MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas to you all!
Here are a few photos of my beautiful daughter celebrating her first Christmas.

Busy, busy, busy!

Don't expect updates often from me in a while, Lilia and I are so busy settling into our new life. I will explain more when I have time (or am down my mums, where there's internet)!
Nothing is really happening with Lilia anyway, she hasn't rolled over yet. She seems stuck. But she is trying loads of new flavours :)

I love my little girl so much, and can't wait to update you all when I have a good update to do!

They are ALL the same!

So I didn't blog about this, and now I'm really glad I didn't.
I met an amazing man called Evan. He's in his twenties so there's a bit of an age gap between us, but that's the way I like it because I'm more mature than most eighteen year olds. So anyway things were really great with him, he was so amazing and we hit it off immediately. We'd go out and just talk for hours while James wanted to spend time with Lilia.
I really liked him and I could see us going places. We had a really romantic evening and I was looking forward to being his girlfriend and introducing him to Lilia after a couple of weeks.. But then I went on his Facebook. I realised that he was doing the same as he was with me to about three-five other girls. How did I know? They were all writing on his wall and thanking him for a wonderful evening, etc.
I feel like such an idiot for letting myself fall for him so quick. No one will ever replace James, but we're never getting back together. I saw Evan as my opportunity to move on. But obviously it wasn't meant to be.
He had no intention on being with me. He was just using me. Why do guys think that if they talk sweet to a girl and not rush into bed with them, they'll be smitten and then they can wrap us around their little fingers?! Because it's true. That's why.

SIGHHH...

Children in Need.

So, as you might have guessed from my last post, I support children in need. I am watching it and literally crying my eyes out. I honestly think I'm going to run out of tears before long if I don't drink a glass of water or something! I'd die if anything like any of the stories from children in need would happen to my gorgeous little Lilia. Or even any of my future children - if I have any.
Anyways, I've heard rumours that Terry Wogan insists that people pay him to present children in need? Does anyone know if this is actually true? Because if it is I am truely disgusted. Another point I'd like to raise is.. Does the money actually go to all these charities it claims to then? Like, all of it. Because a charity they were meant to send a donation to last year didn't receive much apparently. So I'm wondering if they don't donate much to each charity.. WHERE DOES IT GO? Hmm.
 Quite a sensitive topic but I was just curious.

Lilia supports Children In Need...

Do you?

Lilia's new development.

Lilia just seemed to start doing/trying to do things out of nowhere! She is such a clever girl now and she really is developing well.
She is very very nearly rolling over! When I was going to update you guys on November 4th, she could get onto her side and she'd attempt to push herself over but it wouldn't work. Now she is pushing herself over and almost completely on her tummy! She just gets her arm trapped, once she figures out how to move it she'll be rolling! So exciting yet so scary at the same time.
Lilia has found her hands and she is now trying to grab things which catch her eye. She likes to hold her hands up and inspect them, learning that it's she who controls them :) She is also learning hand eye co-ordination, and is starting to grab things. She likes to grab 'Birdie', the bird on her bouncer, and pretty much anything else you hold in front of her. Sometimes she gets it straight away and sometimes it takes her a while, but she still manages it! She also has a habit of pulling her dummy out of her mouth and holding it to chew a different side (teething a little, we think), the monkey!
She has also found her toes and whenever I lay her flat on her back somewhere, ie changing mat, she lifts her legs up and grabs her feet to play with them. Cutest thing ever. She gets annoyed at me when I take them out of her hands to do her bum or kiss her toes, ha ha, but they're my toes too! I made them! :P
I also put Lilia in front of a long mirror I have in my room the other day, she loved looking at herself and giggled for ages. So she definitely likes mirrors!

Flavours!

So Lilia started on flavours earlier than I wanted her to. She would make herself sick when eating baby rice because it's so bland. So I thought I'd better give her some flavours so that she actually keeps some of the food down. She's only had fruity porridge (orange, apple and banana in one), banana porridge, and rusk, but it's still flavour! She'll be having puréed vegetables before long! Probably starting next week I'll be building up the amount in her feeds and starting her on more flavours.
Today she started having three feeds a day - breakfast, lunch, dinner. For breakfast she has banana porridge, lunch she has fruity porridge, and dinner she has half a rusk. (I put two heaped spoonfuls of powder when making the porridge up.) She's only having porridge twice because that's all I have her at the minute, but either tomorrow or some time near the end of this week/beginning of next week I'll be cooking vegetables and blending them with a bit of baby rice for her :)
Anyway the reason it took me so long to write this post is because I wanted to upload my photos before writing so that I could include a photo of Lilia having flavours. The photo was taking like the day she started having porridge so it's a week old, but it's cute :) So here that photo is ..

Can you tell she liked it? (:

Updates..

I have a few posts I want to write on my blog, I just haven't had a chance yet. I'm busy all weekend so I'll have to do them Monday or whenever I upload the pictures from my camera to my laptop. So I'm just doing a list of what I want to post as a reminder to myself-

Flavours
Two feeds.
Lilia's new development - very nearly rolling over, found her hands, found toes, likes to try and grab birdie.

Obviously I will add more details later, I'm just in the middle of tidying right now and have a very busy schedule! haha.

First time having solids.

Lilia had her first ever solids today, at 11.10am. She didn't know what to make of it at first, but after a few spoons she decided she didn't like it. She loves infacol so I think she really loves flavour (it's orange flavoured), but rice isn't flavoured. So I think that's why she didn't like it, but then again it may just be because it's a new texture, etc.
She as willing to learn to eat, etc, but towards the end she got really tired and just whinged until I gave her her bottle for her to go to sleep. She did finish the pot though, not that there was much in there.
She's going to have solids for lunch this weak, lunch and tea the week after, then breakfast lunch and tea the week after that. Once she's used to having 3 feeds, I'll add flavours and build up the amounts as I am going along.
Photos below. Of course I have so much more - I just don't feel the need to post them all over my blog :)

Half way there!

So as I briefly mentioned in a previous post, Lilia is almost rolling over. She gets onto her side, flings one leg over, but doesn't put enough force behind her kick in order to completely roll over onto her stomach. So she isn't quite there, but she is nearly there! On another note (a random one) Lilia turned twenty weeks yesterday! I can't believe it. That's five months - nearly half a year! I'm losing count, whenever people ask me how old she is I have to stop and think, it's just going way too fast! I always want to say "ten weeks" or "thirteen weeks" or "six weeks" etc, but I never think of saying twenty! Because it really doesn't feel like she has been here for that long.
Anyway here are some pictures, as promised, of my little girl almost rolling over!

(I know this is nothing to do with her rolling over, I just think it's SO cute!)

Having a routine.

Lilia is starting solids tomorrow (I wanted to wait until six months but she is five months and I feel she is really ready - my health visitor agrees) so I want to get into a routine to keep her in. Not only for that but because she is in her own cot as well (she is doing REALLY well guys - stayed down from 11-12ish until 8ish!).
So I have decided that our routine is going to completely change, which will be hard at first but totally worth it.
WHAT WE DID BEFORE - Lilia would wake up in the morning at varying times - 6ish-8ish usually. I'd give her her feed and then get her back to sleep. We'd then wake up around 11ish. We'd get up and play a little before she has her afternoon nap around 1-2ish. She'd then stay awake from 3-4 until around 6ish, where she'd have a bath before or after. She'd go to sleep in the night whenever she wanted - because we stayed in bed so late in the mornings, I wasn't tired in the nights so I usually stayed up 'til like 1am. Then the routine would start over. She was sharing my bed with me when we were in this horrible routine. Don't judge me from this routine - I am young and I am learning. Now we are in a much better one so please, no hurtful comments on my parenting.
WHAT WE DO NOW - Lilia still wakes up 6ish-8ish, and depending on whether she had a feed 4+ hours ago or not, I will feed her (usually she wakes up for her last feed around 10,11ish). We then get up completely and go downstairs. She goes in her bouncer for me to have my breakfast (I usually put cartoons on to entertain her while I eat as she hates being ignored or bored) and when I'm done we play. Usually 1-2 hours later she will get tired again because she is used to going straight back to sleep, plus she is still only little. So I put her up in her cot for a nap and have a shower, get dressed, wash and sterilise bottles (if I have time!) etc, before she wakes up. This nap usually doesn't last very long, around 1-2 hours, 2 hours at the very most.  After her nap we chill out for a while; Lilia stays in her chair and I will either go on my laptop or do some chores or something. Then we play and I put her down for tummy time for her to learn to roll over (she is NEARLY there - she gets onto her side, but can't get further.. I have photos to upload for a whole separate post of rolling), I sit near her and talk to her/encourage her, etc. She will then get fed; for her next feed I will now be giving her baby rice. I just feel that this feed (being around 12-1ish probably) is a good time to start her on solids. We will both be not as tired as we would in the morning or night, and I will definitely be more patient with her as she learns. She usually likes to have a nap after her bottle feeds around this time, so she'll probably have a nap in her cot after her rice feed too. After her nap we play until it is time to feed her. I feed her and try to keep her awake until her feed after that. In between those two feeds I bath her. Her last feed downstairs is usually around 9ish, then I put her up in her cot. She stays there then until the morning. She does sometimes wake up for her next feed, but not all the time. If she does, I will give it to her - along with a cuddle - then get her back to sleep.
I love this routine and think it will work wonders in teaching her how things go as she gets older!

So yeah, this post makes it known, but I'll say it anyway.. LILIA IS STARTING ON THE BABY RICE TOMORROW!! I'm SO excited. It's just a major milestone, it signifies how much she's growing up and I just can't believe it! I will be taking lots and lots of photos :) I can't wait! I had my heart set on waiting until she was six months - I felt like I HAD to do it because that's what is said to be best since I didn't breast feed for very long - but she was ready earlier. She's having 7oz of milk and it fills her for a little while, but she doesn't wait four hours to have her next feed. I tried giving her 8oz, but she just leaves the extra ounce anyway, so I think she's definitely ready. Oh well, she may not be the 'best' age, but she's only a month out and I think starting now would be better for Lilia as a person anyway, not as the majority :D

Probably post tomorrow about rolling over and solids! Photos will be included.

I need to rant!

- History which will explain a few things -

James has a brother, Daniel, who slept with a, what only can be described as, psycho's boyfriend. He caused a lot of trouble for James, and came knocking on James' mother's house and threatening her, etc. He got sent to court and he has been charged with 11 things. I'm not going to get into everything that happened, but Daniel now lives in hiding from this guy with his now ex girlfriend. Daniel and the girl are now engaged.

Daniel and James argued over the psycho threatening James' mum and he beat James up. I shouted at Daniel, telling him he as stupid - James was only sticking up for his mother, which he shouldn't have done because it was DANIEL'S mess to begin with! Anyway James' sister Coral and I ended up arguing because I shouldn't have got involved. I thought that was a fair point so I apologised to James and Coral for getting involved, and causing any more trouble (I didn't, but I apologised anyway) and I apologised to Daniel for ever having a go at him. I told him I was wrong and he was really short and rude with me after I apologised. In my opinion I shouldn't have apologised in the first place! Not to him anyway. What he did was truly sick and wrong and I do NOT agree with it at all! But I sucked in my pride and apologised, to get a measly 'ok' back from him and he didn't even apologise to James.
This was way back before I was pregnant, and he hasn't spoken to me since. James is also waiting for an apology. Which we know will never come.
I went down to see Daniel and his girlfriend so they could meet Lilia, and I've spoken to his girlfriend once since. This was when Lilia was like three months old. Dan said hello to me and wasn't really rude, but he wasn't exactly friendly either.

Anyway.. My rant. - James was texting his brother about Lilia and they were both speaking better than they have spoken in months, if not years. He mentioned that Dan should see Lilia again and Daniel agreed. He then texted a second after agreeing saying "but try not to bring Isabella if you can, you know what I think of her". Well. James was absolutely FUMING. He phoned Daniel and screamed down the phone to him - he said that at the end of the day I'm the mother of his daughter and the mother of Dan's niece. They are now not speaking (this only happened this morning) and it's apparently James' fault. James' mother said she doesn't want to get involved and she has said that James shouldn't have argued, he should have just agreed.
I don't really care what Daniel thinks of me to be honest, that's not was pissed me off. It was the fact that only James stuck up for me.. Then HE got made out to be the bad guy! Lilia does not go ANYWHERE without my permission. And if I don't like where she's going but I feel she should go (ie to visit family) then I go with her. Daniel smokes dope and him and his girlfriend's family all smoke in the house with no windows or doors open. I would HAVE to go down there with Lilia to make sure that if they start smoking I can take her out of the house. But no. James was basically told I am unwanted there.
I don't want to deprive Lilia from her Uncle, but at the end of the day I am her MOTHER. If he wants anything to do with her then he obviously has to have something to do with me! I'm not stopping him from seeing her, but I am just saying that he will have to start being a bit nicer to/about me if he wants her to go down to where he lives! Because she certainly isn't going without me! I know I got involved when I shouldn't have, but how the HECK am I the bad person?! I stuck up for someone innocent and told someone that what they did was wrong. Okay, I admit, I could have said it a lot nicer. But at the end of the day he beat up my boyfriend (at the time) for no good reason. In fact it was for him doing something that he should have done himself! He brought all the trouble to his mother's door so he should have sorted it, not James!
Ugh. So James told me Daniel said that about me, and he said it was really unfair and he got so upset about it. But now James is the bad person according to his family. And so am I for wanted to keep an eye on my daughter when she goes down there! His family have said Lilia should be able to go without me.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable in wanted to make sure no one breathes any type of smoke- especially WEED- in her face?! Because I certainly don't! James won't go down there and no one else would keep an eye, so it's up to me! If they don't want me down there then fine, but Lilia is NOT and NEVER WILL go down there without me!

So I am sitting here chilling with a glass of wine while Lilia babbles away in her bouncer. It is 11:40pm and she's WIDE awake. She had her jabs and slept since them (I tried waking her but in the end I gave in - she obviously needed the rest) so now she is wide awake when it comes to me wanting to go to bed! Great, ha ha!

Happy Halloween!

This photo was taken a few days ago, well more like 1-2 weeks ago! But because I will be out on Halloween (we are going to a little party for kiddies down James' Grampa's) I thought I'd post it now rather than on Halloween. My little girl has grown loads, and she looks extra cute in her little costume!

Happy Halloween! Love from Bella and Lilia. x

A much needed update!

Okay, so I know I haven't posted a proper post in a very long time! But that's all going to change, I hope! I want to get back to normal with my blogging, and blog at least once a week if I can. I will try to blog every other day, but obviously that depends on whether something actually happens in my life!
So because I'm going to start updating you all more often, I thought a MAJOR update of my life, Lilia's life, Lilia's development, etc, was needed! So here we go;

Lilia
I pretty much updated you all with what was going on in my post below this one.. She's going to start solids next week, she's in her cot (or i'm trying to get her into it!) and she's nearly five months (she will be twenty weeks - which is five months - on the Sunday coming). She's in size three nappies and she has 7oz of hungrier baby milk. She doesn't need to be put up yet, she sometimes doesn't have a whole seven, but she gets hungry before her next feed is due (she usually goes 4hourly but she's been going 3-4hourly mostly now - she went two hourly last night!) and gets unsettled unless she has a top up. I think milk fills her enough at the start, but it's kinda like a salad.. It fills you up at the time, but you're hungry again later anyway!
She is such a good baby, in all aspects of babyhood (lol - I struggled for a better word!). She is pleasant with every person she meets, she's always smiling and laughing, she will be quiet through most things, she's happy to sit in her bouncer and entertain herself for an hour (though she does get bored as she cannot reach out and grab things intentionally yet. She is teething and loves to chew on my finger! I can't really think of much else that I should update you all on - it feels like nothing has changed at all since I last posted, though I know probably EVERYTHING has.

ISABELLA
So nothing exciting ever happens in my life - apart from all of Lilia's milestones, of course. I don't have much of an update for you guys on myself. I don't tend to take notes or anything. I find I'm letting my own life pass by me and I don't pay attention, because I would rather watch Lilia's life change every second. I should really concentrate on the both of us rather than just her. Because I know I'll let everything go if I just watch my daughter. I need to watch my own back too.
But anyways, I went out for that coffee with James. He was already waiting there for me with my favourite frappucino and a slice of cake. He fussed Lilia for around two hours, right up until she fell asleep. Then it was the time I dreaded - time for us to talk.. I was so wrong, it actually wasn't that bad. We got along, and he made me laugh. We now talk a lot, and it's not just about Lilia. We see eachother often and it's really great spending time as a family, even if we aren't properly together.
Yeah. James and I aren't together. We're flirting a lot, but nothing has come off it. He hasn't asked me and I won't give in and ask him myself. But I do think we should give it another try. Not just for Lilia's sake, but for ours too.
Other than that, nothing has really happened at all. I got called a slut for kissing two guys in the whole (almost) five months that my daughter has been born. By my 'best friend' who has cheated numerous times, and doesn't even know who the father to her newborn son is. Yeah, for those of you who didn't know why James and I broke up - I kissed a guy. Well, a guy kissed me. And it messed my head up. I didn't want anything to do with that guy, but I didn't regret kissing him. I didn't feel bad because of James for one second. I didn't push Ferdinand (the guy) off me, and I didn't intend to either. I don't know. I broke up with James because I thought that if I could let a guy kiss me and not even think about what James would say, or even what I was doing to him, etc, then I couldn't have loved him. But I did love him. Still do. Always will. I just learnt that the hard way.

Lilia is growing too fast!

Lilia is almost five months old now! I have tried and tried to keep her off solids until six months, however I think she is ready now. I am planning on getting advice off my health visitor when I see her on Thursday for her jabs (3 weeks late, I know - but she was two weeks behind anyway). Of course I will consider her advice and keep it in mind, but I am almost definitely going to give Lilia her first spoonfuls of baby rice on Monday.
In other news, I spent all day doing her cot today. It is now assembled and ready for her to sleep in. This is the first night I will be trying to get her into her own bed - I was co-sleeping before (unplanned, of course!). So far it is 10:23pm and she has been up in her cot TWICE and she is now wide awake downstairs kicking away on her changing mat. I am planning on doing controlled crying, but she made herself sick and I just can't deal with her acting that way. She's ill anyway so I'm just going to ease her into her cot in a slower, more gentle, way. I think I'll allow her to chill downstairs until her last feed. Then it's time for bed. If she doesn't go to sleep, then I will leave her. If she starts crying too much and acting like she was acting before... I'll put her in my bed next to me but won't touch her, talk to her, or make any eye contact. It's going to be so hard but she needs to sleep in her own bed now it's a cot.

My little girl is just growing up too fast. WAY too fast. I can't believe she is so grown up - laughing, smiling, in a cot (sort of!), having solids (or will be next week!). It's just completely crazy and I don't know where time is going!
I do have a major update post to do - where I will explain things in full detail - since I haven't written a proper post in SO long. I want to get back into blogging, I've just had a hectic life! I'll try and write my update post telling you all about my life and Lilia's too when I have time. Which hopefully won't be that far into the future!

That one person..

Who you will always have feelings for no matter what..

James came by today to visit Lilia. He admitted to being a bad dad, and said that it needs to stop. I agreed and he asked if he could come over more often.. What could I say? I had to say yes, it's great that he's taking an interest now - but in a way, I wish I could've said no. I wish I just turned to him and told him that he can't swan in here like everything is fine now that Lilia has a bit of a personality. I'm not doing all the hard work for him to get all the rewards. But how could I have said that? How could I ever deprive my daughter of a father - or even James of his daughter, for that matter. So of course I had to smile politely and agree to it.
He saw how awkward I was about this decision, so he leaned forward and glared at me - eye contact with him always made me weak at the knees, and he knew that. He told me how he was going to change and how he was foolish to ever let Lilia go, and me. I didn't respond to that, I just told him it was time to go and he can come and see Lilia whenever he wants to. I didn't want him to know that what he said gave me butterflies. I didn't want the butterflies at all, but they were there.
He text me about an hour and a half after he left. He asked if we could meet for coffee tomorrow so that he can spend some time with Lilia. I foolishly said yes. I don't want to stop them from bonding and getting to know eachother on my own selfish terms of not wanting to fall head over heels for him again.
I mean, when we broke up I knew I'd never fully get over him. There's no such thing as loved. But I didn't realise just how much of the feelings I had would come flooding back just by seeing him again. It's been so long that I managed to bury my feelings.. At least until today.
Ugh. I can see this either going so very very badly wrong, or going so amazingly right. Why do I think it'll be the first one?! Grunt grunt grunt!!

Hello strangers!

Hello my lovely blog followers!
I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long - twenty one days to be exact! I used to be such an active blogger, but since giving birth I haven't really had much time. Well, since Lilia got a bit older and started sleeping less I've been ill of time.
So I'm going to try and update whenever I get a chance now, because I feel not only have my readers (if I have any left!) are missing out on the growth and development of Lilia, but I'm missing out on memories I could be keeping by posting things in the blog.

So Lilia is fourteen weeks and three days today. I can't believe it! That's three and a half months. Mad. That's over a quarter of a year, and just under a third! I can't believe in two and a half months time she'll be six months! Time is going way too fast.
She's smiling, laughing, and definitely getting her personality! It's a cheeky one. She's such a happy baby, and loves people and attention. She's on 6oz of milk, the hungrier baby formula. She weighs 13lb 14 1/2 .. She was weighed six days ago and was only 13lb 9 1/2! That's 5oz in just six days... What a little pudding!
She will quite happily sit in her bouncer by herself for me to do things around the house or sterilise her bottles, etc.. But she does end up getting bored, or wanting attention, etc. She will NOT be left when she wants her feed though - when she's hungry, she's HUNGRY! Unless she's sleeping she will not go later than the time her feed is due, most of the time she goes earlier. She's not ready for 7oz yet though, I think she's just having a growth spurt or something..
Oh, and she's basically sleeping through the nights now. We are co-sleeping until she fits into a cot (wasn't planned!!) but her last feed is usually around 11-12ish, then we get up 7-8ish(: ... It's great!

No more updates about Lilia, and I haven't really got any updates about myself..

Update on Lilia :)

My perfect little angel will be 12 weeks (THREE MONTHS!!!) on Sunday. She sleeps all the way through the night from whatever time we go to bed (it varies, but usually around 11ish due to night feed) til 8ish. She has 6oz of Cow&Gate formula, and she's still on the first stage of milk - not hungrier baby. She is full of giggles and smiles constantly. She gurgles and babbles at me, and loves kicking her legs. She is so nosey and loves looking at things. She had her 8 week injections on 25th August, when she was nearly ten weeks. She will have her 12 week injections when she is nearly sixteen weeks. I'm doing just fine too, loving life as a mommy :) That's all I can really think of, but if I find more news or updates on anything I'll update:)

Holly!

I have taken some time offline, but I am back now. I will be updating as often as I can, though I can't promise when it will be or if it will be regular.
Anyways, of course since I've been offline I have missed everything!

I just wanted to say congratulations to Holly! I hope you enjoy motherhood (which I know you will!) and I wish you and Bundles all the best!
I hope we can stay in touch and I hope you keep me updated on your beautiful little girl, but I totally understand about your blog going!
I hope to hear from you soon, and we can compare labour notes;) Ha ha! I miss out weirdly open conversations! :D Love love love to youu:D xxx

A few photos..

I thought my blog was getting a little boring since I haven't had much time to post about anything. So I've decided to add some photos in order to make it a little more interesting! They are all watermarked and tagged so I'm feeling pretty safe about uploading these. Obviously it won't be many, though.

Surviving Lilia - week six.

Had very little sleep this week.. I've gotten Lilia into bad habits and she won't sleep unless it's in my bed.. So I haven't had much sleep at all.
Nothing is really new, I'm just erally tired and she's gotten worse.
She's so tall! I put her next to my friends 5 month baby, and she's nearly the same size! Crazy!
She's also started losing her hair, bless her! Hopefully it'll come back brown or blonde - and not a bright ginger ha ha!
She got weighed on 26th July, and weighed 10lb 12oz.. That's almost the ideal weight for a two month old... What a fatty!

Sorry this post is so brief, Lilia's actually in my arms dozing right now.. I'm too afraid to put herr down yet because I knowshe'll wake up and I have things to do! Ha.. Like eat!

Dressing my baby;

I love dressing her up for days out and things:) Having a baby girl is definitely the best for dressing up!
But the thing is.. Everyone has given me stuff so I don't need to buy anything. Though it's useful and I'm not ungrateful, I've only kept the second hand babygrows and vests, etc.. It's not that there's anything wrong with the clothes I'm given, it's just I want to choose what my baby wears in the day and not only have things that people have handed down to me..
I'm not ungrateful at all, and sometimes if I really love an outfit I'll keep it, it's just part of the fun of having a baby is to shop for cute little clothes to put them in!
I'll obviously keep and use day outfits which are bought as a gift, but usually second hand clothes I'll throw out..
James' sister knows I do this, and she has made me feel really guilty for it. Is it really that bad of me to want to buy things for my own daughter? I know everyone thinks they're helping when they give me stuff, and they are! .. It's just that I'd like to spend money on my little girl too, you know?
Do you think this is bad of me? Please comment :)

Amy Winehouse and the 92 teenagers who died.

Why is everyone so shocked when a celebrity dies? It's like we think they're immortal or something, ha ha! It's such a tradgedy that Amy died so young, but even her mother said it was really inevitable. My heart goes out to all of her family, friends, fans.. But why is she in the news more than the 92 (or more) 14-19 year olds who got shot at a youth camp for absolutely nothing? Although it is upsetting and a huge loss that Amy has died, and she doesn't deserve any of the abuse she gets, she did do drugs and that was the cause of her death (or so everyone thinks). She basically killed herself, and all the teenagers had done was attent a youth camp..
I'm not saying one loss is justified or greater than the other or anything like that.. I'm just wondering why Amy has had so many news stories and the Norwegians have had half of that at the most.. Just because someone is famous it doesn't mean their death should be broadcasted all over the world with every detail for us all to see, and it doesn't mean that theirs should be bigger news than any other person dying.

Rant over..
R.I.P Amy Winehouse.
R.I.P all those teens lost on Utoy (I think).
R.I.P everyone who we have lost so far in 2011, and before.

Everyone deserves the same rememberance, no matter how they died, when, or where. Or who they were. :)

Surviving Lilia - Week Five.

Lilia is so much more awake now, and is responding to me talking to her by looking and smiling.
She hasn't yet smiled for anyone else apart from me, however my mother has seen her smile while she's sleeping.
She has given a little giggle a few times too :)
I can't believe my little girl is growing up so fast! I like it in a way.. But in other ways, I don't ha ha.
She has recently gone into 0-3months sized clothes, but can still fit into newborn day outfits - babygrows are too small for her if they're smaller than 0-3 now :o
She's still not completely strong in holding her head up but she does it for quite a long time now:)
She has 5oz and usually feeds every 4 hours :}

I honestly don't know what else is new because I'm around her 24/7 anyway so every change is just kinda natural to me. People have said she's losing her hair though.. And she is a bit of a ginger! (James has ginger in his family) She definitely hasn't inherited any of my Italian genes! Ha ha.

Four weeks, four days post partum;

I haven't actually done anything to lose weight, so it's probably exactly the same as it was two weeks post partum.. I can't find my Wii Fit disc :/
But I'm going to start walking soon (we haven't had very good weather recently, so I haven't had a chance to start) and hopefully I'll benefit from that :)
I'm just posting this so I can see if any changes actually happen, though comparing my photo to my two week post partum photo.. not much has! My skin has just sagged a little more! Ha ha ha! And I actually look bigger!
* I promise I'm not! It just must be how close I am to the webcam or the position I'm in or something.. HONEST! Lmao.

Anyway, I'm totally fine. I stopped bleeding and losing gunky stuff or whatever it was on the Sunday last weekend (so she was literally four weeks exactly then), and I'm glad to not have to wear pads all the time now! Though I am getting period pains and have been told I'll probably come on very very soon, ugh!
My boobs still leak little drops of milk but since I lost my milk supply it's not much. I still put breast pads on sometimes, if my leakage is a bit more than usual (days when Lilia's very whingy), but mainly I don't wear them anymore.
My stretch marks are fading well, and are SOOO much lighter around the front of my belly now! They're obviously still visible and most are still a purple-ish colour, but they're getting there!
My skin is really loose and sagging and it always wobbles when I laugh (hahaha) which kinda depresses me! I know it'll never get back to normal, but I wish I'd have time to start making sure I lose now! I don't eat very much anymore, mainly due to not having time, but if I do eat it's usually healthy so at least I'm doing something, right!

On the 19th..

Lilia had a little bit of a giggle! Her first ever one! How cute!
I was tickling her chin with my nails and she giggled twice! She hasn't laughed since then so I think it was just a one-off until she gets a little more deveoped, but I'm still counting it as her first laugh! It truly melted my heart :)

The chair..

So I ended up choosing the bottom chair. Mainly because my friend has the boy version of the other chair for her little man and I know she'd just compare.. Her opinion is everyone has to do things her way, and she doesn't like the fact that I completely disagree.. She's put her little boy on baby rice already and he's two months old. In my opinion that's too soon.. So she'd just tell me what to do with the chair and stuff and I think it'd get to her head if I had the same one as her.. Ha ha. But also because I had a £10 voucher off someone for Mothercare, and that's where the other chair was from :) I'd been looking for something to spend that voucher on for aages! I HATE vouchers, ha ha! Mothercare just never had anything.. That chair was perfect :D

I'm really glad with my choice. Even my friend said that the chair is better than hers, and she's jealous ha :P But I really love it, and Lilia loves it too :) A photo of her in it is below :}

Surviving Lilia - week four.

Sorry this is two days late, I honestly forgot about my blog for a little while, ha ha! I've been busy shopping :D

Anyways.. Lilia has been really unsettled, and spent almost every night last week in my bed:| (I love co-sleeping, but she needs to learn to go down in her own bed and without me too..) I didn't have much sleep at all and was also surviving on little food because I didn't have any time to eat due to Lilia being unsettled in the daytime also. I'm pretty sure she has the beginning of colic. I've started giving her infacol and this week she seems a little more settled and is actually sleeping in her crib. Sometimes she still wants cuddles to go off to sleep, but who can complain about that, right!
She's changing by the day and so big now! She's getting weighed again in a week so I can't wait to see how much she weighs now! Last time she was weighed she was 9lb! Went from 7lb 9oz right up to 9lb in less than two weeks! CRAZY!
I can't wait until she starts to get a personality, it'll be so exciting!

Being a mummy;

Being a mother is the most emotional role that I have ever played. I've found myself crying, laughing, fearing, being proud, being worried, loving someone so much it feels like my heart will explode, etc.. All that the same time. My emotions are running wild, and it's not due to my hormones being all over the place. I will be this emotional forever now. Sometimes I just watch my baby and cry... Because I'm so lucky, because she's beautiful, because she's mine, because I don't deserve her, just simply because.
Being a mother has allowed me to respect people a lot more than I did before. I certainly respect women more than I did. We truly are miraculous creatures! I have no idea how we do what we do.. But we do. To be able to raise a child is one of the hardest things to accomplish.. But to be willing to let them go is even harder. And that's why I think my mother is the most respectable woman in the world. My mum was willing to let me grow up; let me be independant. She let me move out, she let me think that I knew everything and she let me do what I wanted because as always - I knew best. A mother is the one person that every child needs most. And when it came down to me becoming a mother.. All I wanted was my mother.
Being a mother has helped me let go of any anger I have with people, and taught me to concentrate on only the positives.. Take James, for example.. He is a complete and utter twonk. But I have him to thank for my beautiful daughter. She wouldn't be who she is if it wasn't him who helped me make her.. She wouldn't be as gorgeous. He is the one who has given me this amazing, ongoing experience, to look forward to. I'm actually grateful that I got pregnant. It has taught me a lot, and has been the best thing to ever happen in my entire seventeen years and (almost) ten months of life.
Being a mother is a massive learning curve.. I've already learrnt so much. Not only how to make bottles up and the rules that come with them, or any little thing that most people already know, but I've learnt how to function on broken sleep. I've leant all the hardships that come with being a mum, how much emotion is involved in parenthood, and that there are times where you feel you can't go on - but there are much more times where you wouldn't change anything in the world. Being a mother may be extremely hard, I've learnt that, but it's definitely worth it.. And I've learnt that too. I learnt it very quickly.
Being a mother means my time isn't mine anymore. I spend any spare moment I get sterilising bottles, preparing baths, packing changing bags, tidying up, etc.. But I couldn't think of a better way to spend the time. It's making sure that my Princess has the best start in life, and it's putting her first. That's the best way to spend any free time, in my opinion :).
Being a mother is EXPENSIVE. With no income (I haven't started claiming anything yet), I've learnt just how hard it is to provide things for a baby - especially since I'm so young. A box of formula, which lasts between one and two weeks if I'm lucky, is around £7. A packet of two teets is around £5. Washing powder (believe me, this is a necessity for mothers!) is around £10. I use Fairy Non Bio, and the one I buy is enough for a good few washes.. I went through that, and two bottles of Comfort Pure, in about a week! Terrible! As for nappies and wipes, I'm not sure how much they cost as my mother has bought all my nappies and wipes for me so far since I haven't applied for benefits yet, and she bought in bulk anyway. But I'm sure even if they're on offer or something they're still going to cost a lot because nappies are something a mother needs a lot of for a very long time! I haven't had to worry about the cost of clothes, or stuff such as the pram, moses basket, crib, cot, etc.. Because I've been lucky enough to have had everything given to me for free, or bought for me from others.
Being a mother has only made me wish I could do more. I can only do my best for my darling daughter, and there's days where i feel she deserves so much more. But I wouldn't give her up for the world; she's my entire life, entire world... My everything. I honestly can't wait to have more! Which is something I never thought I'd say, as even ast the end of my pregnancy I was determined Lilia was my first and last! But I do miss being pregnant, ha ha!

My new mum resolution..

So rather than a new year resolution, I figured I'd create my own 'new mum resolution' since there's a while til new year :)
My resolution is to go on Wii Fit once every week day (weekends I'm usually out visiting people, etc) if I can. I just want to lose this baby fat now. I won't get rid of my stretch marks but I'm trying to make them fade. It's depressing that I don't have a bikini body in the summer, so I decided I'm going to get into shape ready for next summer (lol!), but hopefully I'll lose a bit before then.

My other resolution is to start wearing makeup if I see people or go out again. Obviously I won't be able to all the time because I do have a baby to take care of as well... But I want to start making an effort whenever I can again, because since my pregnancy I've gone really downhill and don't seem to care about my appearance any longer. NOT like the old me at all!

My third and final resolution is to not let others get me down, especially James. I took Lilia over his this weekend and it just didn't work out. I don't want to get into details because it's a bit personal, I'd only share with certain friends, but it wasn't a nice weekend. His whole family came over to see Lilia and they were just really mean. James didn't say anything and when I asked if he could stick up for me, he joined them and started insulting me. I ended up coming home early, and I'm never going up there again. His father actually smoked in the living room! Didn't open a window or anything and didn't go outside. The baby was about 5ft away from him, that's all! I was so disgusted. I took the baby and left the house and they were NOT happy with that. Well... Tough Sh** is what I say! Anyways.. If they want to see Lilia they can come to my parents house, where they're in charge and his family can't boss me around or spend the time insulting me or damaging the health of my baby. I know James is the dad and he has every right to see her.. But he doesn't bother. If it's not us going to him he won't make an effort at all. He doesn't realise that for me to come up to him it's not just the baby and myself that I have to take.. UGH. So yeah. This resolution is mainly based on him and his family. I don't want to feel like crap because of what other people say or do.. So I'm determined I'm not going to take things to heart anymore!

Surviving Lilia - week three.

I can't believe my little girl is nearly a month old.. Not so little now!
I keep listening to never grow up by Taylor Swift, and crying because now I really know the true meaning behind the song. Obviously everyone knows it's about a child growing up and a mother not wanting them too and blah blah.. But only now do I understand the full meaning behind the song.

Anyways. This week things have been a lot more routined and stuff. I've finally found a knack to doing things, and I manage to get a lot done when she's sleeping. I'm not so tired in the nights anymore, however she still does wake up twice and obviously once I've been woken up it's hard to not be tired.. But I manage.
Near the end of the week things went a little wrong. She's less settled when we go upstairs to bed, and she ended up sleeping in my bed with me for two nights..
Other than that, nothing much has changed. Apart from the way Lilia looks :)

Rant.

Please excuse this post. I just need somewhere to express my anger, before I express it on someones face. I'll try my best not to use nasty words, I like my blog to be clean.. But I am just sooo f***ing pissed!

So James. Remember him? That amazing guy I was so madly in love with, the perfect guy who loved me more than anything and couldn't wait to meet his daughter who he was going to be the best dad to? Yeah.. That James is non-existant. Dont get me wrong, he can still be a great guy when he wants to be.. It's just.. He doesn't want to be one at the moment. He hasn't seen Lilia in eight days (which is a long time, considering she's only nineteen days old) and it's really annoying me. Just before she was born, after we broke up, James made a huge fuss about how he wanted to see her every day. I said that was no problem and that he could come over my mother's house every day after work to visit her. He said he wanted her on weekends, but me being an over-protective mother said he could only have her over his on weekends provided I was there too. He didn't really take it personally and said fine, I could stay in the spare room (which was going to be Lilia's nursery) with her. So we made that agreement and for the first five days of her life, we stuck to it. James was over every day. When it came to the weekend, he didn't want to see her. Then he didn't see her all week because he was busy at work, until Thursday last week. Thursday he came over and gave me £20 to buy her milk, nappies, wipes, whatever I needed. He stayed for an hour, gave her a quick cuddle, then left. He hasn't seen her since. I've invited him over many times, but he's always said he's busy.
He told me he was busy earning money by doing DIY jobs for people in his street. I thought that was fair enough, because I need more money for the baby's milk and he knows this. I invited him to come round today but he said no. So I said that I need money for formula and asked him if I could have some of the money he'd earned. He said he was too busy to give it to me, so I offerec to bring the baby 'round to the bungalow to see him and I'd pick it up... Then the truth came out. He said he didn't want to give me any of his money because he worked too hard earning it, and he wanted to spend it on drink to reward himself for working so hard.. So he's choosing drink over his daughter. He better shape up soon or I won't be letting him see her at all.
It's just kinda worrying because he's already on the birth certificate. He could take her whenever he wanted and it would be allowed, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I'm nervous about that, but I doubt he'd actually do something like that.

F***ing b****** of a man!

My confession.

Having a child is definitely very very very difficult. Last night was the worst night yet - Lilia hadn't slept all day yesterday, so of course I hadn't had a chance to nap either, and she wouldn't settle in the night. She just would not go to sleep and I was so tired from not having a nap in the day. I was grring and cursing and I very nearly broke into tears. I was so tempted to just fob Lilia off to my mother so I could get some sleep. But then I looked at her, and I was calm again. I realised that yes, it was hard, but it was worth it. I didn't care if I would have no sleep at all, because my energy would be spent looking after my daughter and bonding with her, etc..
It is extremely difficult and I wouldn't suggest having a child as young as me to anyone, but it is definitely worth it and it's a blessing. Becoming a mother is the best thing that has happened to me ever, and though times are tough, I wouldn't change it.

Anyway.. My confession (along with the one about last night!) is that I didn't want to have kids until I was a lot older, and even then I wasn't sure if I would want any. I was a career minded girl, and children would get in the way. But now my little princess is here... I want another! She's not even 3 weeks old yet, and I really can't wait until I get pregnant again! It probably won't be for a while yet, and I don't think James wants another one for a looong time, but I just can't wait! I really really want more children. Never thought I'd say that, but I do. I can't wait.
My friend gave birth today, and I was jealous. Ha ha!

Choices, choices!

Which chair do you prefer? They're both very similarly designed, and both vibrate.. I can't decide which one I like best.. Help? :')

Lilia Jade ♥

On November 2nd 2010, my life changed forever. I found out that I was going to be a mother. This news was really hard for me to process; I was going to be in charge of a life - of raising a person in the right way.. I could no longer afford to make any mistakes. It wouldn't just be me who would suffer the consequences anymore.

I soon came 'round to the idea of a little life being inside me. I was growing an actual person in my tummy - someone who would one day be jsut as big as I am right now.. And that's the best feeling in the world. I felt like I had some kind of super power.

As my pregnancy went on, I watched my belly grow and grow. With each new centimetre my stomach stretched, another tonne of love poured from my heart for my child. It's weird how you can love someone so much when you've never even met them.

Finding out I was going to have a little girl made me so so happy. I had images of us being more like best friends than mother and daughter (kinda like Gilmore Girls, aha!)... And I'm determined that it's exactly what we'll be like.

I couldn't wait to meet this wonderful creation that my boyfriend and I had made. I had so many questions running through my mind - like 'what will she be like?' 'who will she look like?' etc..

Near the end of my pregnancy, I was growing more and more impatient. I couldn't wait to meet this wonderful stranger much longer. It was weird.. I'd been growing her inside of my body for so long, yet I knew nothing about her. With every kick I wished I could exchange it for a kiss or a cuddle off her.

Being in labour was the most exciting time for me. Just knowing that soon all the questions my mind had been asking will be answered made me so happy - I couldn't wait to meet my little girl and finall give her all the kisses and cuddles I'd waited 39 weeks and 2 days for.

When Lilia was first placed on my chest my eyes filled with tears. I kissed her straight away (and ended up with blood on my lips, ha ha!) and just stared at her little face. I couldn't believe that I had made such a beauty!

My baby girl is my entire world. I stay awake just to watch her sleep, even though I'm half dead from the sleep deprivation. She's my entire world, and honestly Ican't believe I ever survived without her! I've never known a love so strong.

I just don't want her to grow up. Although it's hard that she relies on me for everything, I know that it will be even harder as she begins to learn how to be independent and no longer needs me. I want to give her everything and anything that she ever wants, but I know I won't be able to. There's just so much I want to do in order to thank her for being in my life. She's given me the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I honestly don't deserve such a beautiful baby girl.

The proof pictures :}

I'm making the most of Lilia being asleep and blogging until she wakes up :)
I still have two more posts that I want to write after this, but whether I do or not is another thing.. I might just go for a nap instead, ha ha :)

Anyways, I took the proof pictures today - literally like an hour ago when I'd just put Lilia down :) Hope they're up to your standards.

Two weeks postpartum..

My stitches came out after exactly two weeks (well, the knot at the start of them did anyway. I'm not sure if the rest has already dissolved, but if it hasn't then its going to soon..). I went to the toilet and when I was wiping the knot was just there in the tissue. My stitches were white (I've been told they're usually blue) and thicker than what I thought they'd be. I've felt a bit of pulling lately, which must have been my stitches pulling my skin back and my tear healing, etc. But mainly everything is okay down there and slowly getting back to normal :) - well, as normal as can be anyway! I'm still bleeding, but nowhere near as much as I was. It's mainly just like a gunky kinda substance that I'm losing now. I have no idea what it's meant to be, but apparently it's normal ha ha!
My boobs still leak a little bit if I don't wear a bra or the baby cries, etc, but it's not much at all. It's actually less than it was when I was still pregnant! So my milk is still there a little bit, but it's basically gone - and the midwife said I probably wouldn't get it back now. :/
My belly is sagging and I have a lot of excess skin, but it's slowly going and it's gone down a hell of a lot since I gave birth! It's still there, but I'm almost back to what I was like before - just with more skin (and saggier) and lots and lots of stretch marks!
I have a really pale face and baggy eyes 24/7 as a result of being so tired. I look terrible, but I barely have time to shower now so obviously doing my hair and making myself look pretty is last on my list and never gets done. Well.. It's not that I don't have time to shower.. It's just that I'm always nervous when I leave her on her own to go in the shower (she's asleep in her moses basket or crib and completely safe) ... Stupid, I know!
I'm still wearing pads and breast pads (breast pads are just in case) and it's really uncomfortable. I have a really bad rash/sore spot on both of my legs from where the pad has been rubbing the insides due to me wearing them for so long. I can't wait to not have to wear them every day!
I get random aches/twinges in my back, bum, and sometimes my lady area (lack of a better word, aha!) but it's all normal and other than that I feel completely healthy physically :D

So I haven't really done too bad!

This is my two weeks and one day post partum belly;

Surviving Lilia - the second week!

This week has been much better than the first. Both Lilia and I seem to be more settled now, and we more or less have a routine going on. Lilia is wide awake and much more alert and nosy than a two week old should be! She's also trying to hold her head up all the time, and she can actually manage to hold it up for a good 10 seconds or even a bit more! It's crazy!
Sadly I haven't been able to get my milk supply back because when I pumped my nipples started to bleed, and it got too much for me. (Sorry if it's too much information, aha!) A midwife who was helping with Lilia's feeding problem said as long as I'm happy then it's okay that I haven't got milk anymore. She said Lilia is now 7lb 9 (or was when she last got weighed on Wednesday by my health visitor) which is nearly back up to her birth weight so she's doing really really well. She said I don't need to be worried at all, and they're discharging me on Friday :)
The health visitor made her first visit on Wednesday and said Lilia is looking really lovely. Lilia's notes said she was severely jaundice and she would have to be taken into hospital and put under a UV light if it didn't clear within a certain amount of time.. But it had completely cleared and the health visitor was really impressed! :) So I guess that was down to me bottle feeding her and making sure she had eaten enough.. Thanks Tommee Tippee;)
Lilia's changing already. It's hard to believe she's only two weeks old.. She looks completely different to what she did before! The spare time that I have I spend editing pictures of her (if I'm not napping) because I've decided I'm going to make a scrap book for her, full of pictures and stuff throughout her first year (maybe longer). And I want to buy her a charm bracelet for her first birthday, so that it's something sentimental. For each occasion then I will buy her a charm (possibly another present as well cos it'd be boring having a charm every year) to add to the bracelet. I just think it's a really great idea :)
Oh and my stitches have come out :) Well, the knot that is at the top came out today, exactly two weeks after I had them done (at Lilia's birth) so I suppose that's a good sign that everything is all healing well! :)

I've yet to provide the salutes that I have promised certain people. But as you can understand, it's very busy being a new mommy! I do promise I will do them though. Hopefully next week, but I'm not sure yet as my mother and James are back in work (both had time off because of the baby) and I'm left to look after Lilia and myself and the house completely on my own for the first time. I'm going to struggle with the washing of clothes and dishes, etc, but I'm not going to struggle with taking care of my girl. I'm used to that already now and its just kinda instinctive. I doubt I'll look after myself though tbh, haha. My mother had to basically force me to eat during the first week and a half!


More soon! I do try and get on whenever I can but obviously it's hard. Hence I'm just doing weekly updates. I hope that my blog will be more back to normal (still with the weekly updates) soon though!

Surviving Lilia - the first week.

First off, I'd like to mention that I won't be adding any more pictures to my blog. I do have a tinypic though, and I'm willing to share the links to photos if you ask and I know you well enough to trust you with photos of my daughter. I don't care if you don't understand, and I don't care if this makes me "fake". She's my daughter and I'd rather know whose looking at photos of her and be assumed a liar than everyone know I'm not lying and have anyone look at her photos.
I've actually said I'll add one more photo - photo of her with paper saying my blog, etc.. But obviously life's kinda busy at the moment. I'll take it when I have time to sit down and write on a piece of paper. But until then.. Just be patient, aha.

Anyways. The first week has been very hard and tiring, but I love being a mother. Lilia had some problems with her feeding and she lost more weight than she was meant to (up to 8% is average) and her jaundice wouldn't clear. The poor girl has been orange since she was born, only yesterday has it started going down. I was breast feeding but because of her trouble and her jaundice I've had to bottle feed to keep an eye on how much she has. It's kinda gutting in a way, because I really wanted to breast feed. But I'm glad I'm bottle feeding as well because at least now I can make sure my little girl isn't starving.
I've been feeding her formula, so my milk supply has basically nearly gone. Which is a shame because I wanted to feed her breast milk in a bottle.. The midwife said I can get it back with regular pumping, but the only time I have to pump is when Lilia's napping... Which is when I nap too. I can't survive without the naps at the moment, so sadly I haven't been able to get my milk supply back yet ;{ I am determined that I will though!

My labour and delivery..

I started having period pain on Thursday night, but it was mild so I didn’t think anything of it.. I've had mild period pain throughout the pregnancy due to the womb stretching. It was stronger than the period pain I'd previously had, but I just thought that was because I was at the end of my pregnancy. It woke me up throughout the night.
On Friday the pain got a bit worse, but it was constant and not rhythmical like contractions. I had my first sign of my mucus plug at around 11:30pm on Friday, it was only a tiny tiny dot of blood but I'd had bits every time I went to the toilet since.The period pains turned into contractions and started getting rhythmical sometime in the day, however they were very very mild. I didn’t sleep much Friday night because I was in too much pain.
On Saturday morning (early – at around 5-6am) my contractions were 6 minutes apart, but after that they started coming randomly and irregularly. Which really pissed me off to be honest, ha ha!
I went to town with my mother and then to antenatal clinic in the morning. The midwife told us to call if they got to unbearable and regular but I seemed to be managing fine at that moment in time, and she said I was really in control when I had a contraction because I breathed in and out and rocked back and forth.. She said most people just panic, ha ha! The baby was 3/5ths engaged at that appointment.
When we got home at around 1ish, I finally slept for 1-2hours in the afternoon, but the contractions were still irregular.. The closest were 2-3 minutes apart, and the furthest were 10 minutes apart, so yeah.. They were definitely irregular!
I somehow managed to cope with the pain right up until 11pm. But at that point the paracetemol was no longer taking the edge off, and I was so exhausted. So around 11ish I phoned the midwife and asked her to come out and see where I was at, etc.. My midwife Penny didn't come, but the one who came (named Penny too, aha) was the one who took my 28week bloods, and she is absolutely lovely. I nearly fainted and she was so nice, ha ha. She came to my house at around half 11. She told me that she didn't think I was in full blown labour and that she didn't see the need to examine me, but she still would if I wanted an idea of where I was at.. So I asked her to, and it turned out I was 4-5cms dilated! She was really shocked. I don't know if she was shocked because it had happened fast, or because I was coping so well or what..
Anyways, she gave me a TENS machine and told me that I should start to think about going in to the hospital if I wanted to have a hospital birth. She phoned the labour ward and told them to expect us soon. She explained that I was 4-5cms so she said there was no need for us to go to the maternity ward first.. We'd just go straight to the labour ward. She told me to have something to eat and to then go in, and there should be a delivery suite waiting for me.
I decided I wanted a bath first, so I had one and then my mother made herself, James, and I some toast and cups of tea. After the toast and halfway through my tea I really couldn’t cope with the pain any longer, so we went into the hospital. It was around 1 in the morning.
We got the labour ward and they sent us back to the maternity ward. We were there for half an hour, and all they did was bitch because I was meant to be straight in the labour ward haha. I was examined in the maternity ward and I was 6-7cms. The woman who examined me was NOT happy that I got sent away from the labour ward, haha. So she took us to the labour ward. We got told what delivery suite we were in, and she introduced herself proper as Lynne and told us she'd be staying with us because she was on night duty and she didn't think Julie (a midwife from my local team who was on call that night) would be needed. Soon after we got in the suite I was on gas and air as well as using the TENS machine. I was violently sick EVERYWHERE like an hour (give or take) into being in the delivery suite! It went all over the bed, pillow, floor.. Everywhere. So I went to the toilet and changed my nighty and Lynne had to change all the sheets, etc. Haha.
My labour kept on picking up and then slowing down due to my exhaustion. It was by then that I was too tired to waddle around and rock when I had a contraction (it's best to keep active, and it does really help) so I just lay in the bed from then on. I got told so many different times that the midwife expected the baby to come throughout the night – first she was expecting to deliver in the early morning, then lunch time, then late morning, etc.. It annoyed us all that the labour wasn't consistent. Poor Lynne must have put her apron and gloves on ready to deliver about four times since we got into the suite, ha ha!
At around 6 or 7 in the morning the midwife finished her shift and Penny, the midwife who examined me at home, was now on duty and she was assigned to watch over me. I was happy that she was going to be the one delivering my daughter because she's just so lovely..
Anyway, my waters broke a few hours later and I honestly didn’t realise that they did – Penny checked me over and said she thought my waters had finally broken, but I said it was probably just wee. (It honestly just felt like I weed myself at each contraction! It was the bad ones where I had the urge to push and couldn't control it, lol!)
Really soon after that I was (uncontrollably) pushing Lilia out. The midwife tried to tell me to stop as the head was crowning, she was screaming 'BREATHE!' at me and trying to hold her in! But i couldn’t control my own body so she was delivered completely in one. No head then pause then body, it was just a big shoot. The midwife had to catch her because she came out so fast, ha ha!
I was completely high off gas and air, for about the last two or three hours I had no clue what I was doing. And according to James and my mother I was slurring at every word and doing stupid actions instead of talking, ha ha.. Pretty much like I am when drunk then!
I had to have stitches as I had a second degree tear on both the left and the right side, but I was let out three hours after she arrived. It was horrible having a shower after she was born - the amount of blood is just ridiculous! I hate blood and it was just dripping out of me constantly. I had to sit on the shower floor and let my mum wash my hair and body, ha ha. I refused to even touch my private parts because they were so sore. And I was too afraid to wee. I think I had my first wee in the night, and it wasn't bad. It stung a bit but I was totally overreacting by refusing to wee , ha ha!
My labour was counted from 11pm Saturday until she was delivered at 8:45am on Sunday. I said I'd been in pain for much longer than that but apparently it wasn't established labour. Ugh, ha ha!

Birth announcement!

Lilia Jade!



Born on Sunday 19th June (Fathers Day).

8:45am.

7lb 11 1/2oz.

Established labour was for 9 hours and 45 minutes.

Exciting news!

Well it looks like it won't be long for me now!
I had antenatal this morning and she confirmed that the pain I'm feeling is, in fact, CONTRACTIONS! They're just irregular so  I'm the early stages of labour, but it's something!
I didn't sleep all last night because of the pain, they were regular and 6 minutes apart until like 6am, then they've just become messed up.
I got told to phone the midwife when I'm not coping well or when they get regular, but apparently I'm doing really well! Which is good, because I bloody hate pain!

I'll explain more about it when I have more time and I don't have to keep getting up to rock back and forth with each pain, aha... Hopefully that will be when baby's here!
Predictions are she'll come early Sunday (by my family, lol) :D!
She's 3/5ths engaged so far:) I just wish my pain would get worse and regular so I could get it over and done with, it's quite horrible having it drag on considering I've been having some form of pain since Thursday!

And be warned. All they say is take paracetemol. It does NOT work. I didn't want to take it until the pain got worse, but my back was hurting so bad I couldn't walk and I needed to walk to deal with the contractions, so I took some. My back ache and headache went, but the contractions remained the same! Haha.

Rent!

My parents have told me I have to start paying rent once the baby's born. I said 'with what income?'.. So they told me to claim for income support. I don't have time at the moment so I'll be claiming for it when Lilia's here. I feel really judged claiming benefits, because I claimed the £500 as well to put in a savings account for the baby. I don't know, I know there's nothing wrong with claiming for them if you need them - and to live with my mum, I DO need them - and I'm going to claim them no matter what my friends think.. I just feel a bit judged telling them, :/

Eight days and counting!

I'm tired, thirsty, I have a massive headache, I'm hungry, I'm strained, I'm uncomfortable, I'm sweaty, I'm windy, I get awful heartburn, my ribs are battered, I constantly have pins and needles or numb limbs..

Yup, I'm definitely nearly 39 weeks pregnant! I just want her out now. I can't wait for  a cuddle.

38 weeks and 5 days!

I've been told to sit down and rest and that I'm not allowed to help with the moving of furniture, etc.. So I decided I'd take a photo of my bump and mess around online. I wasn't going to upload it, but I'm basically not allowed to leave my seat so I'm really really bored. This picture does my stretch marks a lot of justice, believe me. So yeah, that's the bump at the moment :) Won't be there for much longer though! (Or I hope, ha)

Explanation.

James and I have broken up. It was my decision and James did nothing wrong. He's still going to be there for his daughter, but we're just not together. I'm not going to tell you why we broke up, it's none of your business. But it wasn't a bad break-up, we're still friends and honestly I don't know why. It was completely my fault, but he's still continuing to be the great guy that he is.
Anyway, I'm not going into any more detail than that. If you know me well enough then of course I'd love someone to talk about it with me, but I'm not going to post it openly for everyone to see and judge, etc..

The reason why I'm going to be so busy is because I'm moving back in with my parents. James said I could stay at his bungalow for a while because it's only ten days until my due date, but really I just feel so awkward there now. Not because of James, I mean we're still talking fine.. But because that was going to be our family home, and now it's not.. So yeah. My parents, friends, and even James, are all rushing around after me to help me get all my stuff as well as Lilia's back into my parents house.
They have a lodger, so Lilia hasn't got a room of her own now but that's okay. She's going to be sharing with me when she's little anyway, and by the time I feel like she needs her own room hopefully we'll be moved out. But yeah. That's the reason behind me not being able to take photos for you guys.
Expect less updates too. At least until I'm settled back in my parents house. It shouldn't take too long as I have loads of people helping me and they're doing a really great job. Maybe I'll be moved in completely next week sometime. That's what I hope anyway!

Thanks for understanding.

I'm really sorry..

If any of you have noticed.. I've deleted my promised photos post.
I'm really sorry, but I don't think I'm going to be able to take the photos for a while, or even at all.
There's just been a lot happening in my life (next blog will explain) and I don't have time to run around taking photos. I have a lot of stuff which I now need to do before Lilia gets here, and I'm in a rush already. There's jsut ten days until my due date and it's as if I've had to start my preparation all over again.
It's something that can't be helped. And I know I've broken promises now..
I'M REALLY SORRY!

Pregnancy is NOT sexy.

So I was browsing through baby centre, and I came across a post in the June 2011 group which I'm a part of..
I couldn't stop giggling at it, I literally nearly wet myself. I thought it was so funny and so true that I just had to re-post it here!

So this is the post:
I'm 38 weeks pregnant now and I just want this baby out! I really had a feeling that LO was going to come early, but so far I've had nothing. I get excited with every little pain I get. It's like.. Me and my OH are sitting there and all of a sudden I get stomach pains. I get really excited and scream to him that this is it, but he just sits there and tells me I'm overreacting. I create and make a fuss for a good few minutes before I finally manage to convince him that something is happening and I'm going into labour! .... But then... I fart. And the pain is gone. That's it. A FART. It happens all the freaking time now that I'm so afraid that I'll go into labour and just brush it off as more wind! OH says I'm really not attractive being pregnant; all I do is burp, fart, and poop.. Can anyone relate?

You have no idea how funny this is, because it's actually SO me! All the people who pretend to be mums on Stardoll (and other sites) just act like pregnancy is a total bliss. Nothing to it. But really, it is filled with wind and toilet trips! Like you wouldn't believe. Especially now since I'm near the end the wind has gotten worse and I always need to go to the toilet for number twos! Ha ha. Sorry if that's TMI for you guys, but it's so true. I loved that post so much I saved it to show James, and I copied and pasted it to my Facebook to show people, ha ha ha! Amazing.
(Btw, OH means other half, if you didn't know. On babycentre loads of abbreviations are used and most of the time I don't know what they mean ha ha. But OH and LO [little one] I get!)
The amount of women who commented on this post saying they're exactly the same is unbelievable. Obviously second time mothers don't think they're going into labour with every fart, but they say that the wind is almost unbearable, ha ha.

Maybe I'm not going to pop any time soon, then..

I honestly thought I might go into labour early, which meant any time now. But now I don't think so.
I've had like, no signs at all that I'm going to give birth soon and it's actually quite depressing. I just want to meet my cute little bundle of poop now! My bump has dropped a little bit, but it hasn't dropped any further from when I took the photo I previously posted up here. I've had no show and hardly any period pains.
I have however had hardly any sleep the past two nights. I wake up either too hot, with really bad heartburn, or I just wake up. It's getting pretty annoying.

I know a girl who is due about a week and a half after me, she's dropped so much and is having loads of pains and everything. I really think she'll go before me. It makes me jealous, ha ha. I really wish I'd have some signs or something! I just want a cuddle with my Princess!