But I have to write about my feelings with James otherwise I am just going to explode! I have no one I can really talk to honestly about this because everyone pretty much hates him for how he has treated me.
Friday was so amazing, and then Saturday everything messed up. On Tuesday, James called me a poisonous little girl and told me he hates me guts. He said he never wants to see me again and he can't stand me. This coming from someone I was with for nearly three years and have two children with really upset me. I can laugh at it, because I have realised that I am better off without him especially if that's the way he thinks he can talk to me.. But it still hurts. He was meant to have been in love with me. The fact that he can go from loving me to hating me pretty much overnight speaks volumes. Now I am left wondering if he lied to me our whole relationship and he never really loved me. Or maybe he thought he did but came to realise after we broke up that he didn't? I don't know. But whatever one it is, I doubt he ever loved me either way. It's upsetting really, because I was in love with every single piece of him, the good and the bad. I still am. I probably always will be. I mean it's hard to get over an ex anyway, but when he was the love of your life and you have two kids together it's so much harder. I can't exactly stop seeing him to help me heal.
We don't talk, text, nothing. We text about him having her for the day on Saturday and that was it. He doesn't want to know me. And to be honest if he is going to speak to me the way he did on Tuesday and think that's okay then I don't really want to know him either. That wasn't the James I fell in love with.
Some days I find myself so happy. I belt songs whilst cleaning, I giggle with my children.. I forget all the pain. But I don't forget him. While I sing I imagine I'm singing to him (it's usually break up songs). Other days I sit there bawling my eyes out for hours on end, looking at photos and being really depressed that we broke up. Either way, he is constantly on my mind. Maybe getting how I feel off my chest will take him off my mind for a bit, who knows.
I have removed him from Facebook and deleted his number from my phone. I know his number off by heart so if anything happened to the kids I could still text him. I thought erasing him like that would be the best thing. It would stop me from wanting to talk to him.. It doesn't. I basically stalk him from my friends profile now. Ugh.
So basically no matter how much I try to forget about him or not think about him.. I can't. I think about him all the time, whether it's good things or bad things it's still all the time. Even at the end of the day if I hadn't thought about him I'd sit down and think 'wow, I haven't thought about James today'.. I am a douche.
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