Since James and I broke up I’ve never really been looking
for another partner. I’ve been concentrating on my gorgeous little girl; I
didn’t really need anyone else. Not to
sound big headed but I had a few offers, a few guys hit on me and tried it on
with me.. But I wasn’t interested. Then James and I decided that we should
spend more time together for the sake of our daughter, and the inevitable
happened.. We didn’t really get into an emotional relationship, but we found
ourselves in a sexual one. We didn’t really think of the consequences, and to
be honest I guess I was being selfish. I didn’t think I felt anything for
James, in a kinda twisted way I thought I was using him for my own greedy
gain.. But then I got pregnant. Again. I told James and he stopped most contact
with me. It was then that I realised my true feelings for him. I wasn’t using
him at all, he was using me. I still loved him. F*ck. I spent weeks crying to
myself at night, holding Lilia and just wanting to protect her from ever having
to feel this kind of hurt. I went to my first ultrasound alone, and he didn’t
seem to care about it. He didn’t ask how the baby was doing or when I was due;
nothing. It upset me so much that he
didn’t seem to care, but when he came to pick Lilia up one weekend after the
scan, he seemed different. The conversation between us was awkward; James
talked to me in short sentences or one word answers. I didn’t understand why because
in my opinion we had so much to say. He took Lilia and left without saying bye
to me or letting me kiss Lilia goodbye for the weekend. I text him with a
sarcastic thanks for letting me say bye to my daughter, and he replied with “we
need to talk, Bella.” I got so nervous at that text; I didn’t know what to say
so I just replied with “I know.” After that, nothing more was said. We never
talked and didn’t even bring up that we texted that we should in the first
place. I don’t know why James didn’t, but I didn’t simply because of nerves.
When I got my appointment for my second scan/first official scan, my twelve
week one, I didn’t bother telling James. I figured that he didn’t care about
this baby at the moment, and he was still in shock. I thought there was no
point in telling him just to get an “ok, cool” out of it, and him not even
come. But he saw the pink letter on my refrigerator and told me he was coming.
Soon after he left, I invited my friend over and she told me I think too much
into things. I made such a big deal that he TOLD me he was coming rather than
asking, I was stressing about what that meant, if it would change everything..
I was being totally ridiculous. But I was right.
At my scan, James seemed so interested at the baby. He was explaining how different the baby looks compared to Lilia did at my first scan, and how it’s insane how just three weeks can make such a huge difference. I couldn’t help but smile. I finally knew he cared about this baby. When we got back to my mother’s house, he asked if he could stay a while and if we could take Lilia up the park because the weather was hot. I said yes, and all the way there (it’s only about five minutes away from my mother’s house) he kept telling Lilia how she was going to be a big sister, and how beautiful this baby is going to be, just like her. I just smiled and walked in silence. When we got there he pushed Lilia on the swing and finally decided to talk, which is something we should have done a long time ago. He told me that he’s sorry everything has been so awkward, it’s just he was in shock that I got pregnant again. I told him I understood and kinda thought as much. He told me he needed me to be quiet and just listen to everything he had to say before interrupting or jumping to conclusions. I agreed, a bit confused as to why he would say such a thing.. But then I got why. He told me how he was using me for sex because he couldn’t look at another girl since me. He said he wasn’t able to have sex with any of the girls that tried it on with him. I shivered at the thought of what girls he meant. James is a very good looking guy, and practically anyone would throw themselves at him. Some girls I know tried hitting on him when we broke up… Were meant to be my friends. Yeah, some friends, huh. Anyway, I opened my mouth but James shouted “DON’T!” before I could talk. I shut my mouth and then James told me how he didn’t want a relationship with me and he needed to feed his sex drive, so he turned to someone he knew he could have sex with without any feelings.. Me. I could feel my eyes starting to tear up, and he told me he only thought of me because he’s already been through having feelings for me and he thought since we had already broken up there was nothing else left. I shook my head to say I understood, but I was so upset I only said it so I could leave. When I got Lilia and started heading back to my mother’s, James chased me and stopped me. He grabbed my hand and told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore.. Then he kissed me. I couldn’t help but melt. I still loved him, but he just said he didn’t love me. I couldn’t say anything after the kiss, I just looked away. He said “I know I love you”. I closed my eyes, was it just a dream? I was so confused.. And speechless. He told me he wanted to give us another go, and that he wanted to be a family with our two precious babies. I agreed, but said we needed to take things slow. We’ve agreed to give our relationship another try, but to take our time in everything and start from the very beginning. We’re dating at the moment, we haven’t spent a night together and we haven’t done anything but kiss or cuddle or watch stupid movies together. It’s going great, and I’m so happy. It was just a little confusing at the beginning. But now I know where we both stand, I’m so glad.
At my scan, James seemed so interested at the baby. He was explaining how different the baby looks compared to Lilia did at my first scan, and how it’s insane how just three weeks can make such a huge difference. I couldn’t help but smile. I finally knew he cared about this baby. When we got back to my mother’s house, he asked if he could stay a while and if we could take Lilia up the park because the weather was hot. I said yes, and all the way there (it’s only about five minutes away from my mother’s house) he kept telling Lilia how she was going to be a big sister, and how beautiful this baby is going to be, just like her. I just smiled and walked in silence. When we got there he pushed Lilia on the swing and finally decided to talk, which is something we should have done a long time ago. He told me that he’s sorry everything has been so awkward, it’s just he was in shock that I got pregnant again. I told him I understood and kinda thought as much. He told me he needed me to be quiet and just listen to everything he had to say before interrupting or jumping to conclusions. I agreed, a bit confused as to why he would say such a thing.. But then I got why. He told me how he was using me for sex because he couldn’t look at another girl since me. He said he wasn’t able to have sex with any of the girls that tried it on with him. I shivered at the thought of what girls he meant. James is a very good looking guy, and practically anyone would throw themselves at him. Some girls I know tried hitting on him when we broke up… Were meant to be my friends. Yeah, some friends, huh. Anyway, I opened my mouth but James shouted “DON’T!” before I could talk. I shut my mouth and then James told me how he didn’t want a relationship with me and he needed to feed his sex drive, so he turned to someone he knew he could have sex with without any feelings.. Me. I could feel my eyes starting to tear up, and he told me he only thought of me because he’s already been through having feelings for me and he thought since we had already broken up there was nothing else left. I shook my head to say I understood, but I was so upset I only said it so I could leave. When I got Lilia and started heading back to my mother’s, James chased me and stopped me. He grabbed my hand and told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore.. Then he kissed me. I couldn’t help but melt. I still loved him, but he just said he didn’t love me. I couldn’t say anything after the kiss, I just looked away. He said “I know I love you”. I closed my eyes, was it just a dream? I was so confused.. And speechless. He told me he wanted to give us another go, and that he wanted to be a family with our two precious babies. I agreed, but said we needed to take things slow. We’ve agreed to give our relationship another try, but to take our time in everything and start from the very beginning. We’re dating at the moment, we haven’t spent a night together and we haven’t done anything but kiss or cuddle or watch stupid movies together. It’s going great, and I’m so happy. It was just a little confusing at the beginning. But now I know where we both stand, I’m so glad.
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