her at every given opportunity.. Read with her. Oh God, I am getting all emotional yet again. Your love for your children really is overwhelming. You don't know love like this until you have children of your own. It is at the same time both a blessing and a curse. They are the most amazing things to ever happen to you, but they add so much stress to your life. When Lilia was born I was too afraid to sleep and would wake up to make sure she was still breathing.. I still do this now. I sneak into her room to check. If she is sleeping and I think she is too quiet I have a panic attack. Lol. That's just motherhood for you.

Anyways, I am going to go and tuck my baby in one last time! (I know, I shouldn't, but I have to!) Then it is sleepy time for me so that tomorrow will come quicker. Can't wait to spend it with my gorgeous little Angel. If you want to read the blog about Ronan, type 'Rockstar Ronan' into your search bar. It should be one of the top results.

G'night readers. G'night my gorgeous children. G'night Maya and family. G'night and sleep tight little Ronan.
Love you to the moon and back.

Two Days..

I know that I should be enjoying the last few days (maybe weeks) of my pregnancy, but I am not. I should be making the most of it being just me and Lilia, and I feel bad that I am not doing so, but I just want to meet Tyler now. I want to be able to cuddle my little man and to look after him on the outside. I do wish I could do more things with Lilia while it is just us but it is so hard for me to be myself now that I am so heavily pregnant. It is getting hard for me now, so I hope he comes soon.
That being said, I do believe that he will come when he is ready. And if he hasn't come yet then that means he isn't ready to be outside the womb yet.. I don't know how long it'll take for him to be ready, but I don't want to go over the 20th. If it comes to my due date and I have had no symptoms whatsoever, I have decided to start 'willing him on'. I won't do much, just long walks, bouncing, running up and down the stairs, etc. Nothing too major but I will try a couple different things:}

Three days..

Well, technically it is almost two days until my due date since it is nearly midnight. I am not liking how close it is getting to my due date. I really don't want to go into labour passed the 20th. But to be honest, right now ti looks like Tyler is staying put. It feels like I am going to be pregnant forever. Ugh!

Four days and counting..

I had already had Lilia by now. Please hurry up Tyler, Mummy is getting very impatient now, I just want to meet you already!

Why does love hurt?

Why do we fall in love? When the love is returned and it is never taken for granted it can be the most amazing thing in the world. But when something goes wrong, you are left feeling completely broken. I'm really struggling with my break up lately. I find myself looking at old pictures of us and remembering all the good times we have had together. How in love we were. He was my entire world - along with Lilia, of course - and I would have done anything for him. He made me so happy, I belonged in his arms and there was no place I would rather have been. He is still my world, in a way. I still have all the feelings for him that I had back when we first got together, I guess that's why I'm struggling so much. When things remind me of him I get so upset and end up re-living all of our amazing memories. It breaks my heart knowing that we took advantage of this amazing love we had between us. That we used and abused it so much that it ended in heart break. He has given me the best gifts anyone could ever give me - my beautiful babies - and no one can take that from him. He is my one and only first love, and always will be. Nothing and no one can replace him or what he is to me. He is my first love, the father to my children, the one who made me a better person, the one who helped me through a lot, the one who showed me a lot and taught me a lot more than anyone else ever could/can. I don't know where I would be if James and I didn't get together. I will always have feelings for him, and it's sad that they can't be put to use. Every day I long to be in his arms, to kiss his lips, to tell him I love him. When we talk about Lilia or Tyler I find myself aching to tell him I love him; to beg for him back, tell him I miss him, etc.. But I don't. I don't want to complicate things any more than they already are. I have no idea what is happening with us so I assume he doesn't either. We need to have a serious talk about it, but it's plucking up the courage to start that talk.. It's too painful to talk about how much I love him when we are not together. How I miss him and I cuddle his pillow and his side of the bed now that it's empty.. It's so embarrassing, because everyone tells me I shouldn't love him and I am better without him. But still I want him. I don't know why - if I could not love him I would. But I can't. I am drawn to him. He is like my drug, even though we are complete opposites. Like the saying in Twilight goes "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb". In this case it's the lamb loving the lion, but same concept.. Hmmm. Sorry, this is a pretty pointless post to most and some of you will probably find me pathetic. I just needed to get things off my chest. I've had an emotional day, I've pretty much been crying all night for various reasons.. The main one being me missing James. Love hurts. Nothing will change that whether you are with the one you love or not. Sadly. It's just the way it is.

Hospital bag;

Okay, so in a previous post I wrote how I'd finally be able to finish my hospital bag today as I ordered energy drinks with my food shop. How much of a relief would it have been if I didn't mess things up! Stupid baby brain, I forgot to checkout and so the shopping didn't come today. The earliest slot I got is between 8am and 10am tomorrow. I hope they don't come at 8 because that would be either when we are getting up or when we are getting dressed.. I can leave Lilia in her jammies but I don't think the poor delivery driver would appreciate seeing me in my pjs with no bra on!
On the bright side though, Lilia's present off Tyler arrived today (I only ordered it yesterday!). The bad thing is I've kept it in the box it was delivered in as I want her to kind of 'unwrap' it and am too cheap for wrapping paper when it's in a box, ha ha. I am DYING to look at it though!

39 weeks!

Just seven days until my due date. I honestly cannot believe it! It has gone soo fast! Nothing much to update everyone on to be honest.. He is moving less than he has been now, but I assume that's because there is hardly any room in there for the little guy and also they tend to stop moving as much now anyway, I think.. My nipples are so sore, sorry for the TMI, it feels like he is already here and has already been suckling on them. If they're sore before he's even out imagine the pain I am going to be in when he is out and feeding! My bump has dropped silghtly, but if you read my update yesterday that is because he is almost fully engaged! I am still getting incredibly horrible heartburn, which sucks because I am supposed to be avoiding milk or heartburn remedies as much as possible. My hip sometimes still gets bad, and it gave in the other day when I was on top of the stairs holding Lilia! So that was very frightening, but luckily I managed to catch myself. I am dying to meet my little boy, but I don't mind him staying in there a little longer if he wants to - I just don't want to go over due to the 21st, because that is when I will be having a sweep and to be honest they don't sound too pleasant! My hospital bag will finally be complete and I will be able to zip it up tonight! I am just waiting on my shopping to be delivered because I've ordered energy drinks from there to power me through labour ha ha. Everything is coming together nicely now. It was very hard work but it was definitely worth it! This may be my last weekly update, who knows!

Antenatal clinic;

So I had antenatal this evening and things went really really well. I couldn't be happier. Well I could if I didn't need more bloods, but still.. I got measured and I am measuring 2cms behind, as I always have, and she then checked Tyler's position. When she was doing this she looked like she was concentrating really hard, and asked if I've had any signs of labour.. I said no, not really. I had period pains last night and thought it might be the start of something but nothing since.. She looked a bit shocked when I said this, but she didn't say anything. She just wrote in my notes. We listened to Tyler's heartbeat and he was really low down, it took her a minute to find it because of how low he was. Everything was perfectly normal. She asked if I had any questions and I asked her about any more bloods I may have to have taken.. She said not today, as the tablets haven't been being taken long enough to actually start working yet, but I might need to have a blood count done when I go into hospital in labour. That was that and she told me that I won't have another appointment unless I go over up to the 21st, and then I will be having a sweep at home. She told me if I feel ill or anything because of my anaemia to phone them up straight away and they will need to come and take some more blood from me.
Anyways, after antenatal I read my maternity notes, I usually ask her what she's writing as she's doing it but I didn't today because I could see she was writing in more detail than usual.. TYLER IS 4/5THS ENGAGED! She wrote that I've had no signs of labour, so I guess the period pains didn't count. But I couldn't believe it! No wonder he was so low when taking his heartbeat! SOO exciting, hopefully this means that he won't be long!
Bump and how I am feeling and all that boring crap, etc, will be up tomorrow when I am THIRTY NINE WEEKS! Can you believe it!? :O

EIGHT DAYS LEFT!

I will do my pregnancy update tomorrow, this is just a short post because I am in disbelief.. Eight days left. Eight. That's just over a week. Tomorrow it will be ONE WEEK until my due date.. I mean seriously, how fast has this pregnancy gone!? Is it just me when I say this pregnancy has flown by? To me it has definitely gone faster than my pregnancy with Lilia did. But I don't know if it's just a personal thing because I have been so occupied with Lilia throughout this pregnancy or what? A woman on Baby Centre said how it annoyed her that someone said her pregnancy has gone by really fast because to her it has really dragged on.. She was due a few days before me.. I felt bad for thinking mine had flown, ha ha! Weird how time goes by differently for different people, huh!

I can't believe it..

Lilia was my precious little baby, with tiny little hands that just about wrapped around my finger. She was soft to the touch, and so innocent and new..

Now she is this (almost) walking, (kind of) talking, little girl. She is still tiny to me, but looking back on photos of when she was younger it's hard to believe she was ever any smaller.

Isn't it completely mad how they grow so big so fast? How we are the people who raised them, grew them, nurtured them.. I can't believe this beautiful little lady toddling around with her own personality used to be a minuscule little egg, small enough to fit into my ovaries.. Microscopic. It is a complete marvel. And yes, I am having a soppy moment ha ha. I love my Princess.

Insert loud sighing noise here..

I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to put down. Things I need to get out and say (well, write) before I explode. The only problem is, I don't really know where to begin. It will all be too complicated for you lovely readers to understand because I haven't explained anything of these situations, etc, to you, but I just need to start somewhere and get what I am feeling off my chest.
The only problem is... I don't know how I'm feeling. And I don't know if what I do happen to be feeling is right.

AAARRRGGGHHHH dgdfndfnhiodfgdngnklnjnfkjnhfkjgnkjdfxnhdxnhkldfxnh jdfn hndfhjnf.